Let It Bleed: Chapter Three

Hey, thank you for all your crits.
You probably don't know that I am just doing a sketch of the story, just getting the feel of things, the ideas what's going to happen ect. Your reviews are very helpful and I will use them when I go over my story when it is completed. Right now all I need is help deciding if the story is getting complicated and if you like some of the ideas. It will not be perfect right now, all I am doing is letting it all out. So I am just scratching the surface then once I have got a ruff idea of my story I will dig down and develop everything fully.
I hope this makes sense!
Thanks =]



Let It Bleed
Chapter Three
The Truth

A soft thudding caressed my head, small warm pricks moved up and down on my arms. I yawned and blinked once; a beautiful red ball of fire was slowly rising from the somewhat still sea below. Small birds chirped excitedly welcoming the new day. I rubbed my sleepy eyes and sat up, the cool sand flowed around my legs and sent shivers running through my body. I took a deep breath in, the scent of sea salt and a burnt out fire filled my lungs, and I exhaled; letting the sweet scents flow out of my nostrils.
Light snorts shook the ground beneath me, and I turned to face Griffin. He was still in horse form, and it seemed as though he had collapsed to the ground. I crawled towards his head and petted his nose. He was still very hot and he look thirsty as well.

"Griffin?" I rasped, "You need to change back into a human"

He didn't move.

"Griffin" I said a little louder, "common wake up!"

I began to nudges his head, "please" I whimpered.

Nothing happened.

I sighed and got up, Some water will do I sneered and ran towards the beach. It didn't take me long to find a big enough shell, they where everywhere and they where a very bright white. I picked one up and shuffled over to the shore. On the next wave I dunked the bucket underwater and waited. After a few short seconds I brought it back out of the water and began to shuffle back to shore.
What will my parents think... I shook my head, and where am I?
I was back in the shade now and I dumped the water on Griffins head.
He snorted and shook his head.

"Sorry about that," I laughed "pay back for what you did to me!"

He grunted and snuffled at my feet with his lips, "Hey! Cut it out" I giggled

He stopped and slowly rose to his feet, he pushed me to the grounded and whinnied.

"What is it?" I asked, "you want something?"

He snorted again and nibbled at the leather pouch attached to my waist. I opened the clasp and pulled out his shorts.

"You want you shorts?"

He grabbed the shorts from my hands and trotted stiffly into the trees. I watched him go and then turned back to the sea.
Seconds later he burst through the ferns panting. I turned quickly, his eyebrows where pressed together, and his eyes where open wide with fear.

"What is it?" I squeaked

"The Foo's they are coming!" He gasped before grabbing my arm and pulling me across the beach.

"Who are the Foo's?" I choked.

"Vicious cannibals" He groaned, "Once they are set on someone or something they can track you for days, even months."

My mouth fell open and a scream ripped from my mouth, only to be stopped seconds later by his hand.

"Shh! Don't make so much noise" He snapped slowly lifting his palm from my mouth.

"What are we going to do?" I whimpered.

"I am not sure yet,"

"Couldn't you change into a horse again, and outrun them?" I questioned

"I have been running for two days with you," He breathed, "I don't think I can do much more. Don't worry they wont be here for a while. That should give us time to think, or start walking."

I blinked once, clearing my mind. I remember reading his dagger, it said 'Griffin the River Horse', "Do you know of any hiding places under water?"

"Yes, but you wouldn't be able to breath." He corrected me.

"Neither would you!" I snapped.

"I am a Water Horse, I don't have to breath!" He sighed.

"How deep down do is the hiding place?" I prodded, searching his eyes desperately.

"Around 13 feet," we started walking again, "What are you getting at?" he snorted.

"When I was back, in my real world out of this dream I learnt how to use these bamboo like sticks to breath through underwater." I smiled.

"Dream world?" He grunted, "This isn't a dream world Gwen, this is the real world!"

"Whatever! It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I am here now and we are in trouble!" I hissed, "Now help me find some bamboo stuff."

Without a word he guided me over to a bolder and propped it up with a bunch of stones, "Start digging." He pointed under the rock and sprinted back towards the forest.

I rolled my eyes and sunk to my knees. The boiling sand burned my skin, I hissed and set in search of a small digging shell.

"Those Foo's better not come when I am digging" I hissed, my hand fell around a beautiful pointed shell that pricked out of the ground. I pulled it out and found that the other end was sharp and had a small dip in it.

"This 'll do," I smiled and turned the shell over, "Good for fighting as well"
So maybe I would survive the Foo's.
For all I know they might be giant elephant sized lions that hunt in packs of 20. Then I was doomed.
I laughed to myself and started digging.

The mid afternoon sun beat down on my itchy overheated back and warmed it way more than needed.
Sweat beaded from my brow and stung my eyes irritably. My nostrils flared and my lips where pursed thirstily.

"Where is he!" I snarled, leaning back and wiping my face. I looked down at the pitifully small hole that I had labored so hard over.
The sand was extremely hard once you got under its soft covering. I crawled in and, I barley fit. I had to duck my head down and bring my legs into my chest to fit.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my throbbing temples.

"Why couldn't I go and get the bamboo and he dig the damned hole!" I snarled, "For gods sake he's the friggen horse..." I snarled

"Oh really?" He spat, "Would you rather jog into a beast infested forest unarmed in search of some bamboo for some girl I barley know!" He roared.

My eyes flew open, I looked up at him. He held several branches of bamboo in his left hand. He turned and sat away from the rock. My eyes widened as he reviled the large gash on his back. I lifted my head; bumping it on the rock before slowly crawling out of the hole.

My mouth opened in protest, but I noticed he was right. I sighed and sat down beside him.

"Sorry" I whispered.

"Its fine..." He grumbled, before turning away from me and setting to work placing the bamboo in rows.

My gaze followed him and I blinked once before getting up and continuing on my work. I felt tears begin to sting my eyes.
stop crying Thats what I hated about myself, I always had to cry at the stupidest times for the stupidest reasons.
I wiped a straying tear from my cheek and thrust my emotions into my work.

"I need to get some fire wood," Griffin said blankly, "I will need my dagger"

I turned and sniffed, "Okay," I mumbled undoing his belt and handing it to him.

He looked down as soon as I turned to him and took his things. Without another word he was gone. I watched him leave. The sun cast his shadow against the sand, I noticed something odd about it. A shape seemed to linger in the darkness of his silhouette, almost like it had a mind of its own.
I shook my head and turned away.

....

After several more grueling hours I finally had dug a hole big enough for both of us to sit in. I sat back and collapsed on the cooling sand.

"That 'll do" his voice sounded from behind me, "Now light a fire."

I groaned and got up without a rude retort or comment (Which was odd of me).

"With what?" I sighed

"Be creative." He snorted.

[p]Oh, that was helpful![/i] I searched the sand for anything that would catch fire easily. There was nothing but sand, rocks and drift wood. I pushed my hair back around my ear.
Damned hair! Since when did I get so much of it! I stopped, hair! That was it.

I picked up my shell and turned it to the sharp side. I brought it to my hair and began to cut through the tangled mass of sea weed and sand.

"What are you doing!? There is no time to give-"

"Being creative" I mocked. I smiled to myself and continued cutting.

Once I was done I placed my hair in a neat pile before the hole. I grabbed the two closest driftwood sticks next to me and began to rub them together vigorously.

"That won't work." He chuckled.

"Then what do you suggest?" I retorted.

"This," He smiled and leant over the me, slowly he pressed his lips together and breathed in through his nostrils, seconds later the pile of hair burst into flames.

"Now get some more wood on that before it burns out." He whispered into my ear.

I rolled my eyes and began to gather wood. I was shocked by all of Griffins abilities, what's next? Flying.
I snorted to myself as I placed the wood gently on the fire.

"Keep it low," He muttered, "We don't want to attract the Foo's"

"What's the hole for?" I grunted.

"Sleeping of coarse," He laughed, "They wont be on our trail until tomorrow. You see when one of their scouts finds something it has to travel all the way back to the main den and gather a troop of as many Foo's as they need. Then they all set out in small groups of two in search of the prey" He explained, "There has been rarely any failed tracking. So we have little chance of not coming face to face with them"

I breathed out nervously, it wasn't like me to get worried about things, especially since I was in a dream.

I nodded and looked up, "So what's the fire for?"

"Burning the bamboo together" He smiled.

"Right. Well lets get to it."



(Possibly more coming soon)

Round 3, get ready.

A soft thudding caressed my head, small warm pricks moved up and down on my arms.

Thudding and caressed? How does that work? Thudding is more associated with being hard, whereas caressed is often associated with softness. Thudding and caressed are polar opposites, and do not work, as you've set yourself up for a contradiction.

I yawned and blinked once; a beautiful red ball of fire was slowly rising from the somewhat still sea below.

Can you elaborate further on this "somewhat still sea"? I like for you to show more of that.

Small birds chirped excitedly welcoming the new day.

Comma after "excitedly".

I took a deep breath in, the scent of sea salt and a burnt out fire filled my lungs, and I exhaled; letting the sweet scents flow out of my nostrils.

"Head/palm". Ok, this sentence is rather clunky, for it is a run on sentence and your wording is rather stiff. This is how I would approach the sentence:

I took a deep breath, the scent of sea salt and a burnt out fire filled my lungs. As I exhaled, the sweet scents flew out of my nostrils, (insert something that would elaborate the second sentence further). Also, you used the word "scent" twice in the same paragraph, causing repetition.

He was still very hot and he look thirsty as well.

Show, don't tell.

Some water will do

You have a big issue with dumping thought bubbles onto the reader. It is considered info dumping, as you failed to show the reader his/her thoughts, and resulted to just simply telling us as to what your main character is thinking. Telling us as to what the main character is thinking only works if the situation calls for it or that it is used in a compelling and interesting way that helps with the flow of the story. In this case, you use this technique frequently, which actually info dumps the reader rather than showing the reader.

I sneered and ran towards the beach. It didn't take me long to find a big enough shell, they where everywhere and they where a very bright white.

You might want to be more specific as to what drove your main character to be heading to the beach to get a big shell. Also, show to us as to how the shells were scattered everywhere and the colour. Do not tell us that they are everywhere and that they are white, that is info dumping.

I picked one up and shuffled over to the shore. On the next wave I dunked the bucket underwater and waited. After a few short seconds I brought it back out of the water and began to shuffle back to shore.

Slow down there cow girl. You jumped from the main character picking up a shell to her waiting after the wave and bringing it back up. Elaborate this scene further and draw out the emotion and thoughts of the scene.

What will my parents think... I shook my head, and where am I?

Pointless. She is filling a shell with water and then you jump to this? This thought bubble is irrelevant to the situation at hand, making it random.

Sorry about that," I laughed "pay back for what you did to me!"

He grunted and snuffled at my feet with his lips, "Hey! Cut it out" I giggled

He stopped and slowly rose to his feet, he pushed me to the grounded and whinnied.

"What is it?" I asked, "you want something?"

He snorted again and nibbled at the leather pouch attached to my waist. I opened the clasp and pulled out his shorts.

"You want you shorts?"

He grabbed the shorts from my hands and trotted stiffly into the trees. I watched him go and then turned back to the sea.

Your main character has just lost any creditability that she has left....
Is your main character too dumb to realize that this guy is a total jerk off, and would be much better off dead if your main character had killed him? If she did that, then at least she has some creditability left....

The dialogue is rather unrealistic and linear. They have just met... and they act as though they are close friends or something.

I suggest taking your main character to the doctors to get her hormone levels checked. Either that, or scrap the main character that you have now, and replace her with someone that is actually solid, believable, and worthy as being the main character.

Overall impressions:

In summary:

1. Work on your character development. This is Chapter 3, and I still have no idea as to who the girl or the guy is. This is just ridiculous.

2. Show, don't tell.

3. Dialogue + consequences. Would you react like this if you were placed in the shoes of your "main character" and thrust into the gravity of the situation?

4. Check your grammar + spelling. It is scattered throughout the piece. I'm not your editor Gwen.

5. Pacing. You jump from one idea to another, leaving the emotions and thoughts in the dust. Why should the reader care for what happens in the story if it is ultimately rushed by the author?

Overall, this needs work, and for those that said that it is good or "they love it" is just giving too much credit for this piece. What you have here is only the framework, and even that needs to be revised.

Andy.

Okay Fayth.
I find you reviews very harsh and rude.
My character is not a jerk off. Maybe Gwen thinks she is in a dream. People aren't completely oblivious to everyone els. They care for others, maybe you don't but Gwen does.

Your points:
1. Chapther 3... Hmm, I am not going to give you a giant info dump in the first three chapters. I am going to spread it out and take my time.

2. I am not trying to make this perfect, I am just getting the main idea down. Once I am finished my ruff drafter (as I mentioned at the top) I will go over it and elaborate on the description etc.

3. I would not react like my character hence the fact that I am not my character. She still doesn't know where she is, she is still figuring things out. She is not a cry baby, she is not going to freak out and start screaming and stuff (not yet) So just chill.

4. I am not making it perfect I will edit it when I am done. I did not say you where my editor and I don't need you to edit it for me, thank you.

5. Pacing? Your the one who is telling me that I need to tell you more. For god sakes I am on the 3rd chapter I am not going to explain everything, I am going to make you think and start to connect with it. I don't want you to care about the story yet, I am just starting.

Right, well I am not so sure I would like you to crit this piece any more, its kinda putting me down.
If you had read the not at the top this is my ruff copy.

Vivi, dear, try not to defend yourself from reviewers. If you don't want harsh reviews, you shouldn't post unfinished, unpolished works. Some people like saying only the negatives, it's a method of critiquing. I'm not trying to be mean, I just wanted to let you know; it's probably a better idea to post polished things anyway, just because it's a common courtesy.

There are still a lot of typos and you still aren't using the right punctuation in your dialogue, but from what you said to Squallz (or I should say Fayth) suggests you don't want that type of criticism.

If you don't want us (reviewers) to focus on the main problems (spelling/punctuation) what do you want us to say? I'm a little afraid that whatever I tell you, you will say the same thing to me as you did to Fayth. If you actually do want me to give you a grueling critique pointing out all the little grammatical mistakes, let me know and I'll be much obliged.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean (and we're still friends ) but I'm just not sure what you DO want from critiquers?

~Azila~

I guess you are right, but he was a bit rude at the end

I asked that people help me pull out important things, that make the story unique and stuff. Things that confuse you and things that you like and you think I could do more.
As I said right now I am just putting it out there, making the bones to my story. I guess it would be good it you could help with polishing but I won't be doing it now. Once I am finished writing the ruff draft I will go over it and continue.


Thanks,
Vives

Ning!

I actually think this is a very interesting story, but there are tons of grammatical, punctual, and spelling mistakes. You might want to try proof-reading this before you post it... and you have Microsoft word, right? It might be a good idea to run this through to find grammatical errors.
If you want, you can e-mail (or PM) this to me and I'll try my best to fix up the grammar. I would do it here on YWS, but typing up a million nit-picky things isn't the most entertaining thing in the world.

Unfortunately, Fayth is right about... well, a lot of things. You don't have to info-dump to give us a better feel for your character. We can discuss this in person once I get back from Ottawa, if you'd like.

I think it's kind of odd that in Chapter One, she's very solemn and now she's... not. XD
You should elaborate more on this change in personality and also, I noticed that you said things like 'friggen'. Don't worry, I'm not about to contradict you for language, but this seems odd as in Chapter One, I definitely didn't get the impression that it was the 20th-21st century.

As for unique-ness:
Wow. This is very unique, I believe. There are no clichés (yet) and I love the ideas you have.

... however, I don't like the fact that she woke up [naked] in chapter two. That's just plain old nasty - I agree with everything that Azila said in her crit. Wouldn't she be completely freaking out? Or at least freaking out more than she was?!

Also, the fact that this Griffin seems to like her (a lot!) increases the level of predictability for your story. I can predict that he will be a possible love interest, even more so because he looks exactly like your Taylor.

Yes. We can talk about this next time I see you face-to-face!

Cheers,
Camille xox

P.s. Yeah - please don't defend yourself. I used to do it all the time, but I went back to those posts and they are very childish and... rude. It's a critiques' (particularly an Instructor's) job to give you an honest, undiluted opinion, and if you can't accept what they've said, don't post your work on YWS. >.>

Thanks ning, I know... Its really full of errors but I don't care right now. Hard to explain.
I know Fayth was right but he was very rude and unclear about it. I would love to talk about it

Solemn... Well she was just feeling like then there... Now she (thinks) she is in a dream world, and she is still kinda out of it, its odd but Gwen has mood-swings. I will explane about her feelings later on and it will linger with her where ever she is but not know

Yay! *snarls at clichés* I will keep them away.

Naked, I know... I was going to explane that but it didn't really fit in. Once I start revising all my chapters I will make it more clear what the reason for her nudity was.
Here it is:
She had tried to kill herself and it war poring rain she had jumped into an almost frozen lake and woke up in the other world in the ocean. Griffin dragged her onto the beach and noticed she was shivering and was very cold and almost at the point of hypothermia. So he decided it was best that he took her sopping wet bloodied dress of and let them both dry separately.

You get it know?

Griffin, and her... Hmm we will see. I am not going to make it obvious for you.
How you know what Taylor looks like XD. Yah I know now SH!

I love talking we shall

I see what you mean about the rude replies to rude reviews. It is childish. But sometimes it just comes out
So, when people are obviously trying to be rude... I can't help it, its how I am. I will try not to but some times I... you know.


Love ya,
Vives
xox

Gwenevire wrote:Let It Bleed
Chapter Three
The Truth

A soft thudding caressed my head, small warm pricks moved up and down on my arms. I yawned and blinked once; a beautiful red ball of fire was slowly rising from the somewhat still sea below. Small birds chirped excitedly welcoming the new day. I rubbed my sleepy eyes and sat up, the cool sand flowed around my legs and sent shivers running through my body. I took a deep breath in, the scent of sea salt and a burnt out fire filled my lungs, and I exhaled; letting the sweet scents flow out of my nostrils.

either chirped, excitedly welcoming or chirped excitedly, welcoming. I don't like burnt out, maybe try something like extinguished or a more figurative way like dead or something

Light snorts shook the ground beneath me, and I turned to face Griffin. He was still in horse form, and it seemed as though he had collapsed to the ground. I crawled towards his head and petted his nose. He was still very hot and he look thirsty as well.

I think you could describe this like he was hot to the touch, so it doesn't seem so much like telling

"Griffin?" I rasped, "You need to change back into a human"

He didn't move.

"Griffin" I said a little louder, "common wake up!"

I think you mean come on, or c'mon

I began to nudges his head, "please" I whimpered.

nudges=nudge obviously. also, why is she so desperate for him to get up? just because he needs to take care of himself?

Nothing happened.

I sighed and got up, Some water will do I sneered and ran towards the beach. It didn't take me long to find a big enough shell, they where everywhere and they where a very bright white. I picked one up and shuffled over to the shore. On the next wave I dunked the bucket underwater and waited. After a few short seconds I brought it back out of the water and began to shuffle back to shore.

bucket? you mean shell?

What will my parents think... I shook my head, and where am I?
I was back in the shade now and I dumped the water on Griffins head.
He snorted and shook his head.

"Sorry about that," I laughed "pay back for what you did to me!"

He grunted and snuffled at my feet with his lips, "Hey! Cut it out" I giggled

He stopped and slowly rose to his feet, he pushed me to the grounded and whinnied.

grounded=ground

"What is it?" I asked, "you want something?"

He snorted again and nibbled at the leather pouch attached to my waist. I opened the clasp and pulled out his shorts.

"You want you shorts?"

you=your

He grabbed the shorts from my hands and trotted stiffly into the trees. I watched him go and then turned back to the sea.

Seconds later he burst through the ferns panting. I turned quickly, his eyebrows where pressed together, and his eyes where open wide with fear.

"What is it?" I squeaked

"The Foo's they are coming!" He gasped before grabbing my arm and pulling me across the beach.

this is really awkward, maybe put an exclamation after Foo's. Also, wouldn't Foo's just be Foos?

"Who are the Foo's?" I choked.

"Vicious cannibals" He groaned, "Once they are set on someone or something they can track you for days, even months."

haha i like the cannibal idea

My mouth fell open and a scream ripped from my mouth, only to be stopped seconds later by his hand.

repetition

"Shh! Don't make so much noise" He snapped slowly lifting his palm from my mouth.

"What are we going to do?" I whimpered.

"I am not sure yet,"

"Couldn't you change into a horse again, and outrun them?" I questioned

"I have been running for two days with you," He breathed, "I don't think I can do much more. Don't worry they wont be here for a while. That should give us time to think, or start walking."

I blinked once, clearing my mind. I remember reading his dagger, it said 'Griffin the River Horse', "Do you know of any hiding places under water?"

"Yes, but you wouldn't be able to breath." He corrected me.

"Neither would you!" I snapped.

"I am a Water Horse, I don't have to breath!" He sighed.

"How deep down do is the hiding place?" I prodded, searching his eyes desperately.

"Around 13 feet," we started walking again, "What are you getting at?" he snorted.

"When I was back, in my real world out of this dream I learnt how to use these bamboo like sticks to breath through underwater." I smiled.

no comma

"Dream world?" He grunted, "This isn't a dream world Gwen, this is the real world!"

"Whatever! It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I am here now and we are in trouble!" I hissed, "Now help me find some bamboo stuff."

Without a word he guided me over to a bolder and propped it up with a bunch of stones, "Start digging." He pointed under the rock and sprinted back towards the forest.

I rolled my eyes and sunk to my knees. The boiling sand burned my skin, I hissed and set in search of a small digging shell.

"Those Foo's better not come when I am digging" I hissed, my hand fell around a beautiful pointed shell that pricked out of the ground. I pulled it out and found that the other end was sharp and had a small dip in it.

"This 'll do," I smiled and turned the shell over, "Good for fighting as well"
So maybe I would survive the Foo's.
For all I know they might be giant elephant sized lions that hunt in packs of 20. Then I was doomed.
I laughed to myself and started digging.

The mid afternoon sun beat down on my itchy overheated back and warmed it way more than needed.
Sweat beaded from my brow and stung my eyes irritably. My nostrils flared and my lips where pursed thirstily.

"Where is he!" I snarled, leaning back and wiping my face. I looked down at the pitifully small hole that I had labored so hard over.
The sand was extremely hard once you got under its soft covering. I crawled in and, I barley fit. I had to duck my head down and bring my legs into my chest to fit.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my throbbing temples.

"Why couldn't I go and get the bamboo and he dig the damned hole!" I snarled, "For gods sake he's the friggen horse..." I snarled

"Oh really?" He spat, "Would you rather jog into a beast infested forest unarmed in search of some bamboo for some girl I barley know!" He roared.

My eyes flew open, I looked up at him. He held several branches of bamboo in his left hand. He turned and sat away from the rock. My eyes widened as he reviled the large gash on his back. I lifted my head; bumping it on the rock before slowly crawling out of the hole.

My mouth opened in protest, but I noticed he was right. I sighed and sat down beside him.

"Sorry" I whispered.

"Its fine..." He grumbled, before turning away from me and setting to work placing the bamboo in rows.

My gaze followed him and I blinked once before getting up and continuing on my work. I felt tears begin to sting my eyes.
stop crying Thats what I hated about myself, I always had to cry at the stupidest times for the stupidest reasons.
I wiped a straying tear from my cheek and thrust my emotions into my work.

"I need to get some fire wood," Griffin said blankly, "I will need my dagger"

I turned and sniffed, "Okay," I mumbled undoing his belt and handing it to him.

He looked down as soon as I turned to him and took his things. Without another word he was gone. I watched him leave. The sun cast his shadow against the sand, I noticed something odd about it. A shape seemed to linger in the darkness of his silhouette, almost like it had a mind of its own.
I shook my head and turned away.

....

After several more grueling hours I finally had dug a hole big enough for both of us to sit in. I sat back and collapsed on the cooling sand.

"That 'll do" his voice sounded from behind me, "Now light a fire."

I groaned and got up without a rude retort or comment (Which was odd of me).

"With what?" I sighed

"Be creative." He snorted.

[p]Oh, that was helpful![/i] I searched the sand for anything that would catch fire easily. There was nothing but sand, rocks and drift wood. I pushed my hair back around my ear.
Damned hair! Since when did I get so much of it! I stopped, hair! That was it.

I picked up my shell and turned it to the sharp side. I brought it to my hair and began to cut through the tangled mass of sea weed and sand.

"What are you doing!? There is no time to give-"

"Being creative" I mocked. I smiled to myself and continued cutting.

Once I was done I placed my hair in a neat pile before the hole. I grabbed the two closest driftwood sticks next to me and began to rub them together vigorously.

"That won't work." He chuckled.

"Then what do you suggest?" I retorted.

"This," He smiled and leant over the me, slowly he pressed his lips together and breathed in through his nostrils, seconds later the pile of hair burst into flames.

"Now get some more wood on that before it burns out." He whispered into my ear.

I rolled my eyes and began to gather wood. I was shocked by all of Griffins abilities, what's next? Flying.

put a question mark, otherwise it sounds like you're saying he really can fly

I snorted to myself as I placed the wood gently on the fire.

"Keep it low," He muttered, "We don't want to attract the Foo's"

"What's the hole for?" I grunted.

"Sleeping of coarse," He laughed, "They wont be on our trail until tomorrow. You see when one of their scouts finds something it has to travel all the way back to the main den and gather a troop of as many Foo's as they need. Then they all set out in small groups of two in search of the prey" He explained, "There has been rarely any failed tracking. So we have little chance of not coming face to face with them"

I breathed out nervously, it wasn't like me to get worried about things, especially since I was in a dream.

I nodded and looked up, "So what's the fire for?"

"Burning the bamboo together" He smiled.

"Right. Well lets get to it."


(Possibly more coming soon)

im really liking this story! i think one thing that really pulls it together is the way Gwen and Griffin as a horse get along really well and Gwen and Griffin as a person do not. It's very interesting to wonder what Griffin is thinking about that. Gwen's sarcasm is also quite funny. *off to read more!*