Hung Over

Hung Over

Oh god, why dose my head feel like it was beaten in with a bat? I thought as I opened my eyes to the dimly lit living room.

“Rhhhaaaaaahoo” At first I thought that there was a fucking Rhino in the house. I looked over to see Steve lying on the couch. I wasn’t too far off.

That fat fuck better shut his ass up before I break his fucking jaw. I hit him in the stomach. He whimpered and rolled over. I looked around the room and saw about 18 empty beer bottles on a puke stained carpet. Close to10 of them were mine. Maybe more. I couldn’t remember. That’s why my head feels like it was beaten in with a bat. Then I remembered the jager and the Mad Dog. Pound, Pound, Pound, sounded the hammer in my head. I need more sleep. I told myself, as I walked up the stairs to the room where Emma was asleep. She had an angry look on her face, her eyes squinting. I knew she’d have a hangover too. I plopped down on the rugged floor and pulled my blanked up to my neck. My head hurt too badly to sleep. I sat for a while just trying to sleep. It wouldn’t come. The all of a sudden,

“Charlie, what the fuck are you doing in here?” Said a voice scraped by cigarettes and not enough sleep.

“Nothin’, do you expect me to spend my hangover with Steven the rhinoceros?”

“Get the fuck out of here dumb shit!” Fuck You! I thought, but did not voice. I got up and walked into the bathroom. Fuck me! My stomach! I thought as I got on my knees to puke in the toilet. I had dry heaves. I couldn’t breathe and there was a ringing in my ears. My stomach felt like it had been kicked by Beckham, as tears began to stream down my face. Finally when I looked into the toilet bowl, all I saw was about a hand full of thin yellow liquid. All that effort for a half cup of piss. I collapsed on the floor and turned out the light. It was pitch black. I had finally found a place to sleep. A banging came on the door. Damn! I got up, turned the light on, and opened the door. It was Zak’s dad, Hip Hop Hank.

“Oh sorry, uhhh… I’ll just get of here then.” I said grabbing the pillow and blanket while trying to hide them behind my back.

“I’m going to work you can use my bed if you want.” He had definitely noticed them.

“Oh hey, here’s some Advil, it might help with that head ache of yours.” Zak had one bitchin’ dad.

“I’m really sorry about your rug I was just being retarded and I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t worry about the rug; I know it was an accident.”

I walked into his room and sat on his king-sized bed. Fuckin’ birds. I thought as robins sang outside the window, and fell asleep

dose

"does" dear

with a bat

"with a baseball bat" sounds better, and put that all in italics.

a fucking Rhino

swear words can be useful in the right places. But here it's just obnoxious. And rhino isn't capatalized dear.

“Rhhhaaaaaahoo” At first I thought that there was a fucking Rhino in the house. I looked over to see Steve lying on the couch. I wasn’t too far off.

That whole bit seemed chopy.

[s]That fat fuck[/s]He better shut his ass up before I break his [s]fucking[/s] jaw.

I know if you're hung over there is going to be quite a lot of profanity in there, but it sounds way too forced and akward.

I hit him in the stomach. He whimpered and rolled over

That part seems out of place with the rest of the paragraph. You're talking about potientially breaking his jaw, then punching him in the gut and going right to looking around the room, and you don't really explain why he's punching him in the gut other than he moaned or souted or whatever the rah thing was. You didn't even explain why that bothered him.

You should give more description to it. Like what kind of sound he was making other than the "rah". Was it a moan a shreik, and what did it sound like to the MC that made him want to break his jaw?

Close to10 of them were mine. Maybe more. I couldn’t remember. That’s why my head feels like it was beaten in with a bat.

Use words with the numbers or put a space between to and ten. Put a comma instead of a peroid between mine and maybe. And you already told us it felt like you felt like you've been beaten with a bat, try a new anology, or maybe something about a different symptom of the hang over.

Then I remembered the jager and the Mad Dog. Pound, Pound, Pound, sounded the hammer in my head.

Uh...what?

The all of a sudden,

That should go down with the diaolog and ad an "n" next to the e in the.

“Get the fuck out of here dumb shit!” Fuck You! I thought, but did not voice. I got up and walked into the bathroom. Fuck me! My stomach! I thought as I got on my knees to puke in the toilet. I had dry heaves.

THis part sounds too rushed and lacks detail. You seem to be lacking quite a lot of detail and description in this. I would greatly reccomend you add some.

“I’m going to work you can use my bed if you want.” He had definitely noticed them.

“Oh hey, here’s some Advil, it might help with that head ache of yours.” Zak had one bitchin’ dad.

Put them on the same line if they're the same person talking.

Now this was a good blerb, but not a short story. There was no character development, no plot, nothing that a narritive requires. Not even a proper ending to be honest.

Now I wouldn't take this too harshley. There was just too much swearing in here for me, I don't enjoy that much of it unless you're severly annoyed. Just work on it and practice a lot on things like this. and I hope I'm not the only one who critiques this, I think I came off a little too harsh. >.< Well good luck to ya.

~Alice~

dose

"does" dear

with a bat

"with a baseball bat" sounds better, and put that all in italics.

a fucking Rhino

swear words can be useful in the right places. But here it's just obnoxious. And rhino isn't capatalized dear.

“Rhhhaaaaaahoo” At first I thought that there was a fucking Rhino in the house. I looked over to see Steve lying on the couch. I wasn’t too far off.

That whole bit seemed chopy.

[s]That fat fuck[/s]He better shut his ass up before I break his [s]fucking[/s] jaw.

I know if you're hung over there is going to be quite a lot of profanity in there, but it sounds way too forced and akward.

I hit him in the stomach. He whimpered and rolled over

That part seems out of place with the rest of the paragraph. You're talking about potientially breaking his jaw, then punching him in the gut and going right to looking around the room, and you don't really explain why he's punching him in the gut other than he moaned or souted or whatever the rah thing was. You didn't even explain why that bothered him.

You should give more description to it. Like what kind of sound he was making other than the "rah". Was it a moan a shreik, and what did it sound like to the MC that made him want to break his jaw?

Close to10 of them were mine. Maybe more. I couldn’t remember. That’s why my head feels like it was beaten in with a bat.

Use words with the numbers or put a space between to and ten. Put a comma instead of a peroid between mine and maybe. And you already told us it felt like you felt like you've been beaten with a bat, try a new anology, or maybe something about a different symptom of the hang over.

Then I remembered the jager and the Mad Dog. Pound, Pound, Pound, sounded the hammer in my head.

Uh...what?

The all of a sudden,

That should go down with the diaolog and ad an "n" next to the e in the.

“Get the fuck out of here dumb shit!” Fuck You! I thought, but did not voice. I got up and walked into the bathroom. Fuck me! My stomach! I thought as I got on my knees to puke in the toilet. I had dry heaves.

THis part sounds too rushed and lacks detail. You seem to be lacking quite a lot of detail and description in this. I would greatly reccomend you add some.

“I’m going to work you can use my bed if you want.” He had definitely noticed them.

“Oh hey, here’s some Advil, it might help with that head ache of yours.” Zak had one bitchin’ dad.

Put them on the same line if they're the same person talking.

Now this was a good blerb, but not a short story. There was no character development, no plot, nothing that a narritive requires. Not even a proper ending to be honest.

Now I wouldn't take this too harshley. There was just too much swearing in here for me, I don't enjoy that much of it unless you're severly annoyed. Just work on it and practice a lot on things like this. and I hope I'm not the only one who critiques this, I think I came off a little too harsh. >.< Well good luck to ya.

~Alice~

Oh god, why dose my head feel like it was beaten in with a bat? I thought as I opened my eyes to the dimly lit living room.

I suppose there isn't a need to capitalize god but he is a proper noun and like other proper nouns and names of other gods/deities they are capitilized. 'Dose' should be does and the dialogue should be italicized.

“Rhhhaaaaaahoo” At first I thought that there was a fucking Rhino in the house. I looked over to see Steve lying on the couch. I wasn’t too far off.

I would delete the 'that', lowercase the r in rhino and maybe add a bit more description this this character Steve? Also reading this over there's a lot of cursing so I'd give this story a rating to warn other readers and/or tone it down a little.

That fat fuck better shut his ass up before I break his fucking jaw.

Again put in italics

I hit him in the stomach. He whimpered and rolled over. I looked around the room and saw about 18 empty beer bottles on a puke stained carpet. Close to10 of them were mine. Maybe more. I couldn’t remember. That’s why my head feels like it was beaten in with a bat. Then I remembered the jager and the Mad Dog. Pound, Pound, Pound, sounded the hammer in my head. I need more sleep. I told myself, as I walked up the stairs to the room where Emma was asleep. She had an angry look on her face, her eyes squinting. I knew she’d have a hangover too. I plopped down on the rugged floor and pulled my blanked up to my neck. My head hurt too badly to sleep. I sat for a while just trying to sleep. It wouldn’t come. The all of a sudden,

Generally this section is very vague and choppy. You could afford to add a lot more description and proper punctuation marks -mainly commas- but don't over do it of course. Numbers one through ten should be spelt not put in numbers. 'Pound, Pound, Pound' should be italicized and the other two pounds following the first should be lowercased. Then, not the.

Said a voice scraped by cigarettes and not enough sleep.

Scraped? Maybe a word more along the lines of ragged, and from instead of by would sound better.


Sorry if I repeated most of the stuff Alice said but this could use some more work :/ And little less cursing lol like Alice said it does sound a bit forced and awkward.

Good luck
- Julia.

Heya there! I don't think I've seen you about, lets have a look shall we?

Oh god, why dose my

'Does', typo

“Rhhhaaaaaahoo” At first I thought that there was a fucking Rhino in the house.

The 'Rhhhaaaaaahoo' seems very unproffessional, try something like 'a bellow shot otu from the other end of the room' or 'Argh!'. Whichever, you need an explanation mark before the closing speech mark: ! Also, lowercase 'rhino'

That fat fuck better shut his ass up before I break his fucking jaw

Please don't make stories as an excuse to use many swear words as you can. But if it works, fine. Just, here its a bit OTT if you get my meaning.

Close to10 of them were mine.

put a space between 'to' and '10'. Then change '10' into 'ten'.

about 18 empty beer

eighteen not 18

Mad Dog. Pound, Pound, Pound,

lowercase, except first 'P'

Fuck You! I thought, but did not voice.

lowercase 'y'. Oh, and we know he didn't voice it! He thought it.

pulled my blanked up

'blanket'?

Hip Hop Hank.

All lowercase. Italic would work better here.
___

I read this, but I was uncertain. The plot seems just... a hangover. That's it. I can't think of anything else to add, but I hope you will prove me long later.

I didn't enjoy this, because it had too many unneeded swear words and prfanity, which won't target a great audience. I am not having a go, just bear in mind there are more ways of expression than swearing.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

I'm probably repeating stuff but a who care

Oh god, why dose my head feel like it was beaten in with a bat? I thought as I opened my eyes to a dimly lit living room.

Aparetenly you havn't eddited this since your last 2 reviews
does not dose
Also read this sentence confuses me
He is talking right?
"Oh god, why does my head feel like it was beaten in with a bad?"
plus when you start with I thought it looks wrong
i'm no good with english so i cant explain whats wrong with it
but there definatly is!

“Rhhhaaaaaahoo” At first I thought that there was a fucking Rhino in the house. I looked over to see Steve lying on the couch. I wasn’t too far off.

Rhino shouldn't me capitalized
is fucking rhino nessacary?
i dont know you can have it if you want
your story not mine

That fat fuck better shut his ass up before I break his fucking jaw.

Julia i dont think he is talking out loud here?
Is he?
If he isn't make it more obvious
if he is " " again

Close to 10 of them were mine. Maybe more. I couldn’t remember.

Maybe put a comma or a semicolon
i'm not much help with this stuff XD

I need more sleep. I told myself, as I walked up the stairs to the room where Emma was asleep.

Um...? You put a period between more sleep i told myself?
no thats wrong XD

“Oh sorry, uhhh… I’ll just get of here then.” I said grabbing the pillow and blanket while trying to hide them behind my back

.
Okay whatever you were trying to say there i didn't get
fix it

“I’m going to work you can use my bed if you want.” He had definitely noticed them.

Comma between work, you



Lots of cussing
felt like i was at my family's house fr christmas XD XD XD
Not sure where your going with this story but as far as ican see no grammer errors but that one
just need work on dialouge

You have been critqued by
-Derek
I am not responible for any bad crits