Spirit of the forest

Not sure where I'm going with this... Just sortof flowed out of the key-board. There are probably loads of tense issues, I wouldn't know. ^____^

Thank you in advance for any reviews, comments or suggestions!




Prologue





Snowflakes fall, one by one from the sky, landing softly on the forest floor. The area is so hushed, one can almost hear them, plopping down gently onto beds of moss. Above,the sky is a solid black, interrupted only by the tiny spots of light which are the stars. The cold is oppressive, biting into me from all sides. I am sitting between the roots of a large oak, bundled up in a coat and scarf, and watching the winter scene around me. I shiver quietly, not wanting to move and disturb the silence. The call of a barn-owl sounds from far off, its mournfull cry echoing through the tree-tops. After that, the silence continues, until a soft step in the undergrowth to my left breaks it.



Fear courses through my brain, but I force myself to relax. I know these woods well, and there is nothing that I know of to make me afraid. A branch snaps. Inspite of myself, I turn my head quickly to look, but see nothing beyond the shaft of moonlight in which I am sitting. I get to my knees quietly, trying not to make a sound. My heart races. then, from behind a large aspen trunk comes a head. I see large ears, bright eyes and delicate long legs. A deer. Its relatively small hooves make tiny crunching sounds in the snow, which I would not have heard had I not been standing no more than a few feet away. but there is something odd about it. Its body is very small, not even coming up to my waist, but that is not what makes me wonder. It is pure white. I am used to seeing deer all the time, and I admire their grace and beauty. But those are brown or spotted deer. For some reason every perfect white hair on this one's body makes me shiver, and not from cold, but fear.



After a few more minutes of quiet observation, I realize what else is missing. It is the sense of realness. The creature standing before me is beautiful, but there are no deer-flies bussing around it's head, no dirt in it's fur, and not a single luminous white hair is out of place on it's elegant neck.



It stops moving halfway out of the bush, head turned upwards, away from me. I have the sense that it has known I am here the whole time, but it seems to be listening to something outside my range of hearing. Head still raised, it moves gracefully out of my field of view, leaving one pine-branch rustling slightly in its wake. I let out my breath, almost coughing as the searingly cold night-air burns its way into my lungs. The all-encompasing silence has closed in again, and if it were not for the line of small footprints in the snow, I would not beleive that that deer had even come.

The area is so hushed, one can almost hear them, plopping down gently onto beds of moss. Above,the sky is a solid black, interrupted only by the tiny spots of light which are the stars.

Sentence #1 >> I think it would work better as "I can almost hear them"
Sentence#2 >> this is probably the king of the nitpicks, but while I'm at it, I might as well: there should be a space after the first comma. ^_^

I am sitting between the roots of a large oak, bundled up in a coat and scarf, and watching the winter scene around me.

Maybe a little sensual description? What do her (I assume it's a female...) coat and scarf feel like? Is the wool scarf scratching at her neck or the silk scarf hugging her throat so lightly that all she can feel is the heat? Just a few words would go a long way.

After that, the silence continues, until a soft step in the undergrowth to my left breaks it.

This is kind of awkward. Maybe: "After that, the silence continues, until it is broken by a soft step in the undergrowth to my left."

I know these woods well, and there is nothing that I know of to make me afraid. A branch snaps. Inspite of myself, I turn my head quickly to look, but see nothing beyond the shaft of moonlight in which I am sitting.

Sentence #1>> Repetition of "know"
Sentence #2>> Nice! Beautifully short and to the point... very effective.
Sentence #3>> "In spite" is two words--according to my spell-check. ^_^

My heart races. then, from behind a large aspen trunk comes a head.

"then" should be capitalized.

Its relatively small hooves make tiny crunching sounds in the snow, which I would not have heard had I not been standing no more than a few feet away. but there is something odd about it. Its body is very small, not even coming up to my waist, but that is not what makes me wonder.

Sentence #1>> Get rid of the "relatively", it sounds awkward... also, this sentence is in past tens. Fix that. ^_~
Sentence #2>> "but" should be capitalized.
Sentence #3>> I think this should be combined with the last sentence using a semi colon.

I am used to seeing deer all the time, and I admire their grace and beauty. But those are brown or spotted deer.

This is pretty nit-picky and really just a matter of opinion, but I think these sentences are too short. Try combining them with a comma.

It is the sense of realness.

I think this should be "It is the sense of reality"... flows better, IMHO
-----------------

This was really, really good! The descriptions are beautiful and the emotion evident. From the title, I expected it to be about a wolf and was (pleasantly) surprised when the deer stepped out of the foliage. My heart skipped a beat, good job! This would work as another Totems piece...

There are little problems, and a few typos but not many. Most of my comments were really nit-picky and matters of opinion.

Overall: I really liked this! It reminds me of Totems 1, so congratulations! This is yet another masterpiece.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

Above,the

Needs a space.

Inspite

In spite.

races. then

Capitalize "then."

mournfull

Mournful.

away. but

Capitalize "but."

I realize what else is missing. It is the sense of realness.

I would put a colon in the place of that first period and cut out the "it is"; that way the flow isn't interrupted.

bussing around it's head, no dirt in it's fur, and not a single luminous white hair is out of place on it's elegant neck.

"Buzzing." Change the three "it's" to "its."

all-encompasing

"Encompassing."

would not beleive

"Believe."

searingly cold night-air

Searingly? Gross.

* * * *

It's a nice little description. I liked the "unreality" bit. My advice would be to make sure not to unnecessarily hyphenate words. You've got quite a few scattered throughout that I didn't mention, so be sure to catch those.

Solid beginning. Good luck with the rest. =)

Prokaryote

Hello!

The area is so hushed, one can almost hear them, plopping down gently onto beds of moss.

Plopping might not be the best word to portray the snowflakes landing. They don't plop, they do more of a drift... XD
If it is snowing there will be no moss. Right?

The cold is oppressive, biting into me from all sides.

I like how you described the cold

I shiver quietly, not wanting to move and disturb the silence.

I think you could do something more with this sentence. Like here:
I shiver quietly, not wanting to move and disturb the blissful silence.

The call of a barn-owl sounds from far off, its mournfull cry echoing through the tree-tops.

You mention its call/cry in the same sentence twice
Maybe you could do something like this:
A barn-owl sounds from far off, its mournfull cry echoing through the tree-tops.

I know these woods well, and there is nothing that I know of to make me afraid.

You say know twice. Maybe you could do something like this:
I know these woods well, and there is nothing that is going to make me afraid.

My heart races. then, from behind a large aspen trunk comes a head. I see large ears, bright eyes and delicate long legs. A deer. Its relatively small hooves make tiny crunching sounds in the snow, which I would not have heard had I not been standing no more than a few feet away.

I love this bit. You did a great job on describing the dear and its foot prints.

For some reason every perfect white hair on this one's body makes me shiver, and not from cold, but fear.

Maybe you could do this:
but this time not from cold, but fear.

It just seems to fit better.

but there are no deer-flies bussing around it's head, no dirt in it's fur

There would be no deer-flies in the winter and if there is snow on the ground, there generally wouldn't be dirt in its fur either.

That was so beautiful. I think you could add some more description about her surroundings and stuff but over all I really liked it!
Its has inspired me to write something!

Cheers,
Genevieve

Wow........... That was fast!

I'll edit when I have time.


Thank you everyone for your amazingly helpful reviews!


If any of you want a critique, PM me!!!!!!!


~Lupis

Hmm... This is really interesting.

In the first paragraph you've used a lot of commas, which makes this a little hard to read. Looking at the way you've tried to pause the reader though, I think this would make a nice poem if you ever transformed it.

Your description is beautiful and quite vivid. I especially like this line.

'The cold is oppressive, biting into me from all sides.'

It's the middle of summer and you've made me want to curl up in a warm blanket, I think that says a lot about your writing.

'I realize what else is missing. It is the sense of realness.' - I think a lot of writers struggle to show that something is abnormal in a story that the reader isn't really familiar with, but you've done it quite nicely.

I think you should let the reader know at the beginning if it's just started snowing, or if it's been snowing for a while. It might help clear up the contradiction with the idea of snow falling onto the moss.

Overall, nice work I think other people have picked out the little mistakes and such.

Thanks for the review!

By the way, I have just finished the rest of this story. I decided to turn the main character into an elderly widow, instead of my original idea of a young girl. Let me know what you think!

~~~~~

Snowflakes fall to the forest floor, settling gently onto beds of moss. All is silent. The solid black sky above is dotted with tiny pinpricks of starlight and glows slightly behind a waning moon. My view is framed by swaying cedar branches. I do my best to ignore the chill seeping into my joints and huddle between the roots of a large tree. Bundled in Earl’s old coat I enjoy the winter scene despite the cold. I hope my shivers do not disturb the silence.



A barn owl’s screech suddenly echoes through the tree-tops above me. The sound is familiar and I do not flinch. In a moment the silence again settles softly all around. All is quiet until my senses detect a soft step in the undergrowth to my left. Fear courses through my body, but I force myself to relax. I have known these woods for many years. Earl and I settled here when I was but twenty-two, and we spent much of our time walking these trails. Even after he died I still kept up our nightly walk routine. There is nothing that should make me feel afraid. A branch snaps and in spite of myself, my head turns quickly, searching for the source of the sound. But I can see nothing beyond the sliver of moonlight in which I sit. Then, my heart racing, I see a head appear. I relax slightly when I make out the ears and delicate long legs of a deer. Its hooves crunch as they break through the snow’s surface. Then I notice something odd about this creature: This deer is pure white. The deer I am used to seeing are always brown or spotted. For some reason every perfect white hair on this animal's body makes me shiver. After a few more minutes of quiet observation, I realize what else is missing: The creature standing before me is beautiful, clean and pure. Normal deer are dirty, or scruffy from surviving in the wild. But there is no dirt on this deer and not a single luminous white hair is out of place on its elegant neck. The moon reflects off its perfect hide and it seems to glow as if it were made of light.



Halfway out of the bush, head turned upwards, away from me, the animal stops for a moment. I have a strange feeling that it knows I am here, but is unconcerned about my presence. It seems to be listening to something outside my range of hearing. Head still raised, it moves gracefully out of my field of view, leaving an evergreen branch bobbing slightly in its wake. I draw in a long slow breath, almost choking as the searingly cold night air burns my lungs. The pervasive silence returns. Were it not for the line of footprints in the snow, I would not believe that the deer had been there at all. I stare at the place where the deer disappeared and find myself rising. My knees creak as I stand and hobble stiffly forward, feeling the cold more deeply now that I am no longer sheltered from the wind. I pull back the still swaying branch and begin to follow the faint footprints in the fresh snow.



As I follow the deer’s trail I notice the woods becoming colder and darker. Thick foliage obscures the moon. I walk beside the prints, not wanting to mar their crisp perfection on the white powder. My teeth begin to chatter. I feel a deep ache settling into my bones, and it seems to worsen as I go deeper into the forest. The cold never bothered me so much before. I recall walks I had in these woods on colder nights than this. Back then I was a young bride, enjoying my beloved forest with Earl. But he is gone now, and the cold seems to bite into me on all sides.



I realize that I’ve come to a small clearing. The moon shines brightly onto it, bathing the area in a dazzling, silvery light. I am startled by the moon’s brilliance and throw up a hand to shade my face. As my eyes slowly adjust to the light, I notice a human shape in the center of the clearing, silhouetted by moonlight. I squint to make out who this might be and then gasp in surprise and wonder. It is my husband, Earl! But he has been dead fifteen years! He holds out a wrinkled hand, beckoning to me. I look down at my feet to see that the deer’s tracks have disappeared. Hesitating, I look up at the smiling figure. Then, taking a deep breath, I take the proffered hand and step forward into the light.