opposite of life

Opposite of life
time is finished but hasn’t begun
shattered into pieces but still together in one
if I speak shall it be heard
if I’m wrong will it be referred
I can smile while I cry
and tell the truth in a lie
I’m the fraud in everything real
from the air I breathe to the skin you feel
I gain comfort from my pain
in our differences we become the same
I’m the child which wasn’t born
I’m that jumper which was never worn
that number on your phone which was never dialed
that sheet of paper never filed
this dream I dream while awake
when my tears are real but my smile is fake
where yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is today
when everything is changing but i remain this way
my soul is black but the sky is clear
I know I’m not far but I know I’m not near
I finish this with the start
my fucked up life
my passion
my art

Rating changed to R for language.

Not bad at all. Your rhyme and rhythm was reasonably consistent throughout and a lot of your ideas were original.
WHat you need to work on is structure and punctuation. I'd suggest splitting it up into stanzas, because this would help the flow A LOT, but if you don't want to do that you at least need to put in some punctuation. Punctuation makes a poem a lot nicer and clearer for the reader.

time is finished but hasn’t begun
shattered into pieces but still together in one
if I speak shall it be heard
if I’m wrong will it be referred

Just using this first few lines as an example, they'd read much better if you wrote:

time is finished but hasn't begun -
shattered into pieces but still together in one.
if I speak, shall it be heard?
if I'm wrong will it be referred?

You don't need to capitalise but at least be kind and add punctuation. It really brings the rhythm out in a poem.

if I’m wrong will it be referred

I'm also not too sure what you meant here. Do you mean referred to?
The type of poem you're writing is kind of dangerous- you can sink into cliche waters pretty easily! For the most part I think you kept well out of them, but lines like

I can smile while I cry

when my tears are real but my smile is fake

are a bit unoriginal. It's just the whole technique of direct contradiction used throughout the entire poem that I don't think does you any justice.

Hi there.

First of all, this needs some structure to it. Considering the length of the poem and subject matter it might be nice to see a more structured organisation. Perhaps the simple four line stanza?

This also nees punctuation, mainly the capitalisation of sentences, and the punctuation at the end of lines. Punctuation is used to help the reader determine pacing, structure and meaning. It's relatively important in some postry - mainly ones using enjambment - to show where the breaks and breaths are.

Your rhyme grates. It feels forced and loses it's effect the longer it goes. On that note your lats three lines do nothing for your poem. They aren't as hard hitting or memorable as they need to be to keep your readers attention.

Nothing seems to happen in this poem. It's just a list of things with no explanation or reason placed in there. You have to make the reader care for your persona, for what is happening in the poem. As it is, I can't say I feel anything for the persona because I don't know anything about what she/he is going on about.

You have a good grasp on imagery, and your use of it is quite well done. I appreciate what you have here, it just needs some fixing up.

Luck with it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

You don't really have a good structure in this poem. Also add some punctionuation or it seems to be one long ridiculous sentence. I'm sorry but that is what it is right now. That is what i am going to say. You could at least place a period at the end of the poem. But that's ok people forget sometimes i understand.
The poem was kind of...sorry to say but emo because of this line "my fucked up life"
that is so emo i am sorry but it is. Also poem was cliche and to hard to read cause of the structure.

Once you get it edited PM me so i can read it over again. OK?

SimonCowellLuver the one and only.

I happen to agree with the others that some punctuation, and some stanza break-up is needed for this poem. I had a hard time keeping track of what line I was on when reading it (my momentary look out the window or at the ceiling to contemplate the poem). It is very heartfelt... I fear until the last 3 lines. I think at that point it gets semi-cliche. Other than those minor things, I like and appreciate the thought and effort of this poem. Thank you for writing it.

Hmm...I agree with Penguinattack. It's good still, but it needs adjustments. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

i've edited the poem and am reposting it as Opposite of Life(revised).

please reread it and leave feedback!

com'on i'm begging!