My Sunshine Part 2

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So here's Part 2, hope you like it and don't hurt it too much :P. Just kidding, have at it if you want, it makes it better :D.
EDIT: I changed it a bit :P.
____________~~~~~~____________

Ellie was finishing her pancakes when she heard a loud thundering crash reverberate through the room. It sounded like it was coming from the garage. Silently, she tiptoed over to the door that connected the garage to the rest of the house. She heard shouts, a loud smack following. Something gripped Ellie’s heart, clawing at it violently as her mind whirred in confusion. What was happening? Who was in there? Should she be listening? Blood pulsed in her ear, thump…thump…thump. The rhythm settled her slightly, lowering her distress level from the "screaming out in fear" one to "I won’t scream, but it is quite possible that I’ll rip out my hair." She pressed her ear up against the door, trying to decipher not only what was going on, but who was fighting?

"You never listen Elizabeth, it’s as if I’m some nonexistent body in your mind. The only time you ever notice me is when you quote unquote are trying to help me. You don’t realize though that I didn't ask for your help or that wretched five-year old's!" A deep voice screamed the last bit, making it clearly audible through the door. Ellie identified the voice as her step-grandfather.

"Now, please dear, calm down." Her grandmother. The woman was trying to diffuse a fight as always, what she didn’t understand was that not everyone wanted to be diffused so easily and swiftly.

"I don't care! Ellie can hear me hurt you for all I care, I just want to get it through to you that I don't need your pathetic help." Ellie gasped quietly at the way her step-grandfather was pushing her grandmother aside, as if she were an old toy, battered and unloved.

Her eyes tingled. She could feel the tears coming but pushed them aside for as long as she could, but they finally fought their way through though, spooling out of her eyes, rivers running down her face.

She was still listening as she heard her own grandmother start to cry. Is this why she had that purple mark on her leg? Is that because of him? Ellie’s mind wandered back to earlier this morning, back to when she had dismissed the color on her grandmother’s leg as nothing more than a trick of the light. He HAD hit her. This realization brought about a new feeling inside of her. It fought off the vice that had gripped her heart, replacing it with a burning sensation. Her chest tingled, her eyes burned with a dark energy. Fists clenching and unclenching, she felt as if anyone tried to talk to her now, they would be silenced by her skin even if they were not meaning to hurt her. Whatever this feeling was, it fueled her want to burst into the room and hurt her step-grandfather with every fiber of her being. She wanted to see him hurt, trembling on the floor crying, wanted to see him in as much pain as her grandmother was letting out with her tears. Some rational part of her mind halted the release of energy though, knowing that if she walked in there now, with her eyes red and puffy, face drenched, they would know she had been eavesdropping, and her stronger step-grandfather would probably slap her too.

The feeling fizzled and sputtered, losing its driving force as it was replaced by fear. Her tears came harder, cleansing her body of the feeling that had awoken some beast within her. As the tears settled to a steady stream, she sat eyes wide, her body rocking back and forth, back and forth. She wanted to leave, to get out of this house, to get away from the conflict that was tearing her apart and hastily putting her back together again.

The door swung open, revealing her grandmother. Ellie gave no notice to the woman, still fighting her inner demons for control of her body. A pang resounded in Elizabeth, her own tears beginning anew at the sight of her precious granddaughter lying on the floor as she rocked back and forth, tears pouring down her face and onto her white shirt. Immediately she knew the girl had heard the fight, had been eavesdropping the whole time.

The grandmother silently slipped onto the ground next to Ellie. She put her arms around the girl’s body, cradling her as if she were still a one-week-old child, too delicate to survive even a small shake. A cooing emitted from her, aiming to comfort both her granddaughter and herself as she let her own tears fall at the thought of her husband driving to who knows where right now, maybe never coming back.

Trying to keep Ellie calm, Elizabeth began to sing, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." She now rocked back and forth with her granddaughter, their heart beats growing into one. She continued to sing, not wanting to stop for fear of the two of them crying the world into a flood of tears.

Ellie’s body uncoiled from the tight string it had wound itself into, relaxing to her the smooth voice emitting above her. In some part of her mind she knew it to be her grandmother, but her eyelids were already beginning to droop as the melody seemed to flood her body, warming it much like the covers on the big bed she’d slept in last night. Her eyes fluttered shut, her grandmother's lullaby ringing in her ears as she was cradled in the woman's arms.
Last edited by darkest_of_them_all on Sat Feb 09, 2008 11:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I don't want to hold grudges, it takes too much energy.




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This is getting better and better!

Really, I see a lot of improvement since the first version. The emotion in this part is really powerful, and you have a LOT less repetitive sections now.

The rhythm settled her slightly, lowering her distress level from the screaming out in fear one to I won’t scream, but it is quite possible that I’ll rip out my hair. She pressed her ear up against the door, trying to decipher not only what was going on, but who was fighting?
Sentence#1>> I think the descriptions of the emotions should either be in quotes or in italics, here's an example of them being in quotes: The rhythm settled her slightly, lowering her distress level from the "screaming out in fear" one to "I won't scream, but it is quite possible that I'll rip out my hair."
Sentence#2>> The question mark should be a period. :D

She could feel the tears coming but pushed them aside for as long as she could. They finally fought their way through though, spooling out of her eyes, rivers running down her face.
I think these two should be combined with a "but"

Is this why she had that purple mark on her leg? Was that because of him?
The first one is in present (sort of) and the second one is in past... they should be the same... either "Was this why she had that purple mark on her leg? Was that because of him?" or "Is this why she had that purple mark on her leg? Is that because of him?"

He DID hit her.
Should be "had" rather than "did" :roll:

Her chest tingled, her eyes burned with a dark energy. Fists clenching and unclenching, she felt as if anyone tried to talk to her now, they would be silenced by her skin even if they were not meaning to hurt her. Whatever this feeling was, it fueled making her want to burst into the room and hurt her step-grandfather with every fiber of her being. She wanted to see him hurt, trembling on the floor crying, wanted to see him in as much pain as her grandmother was letting out with her tears.
VERY powerful emotional imagery there! Good job!

Her eyes fluttered shut, her grandmother's lullaby ringing in her ears as she was cradled in her grandmother's arms.
Repetition of "her grandmother's" :P

Very good overall! Is this the end?

~Azila~




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No, I have more to torture your editing skills with *insert dramatic music and maniacal laughter here*
I don't want to hold grudges, it takes too much energy.



october smells like being ten years old and not scared of anything
— dissonance