Gluttony.

EDIT:
In a flurry of greed
Gluttony spreads from one tongue
to the next in lust.
Silent, the Sinning Masses hoard their pleasures
all the while ignoring the Honest Men.
Even their scents press against all senses ,
to steal away the last feeling,
as tastes encroach upon endless need.
Pushing to gain the hold they desire
The fates abuse their nature
to keep continual respite.

ORIGINAL:
A spluttering flurry of unrepentant greed,
snaking down flickers of somnolent pressures,
watches as Gluttony spreads from one tongue
to the next in lusty desire of succulent juices.
How slyly the sliding graces of outrageous Fates tinker
and dally with the purulent wishes of the Sinning Masses
while always ignoring the dreams of Honest Men.
Allow not for the twisting sprinkles of fettered tastes
to encroach upon the battered gates of a forever failing need,
even as their spoiling scents press against your flaring senses
to steal away the last of your modest feeling in endless reprisal.


Yeah, I'm working on it.

Whoa. Great poem, the edit lyrical and yet powerful, but you can tell it came fromt he orginal. Awesome imagery, especially the personifcation.
One note: comma after "greed" in first line.

Wow, I like it. The edit is much faster and more streamlined, and so more powerful. The message almost got lost in the original because of the amount of words.

All hail the power of editing! It was nice to see the process - it's pretty cool to watch other people go through the same process I do. I thought it was interesting how you rearranged some lines and overall the poem flows better for it. Fabulous job, you... I liked the personification of the vice.

~GryphonFledgling

Hey, Penguin! I'm here to give you three crits. So, here is one of three!

Nice poem. I liked the edit a lot more than the origanal, mostly because it was a bit easier to understand.

Gluttony spreads from one tongue
to the next in lust.

There is just something about the last line in this that is just bugging me. "To the next in lust" just doesn't feel right to me. But, I'm not an very good poet. Maybe, just maybe, you could edit this like,

"Gluttony spreads from one togue
to the next
in lust."

That way is a lot easier for me to read. XD

Great poem! I'll go and make two more crits so I can get it off of my chest. Great job!

BBB

This was great penguin your a awesome writer. Great imagination, well written good job on editing it to. Well that is all i have to say bout it gotta go see you around.

if you need me i will be in chat often or PM me if needed ok. Bye

SimonCowell Luver

Include this (the edit)!