Neverworld: The Story of Su and her story

Hey, just came up with the idea for this story recently, so its a very early stage. I know it's very Twilight Zone-y but i love the TZ so it was bound to creep in


Part 1

[i]The stories you are about to read do not take place in our world. They exist in a place that could've happened, but never did. A world swarming with remote possibilities and unrealised ideas. The world where the monster under the bed didn't stay in the shadows of a child's imagination, where stories become the living truth and lives are lost in fiction.
The Neverworld awaits.[/i]
******************

Her pen scrambled furiously with the paper, almost whisking it into an inked frenzy. Words spilling onto the page, channeling her mind. Music played in the distance, but her mind was fixed on the stories. It was always about the stories. The miserable teenager and the pen that transported her to another world.

Su Grey had never wanted to write. She had just picked up a pen and started doing it. Her first story had been about a talking cat called Arthur. The teacher had told her to stop writing, as it made the other children look bad. So in the next installment Arthur had eaten a teacher. Whole.

Su smiled faintly at the memory, though the memory was merely a flicker on the screen of her mind. She could think about other things when she was writing. They just weren't really at the forefront of her mind.

The papers were filled with a royal blue ink, with the occasionally fingerprint smudges and mark where the pen had skidded off the page.

She sat for hours under the dusty light of her bedroom, so content to just be doing what she loved. A whole story was unfolding before her, and she was enjoying every minute.

[i]Marie arrived at the scene, wearing a long velvet coat and a matching hat. Her eyes shone like the fading stars above her, always looking deep into him.

'Marie Greystone,' He said with a smile 'I should've known you'd turn up to snoop around.'

'I never stop snooping, Mr. West,' Marie grinned 'Snoopy is middle name...'[/i]

Su crossed that part out with the swift execution of the pen. It was meant to sound witty but it just seemed childish now. Slightly annoyed, Su pressed hard down onto her paper, starting her sentence again.

The words started well, but descended into pools of chaos as the pen snapped upon hitting the paper and released gushes of shining blue ink onto her story. Words vanished into the blue ocean, even her bed succumbing to its neverending flow.

'Oh, no no no!' Sue jumped to her feet, desperately trying to wipe the ink from her story. It was gone. Her hands were patchy and pale blue, and she'd even smudged it across her nose and freckles.

The adventure of Marie Greystone and Detective Barnaby West were now trapped under a skin of ink. That had been her best one yet and now it was gone.

*****

I know nothing much happens, but I think this sums up the character of su Grey as a lonely teenager who lives her life through stories (sound familiar ) so things get more action orientated later on. Any crits welcome. Part 2 will be up soon, just making some changes.

Hey there Gazza,

The problem with this piece is that some of the ideas are rather vague and under developed. For example:

Su Grey had never wanted to write. She had just picked up a pen and started doing it. Her first story had been about a talking cat called Arthur. The teacher had told her to stop writing, as it made the other children look bad. So in the next installment Arthur had eaten a teacher. Whole.

What was so impressive about Su Grey's writing Su Grey writing about a talking cat that put off the rest of the class? Why did she write about her teacher being eaten by this cat?

The vagueness continues as the story isn't that well connected. It jumped from one idea to the next without much relevance. It's rather whishy washy.

Your main character lacks character development. I do not have a good idea as to who she is, other than a typical emotional teenager. Why have a emotional teenager? Why can't there be a teenage main character that has a solid character?

If you are going to jump on the bandwagon and have an emotional teenager, you need to elaborate on that aspect more, as well as show more of the relevance as to why she writes and to elaborate on that further.

Andy.

Hi there!

Su smiled faintly at the memory, though the memory was merely a flicker on the screen of her mind.

Repetition of 'memory' wrecks the feel. Try rewriting this sentence. I would take out 'at the memory' to give it a better sense.

channeling her mind

through her mind?

with a royal blue ink, [s]with[/s] and the

Snoopy is middle name...

my middle name? a middle name? or is that how you wanted it to sound? Just sounds a bit wierd and doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I liked the writing style, just be careful of the few grammar issues really though. I agree with fantasy though, character development is a bit lagging, I can't really like this person yet. I'm sure that you will include this at a later date though so...

It has potential, so keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

She only had herself to sulk with. Screaming was just shouting at the walls, who didn't really care that a perfectly good story had been ruined. Su left the pastel-coloured confines of her attic bedroom, climbing down the rope ladder that connected her room to the rest of the house.

'Dad! Dad!' Her voice seemed to hang around in the empty rooms.

Probably in another meeting. There seemed to lots of meeting to attend, and who was a daughter to stand in the way of success? Su wasn't bitter about her father's career. She just wondered who would end up regretting it one day...

The living room was bitterly cold, and the chill seemed to run up her spine and hide on the back of her neck. She took a blanket from the sofa and wrapped it around herself until she was in a snug turquoise shell. Shuffling forward to the buzzing television, Su reached out and turned the dial. A vivid, black and white image seemed to slide from the dark screen and filled the room.

'And now, on BBC1, here it is, the latest adventures of Detective Barnaby West and his assistant Thelma Dewdrop.'

The only thing more fun than writing her stories, was watching the TV show that she'd based them on. The rugged detective with his pinprick stubble, sharp suits, and a hardened edge to his chocolate brown eyes. Unfortunately, there was Thelma too, a blonde rake of a woman with all the personality of a hat stand. Su didn't like Thelma, especially the longing looks she gave to Barnaby.

In Su's stories, Thelma was rarely seen. Only occasionally, to fall over or get used as bait. She has been replaced by the brunette bombshell that was Marie Greystone, a young private investigator with a feisty attitude and legs to die for.

Su became enveloped in the program, blinking only when her eyes threatened to explode. She imagined how Marie would've been pasted into the episode, and imagined the scenes she might've been. The half hour was over before she knew it, outside the sky was darkening and the streetlights were emerging as if from nowhere. He still wasn't back.

There was always the issue of food. Marie's favourite dish was a cheese and mushroom pasta accompanied by a glass of wine. Maybe Su would have chips.

**********

School was a scary place. It just seemed to loom over the buildings that surrounded it, condemning them to shadows while it claimed all the light. Victorian and riddled with moss, it made no attempt to be welcoming and friendly.

Su had been going to Stoneley Comprehensive School for three years and her stomach still knotted itself into a balloon animal every time she caught sight of it. Su stood at the gates, engaged in her daily staring competition with its dark, metallic doors. They always won.

Someone handed her a flyer at the entrance. She barely noticed, only examining it once she was in the corridor. It read 'School Dance '76- Be there!'

There was a dance on? She wouldn't go anyway. Full of new faces and judging eyes. For all the negative things that could be said of televisions, they never judged.

*****

(Thanks for all comments so far. Still not very fantasy-ish yet but we're just about to get there)