Prologue: Vice and Viscera

She was slain by her own toiletries.

She had been happily engaged until she saw the bristles of her toothbrush leaning against his, and the "family size" sunscreen, and the blue water in the toilet. Was he changing his habits for her? All self improvement was repugnant to her, a smug lie for people with wine cellars. Or perhaps that's how he was, how he always was. 'Till death do us part' is an awfully long time to be with a man who is genuinely concerned about the colour of his toilet water, and with that sort of attention to hygiene it wouldn't be his death releasing her either. Secrets or lies, she had to go.

His death certificate read botulism, but it was a broken heart. After she left, he had never learned to buy groceries for one, so the canned asparagus was off when he got to it.

Of course the true perpetrator in her demise was the compact mirror. As her new lover kissed her neck with the slow, level purpose of a polar bear skinning a seal, it failed to draw her attention to his notable absence beside her own reflection within it. One may defend the inanimate, but it is inevitably inaction and apathy that causes atrocity in this world.

Shy Suitor, something of a holistic coroner, regarded her, reclining post coital and post mortem, and him, the blue water spattered onto his face with the force of his fatal vomit. It is more romantic to die of boredom than love. Perhaps the compact mirror knew that.

Or perhaps mirrors don't know anything of vampires at all.


***********************

This is very rough, but I thought jumping head long into the sex, death, and sense imagery would be a little cruel. Feel free to shred specifically, I already know it's crap in general, so comments to that effect are superfluous. Oh yes, by the way, I was going to do this whole extended scene with the compact mirror, and a ballroom full of people dancing with the invisible reflections of the vampires, but thought more brevity more bite, what do you think?

(Okay, tried to fix that mirror/neck line but think I"ve made it worse, any suggestions? Bit heavy on the pronouns, no?)

I like the simplicity. You have some great language, but I liked how you keep it all within one house. I'm not sure what you meant by the giant ballroom or where you meant to have that scene, but from what I read here, it looks like it might have been out of place. This all takes place in one house and within three people. I like the intimacy that this causes. Also, I like the subtlety of your revealing that the new guy is a vampire.

I think the compact mirror is my favorite character.

to her new lovers notable

lovers = lover's

Fabulous job. I liked it. *thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I like how you end your paragraphs. I like the summation of them.

so the canned asparagus was off when he got to it..

I don't understand? And is that a double period or half an ellipsis?

Of course the true perpetrator in her demise was the compact mirror, who failed to draw her attention to her new lovers notable absence beside her own reflection within it, as he kissed her neck with the slow, level purpose of a polar bear skinning a seal.

Take another look at this sentence; I got lost after the first line.

I like your word choice, how they all sound together. Lots of alliteration.

One may defend the inanimate, but it is inevitably inaction and apathy that causes atrocity in this world.

I like this sentence. Just thought I'd note that.

I think you lean too heavily on calling attention to the mirror. It's mentioned over and over, especially towards the end, instead of placed in the scene and left to its own devices. Mm, I agree; bringing in the chorus for a dancing scene would have been a little much. For the prologue, anyway.

Well, I'm interested now. Good luck with the rest!

Hey there! Now, what do we have here?

'She was slain by her own toiletries.'

I am not sure whether you were going for this, but I thought it was really funny. It also made me read on, it got my attention.

I like the way you ended every paragraph, it summed the whole thing up. I though it was serious, yet humuorous at the same time. Good work with that!

I really liked this, so keep writing. I am not sure whether it is a romance, if it is, it should be there.

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Gee whiz, speedy crits, thanks guys, you're brilliant.

Fledgling: I don't know about the same house, they really died in different houses, as she left him and died in the vampires lair. But really it's a culmination of the two lives within their deaths, so there is that kind of restriction to it. Well put. lol, a resistentialist, I like you. Thank you for that.

Amelia, the lovely Amelia: Yeah, okay that sentence is a monster, I'll try and do something with it. Was trying to focus on two many things at once, the vampire and the mirror, trying to hint at one by hiding it in the other. How would I go about changing the mirror bits? If I change the mirror I have to leave out the apathy line, it's the modus operandi. Also it's my way of bringing in the vampire thing without a big flashing neon sign. And, come to think of it, the opening line would be gone too. Not that cutting any of that would be a bad thing, must kill my darlings etc, just have no idea to do so without ripping the whole thing, and trust to your better judgement. **lays human sacrifice at the literature alter of the goddess Amelia**

Aedomir: lol, thanks, I fussed over that line for a while, but it is meant to be funny, in a kind of dark way. There is definitely romance in the upcoming chapters, but, like the humour, it's a little different to most. But thank you for reassuring me of that one, I can sleep easier, lol.

Okay, hi! I found the last two paragraphs (not going to count that lonely little sentence a paragraph) pretty confusing the first time I read it. Well, actually, I still do. If you could maybe rework those two to make better sense for the rest of us? I've done the same thing you did there... like when you're writing and it makes perfect sense but then you reread it and you just don't undestand a thing you wrote. I do that all the time. xD

And I found the polar bear skinning a seal thing a very weird metaphor...points for being creative, though.

EDIT: Typo fixing.

I like this. From the first line to the last, you have a way with statements and their endings that stab at the reader not-so-gently and allow for meaning to be conveyed.

I loved the line about the asparagus, the polar bear metaphor is brilliant and the line:

"One may defend the inanimate, but it is inevitably inaction and apathy that causes atrocity in this world."

Is sadly accurate and true.

I think the neck/mirror issue you were speaking of is better than it was, but perhaps you should nix "within it"? It seems to fit better without it, and makes it somewhat less awkward.

All in all, I look forward to more. Write it wench.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I love the how deceptively simple it is, and how tactile. Your prose is beautiful here, and the content is just ambivalent enough to be truly compelling; it made me read it multiple times, not because I hadn't understood what I was reading, but because I wanted to inspect it from all angles. Rather like a serious buyer who walks 'round a car and kicks the tires a bit, checks all the rearview mirrors, etc. Brava, Kit.