My Sunshine: Part 1 (revamped)

Having retrieved the remains of my story from the battlefield, I've revamped it using the critiques that I got. Hopefully you like it because I think it is quite better than it was, who knows, you are the true judges after all. Anyway, please read. P.S. Like it said, this is only Part 1, I think I should torture you for a little bit and not give out part 2 or 3 for a little while... *insert evil music here*
____________***********____________

A little girl woke up in a bed not her own. It was firm and soft, yet it didn't feel like her own bed, the one with pink frills all over it, and a big Hello Kitty face embroidered into it. She looked around.

A mahogany dresser stood before her, sanded away to nothing. The walls behind the dresser, as well as around the room, suffocated her with yellow overdose. She looked to the right and saw a big lump of black lying on the bed next to her. The sudden dark color stood out against the cream colored blanket. Jake. She laughed at the drowsy Rottweiler.

The girl tried to rouse the dog, yanking on the scratchy sheets with all her might. He was too heavy. She sighed with defeat. The little girl lay back against the headboard, loving the sensation of the cool wood as it pressed into her head. What was a girl to do now? Her main companion for fun was sleeping like an immobile log, leaving her to have to come up with some other form of entertainment. A sharp pang came from her belly as a whispered gurgle emitted from it. She poked her stomach, as if trying to confirm there was something harbored within her. To answer her, more insistent gurgles voiced itself. Grandma. That was who she needed right now, realizing this, she slid her legs out from under the toasty covers. Dragging her limbs across the room, she opened the door and entered the living room where the very person she needed was sitting crocheting a blanket for her Barbie dolls.

Silently, the girl walked over to her grandmother and sat down on the couch next to her. She watched as her grandmother made stitch after stitch on the miniature blanket, lulling into a hypnotic state at the methodic rhythm. Her grandmother stopped and looked up. Her eyes, slightly blood shot, blinking owlishly at her granddaughter.

After a while she smiled and said, "Good morning Ellie, my sunshine, what can I do for you?"

"Breakfast!" Ellie pleaded, choosing to not ignore her growing hunger anymore.

"What would you like then?"

Ellie sat in contemplation for what seemed like hours, debating the pros and cons of each breakfast item in her mind. A low growl came out of nowhere, gurgling with displeasure. She looked down at her stomach, her cheeks soon turning a rosy red.

"Pancakes?" the little girl asked, her eyes downcast as she tried to calm her blush.

"Pancakes it is then." A finger touched the underside of her chin, lifting it so that Ellie’s eyes were raised to level with her grandmother’s. The woman smiled at her granddaughter, trying to force away the uneasiness that had swarmed into the air. Assured that the girl was okay, she rose from her floral cushioned rocking chair, walking across the living room to the kitchen. She disappeared behind the white door, beginning to whistle to her own tune as Ellie followed, wanting to eat the pancakes as soon as humanly possible.

The kitchen door closed behind her with a rusty creak, having chosen to save that sound for just her entrance. She turned to glare at the wood, different scenarios, all involving some form of fire, in her mind’s eye. The thing didn’t even flinch, seeming to tell her that it was in some way better than her. She harrumphed, turning her back on it in stubbornness. Putting her full attention to the situation before her so that her mind wouldn’t wander back to the way she was snubbed, she watched as her grandmother grabbed a shiny black pan from a bottom cupboard. The silver metal of the handle twinkled in the kitchen light, winking at her in happiness. Ellie walked over and jumped onto the counter. Being four feet tall now, she was easily able to jump onto counters, a fact which annoyed her parents and grandmother alike. No longer could they hide away the treats she craved where she couldn’t reach in the upper cupboards. Smiling conspiratorially, she tucked away a budding plan to steal the oriental candy her mother had bought at the market the other day. She swung her legs back and forth happily, loving the fact that she was spoiled rotten.

Hehe, I like your signature.

I dunno about your plan to do just part 1... I was reading the original before I was called away and so I didn't get very far, but I remember a little conflict between the grandma and grandpa. But in this first part, there is no conflict to interest the reader. There is a cute little girl and pancakes and Barbie blankets, but there is nothing else. Perhaps you could give us an ominous hint. Maybe Ellie's relief that her grandfather is not around because he scares her. Maybe a bruise or something on her grandmother or alternatively, her grandmother constantly wearing long sleeves to cover hurts and Ellie's wondering why. It doesn't have to be huge or really something that make us stop and pay attention, but something that, later on, the reader will look back and say 'oh! two and two makes four! so that's what that was all about!' See what I am saying?

Anyway, good luck with this... I'm anxious to see parts 2 and 3...

~GryphonFledgling

I havebn't heard the lullaby, so I can't relate to it and at a bit of a loss. But after rading this, I can tell it was based from sort of rhyme. I liked the story, and the style. The style really suits it too, I think it is a very good, well-structured piece well worth recognition!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

This version is much better!

You give more background and description and you've gotten rid of a lot of the repetition Good Job! I guess I won't be able to batter this one as much as the last. *puts away red-hot knives disappointedly*

But there are a few things that are amiss...

The girl tried to rouse the dog, yanking on the scratchy sheets with all her might. He was too heavy. She sighed with defeat. The little girl lay back against the headboard, loving the sensation of the cool wood as it pressed into her head. What was a girl to do now?

You say "the [little] girl" very often. Here, because there is no other female character introduced yet, you can just say "her" or "she"

Dragging her limbs across the room, she opened the door and entered the living room where the very person she needed was sitting crocheting a blanket for her Barbie dolls.

Maybe you should say "for her GRANDDAUGHTER'S Barbie dolls? Because the way it is now makes it seem like Grandma plays with Barbies.

Silently, the girl walked over to her grandmother and sat down on the couch next to her. She watched as her grandmother made stitch after stitch on the miniature blanket, lulling into a hypnotic state at the methodic rhythm. Her grandmother stopped and looked up.

"her grandmother" was repeated a bit too much... also, "methodic" isn't a word; it's "methodical" ^_~

A low growl came out of nowhere, gurgling with displeasure.

You used "gurgle" in the beginning of the piece to describe the hunger, maybe try to find another word?

Other than that, MUCH better than the last go-round! I didn't quite understand the whole section with the door, but that might just be me...

Good luck, and try to PM me when you post the next part(s)!
~Azila~