The Cage - Prologue

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So, this is an edit of something I wrote a while ago. Tell me what you think, I know it's pretty bad at this point. xD Enjoy the Prologue:

***

“Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over flesh –that is to say, over fear... Heroism is the dazzling and brilliant concentration of courage. “ – Henri-Frederic Amiel.

Found: Hard copy of the last Telescreen message transmitted through Allomorph Global Communications Inc.

Year: 2750

A meltdown in sector C12 of the main Allomorph Pty Ltd facility has created worldwide panic. The public is now aware that the simple tasks and structures of life that depended on Allomorph technology will no longer be made available to them.

Allomorph, the master force in online world trading, banking, and technologies has issued a statement pertaining to the cessation of production in their factories. While it is known the statement was meant to be made known to the world, it failed to go to press; there is no press.

Now we find that thousands of anecdotal reports of suicide and familial homicide are pouring into all main control units. There is a flood of confusion and terror sparked from the loss of Allomorph technologies; their complete domination of all fields has led to the rapid disintegration of individual abilities. It appears that while this is only recent news, and the possibility of aid is still in existence, there is an influx of individuals who appear to lack to capacity to handle life without the control of Allomorph. So much has the company directed the control of the human race, now when we must live without its support, we are unable to rise to the challenge.

We mourn for the dead and fear for the living.


Year: 3000
Lunar phase: Third Quarter Moon – Survivor observations.

All previous methods of communication are lost. The entire world has retreated to a simpler time, and I doubt it will ever move forward again at such a rate. Such little technology is left with us now, my hands ache with writing this, and it has been so long since I’ve used a pencil, or done anything strenuous using my own hands. Allomorph had us all covered. They took over so quickly, shooting through the ranks in online trading, taking the banks and overrunning most large companies. It was all we could do to step back and take what was handed to us until we were succumbed by it. Now we must step back once more, and let nature take its course for once.

It saddens me to see how we have broken in our ways. So many chose to forsake the city altogether, not helping those in need in the least, and take to the hills as it were. Over the last twenty years or so large groups of people have been collecting themselves as best they can and retreating past the chaotic new world and creating solitary havens for themselves. Even now, high in the hills to the north I can see the antlike movement of the village there, streaming back and forth in their own insulated world. While I know they do well in their new lives, I also know that the suicide rate continues steadily. Perhaps soon we can learn to live our lives as they are given to us.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey there Princess Pingu,

“Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over flesh –that is to say, over fear... Heroism is the dazzling and brilliant concentration of courage. “ – Henri-Frederic Amiel.


A very interesting quote that you've chosen Pingu. I am interested as to how this will have reference to your fantasy.

Overall impressions:

I'm actually quite interested as to where this story will lead. It has a lot of potential and I hope you will post the starting chapter to the fantasy soon. To be honest, I'm not actually a fan of a prologue like this, as it felt more like a blob than a prologue with the amount of telling you had.

I think you should rewrite this, but in a showing way rather than telling. I also think it's a bit short, but that's my opinion. It could have been longer. The reason as to why I think it's a bit short as the information is rather compacted. I think that you can elaborate on certain aspects of it further.

For example: What did Allomorph had that humanity considers as being the bees knees? Allomorph must be some pretty niffy stuff.

Sorry if this critique doesn't really help much lol, but I just think you should be able to rewrite this in a showing way, and be able to make this longer by elaborating on the ideas further.

Overall, I am interested as to where this will go. Please post more.

Andy.
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Overall a very intriguing and attention-grabbing intro to a story, darling. The way you've formatted it (first like a news report and then like some kind of official journal) further enhances the pull-in factor. Mostly, I found your problems lay in long, rather confusing sentences, the most notable of which being:


While it is known the statement was meant to be made known to the world, it failed to go to press; there is no press.


The phrase "it is known" has forever been a bane on us in the battle against verbosity. Nix it. Also, "there is no press" would have far more punch if it were it's own separate sentence.


It appears that while this is only recent news, and the possibility of aid is still in existence, there is an influx of [color=red]individuals who appear to lack[color] to capacity to handle life without the control of Allomorph.


The red phrases could deffinately be shaved, reworded, or nixed all together. Also, I think you meant "the" instead of "to" (right before "capacity").


So much has the company directed the control of the human race, now when we must live without its support, we are unable to rise to the challenge.


Just general verbosity and confusion; fix as you will. Also, all of a sudden we're "we"?


So many chose to forsake the city altogether, not helping those in need in the least, and take to the hills as it were.


It's the "as it were" that gets me. Just the sense of your writer seem to say that if he (or she, we don't know which) were to use a phrase like "take to the hills," they would either put it in quotation marks or totally forgo the "as it were."


Also, just a little thing, but 250 years seems an awful long time for something like that to still be the defining factor in everyday life. Just a thought.
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Dino! Sorry it took a while, but I had other priorities. Anyway, here's the crit I promised. :D

Allomorph, the master force in online world trading, banking, and technologies, has issued a statement pertaining to the cessation of production in their factories.


While it is known the statement was meant to be made known to the world, it failed to go to press; there is no press.


The repetition of this word makes its use more noticeable, hence Gyr's comment (although, she's a pretty good nit-picker as well :lol:). While it is known that the statement was meant to be shared with the world, it failed to go to press. There's other word choices. :)

Over the last twenty years or so, large groups of people have been collecting themselves as best they can and retreating past the chaotic new world and creating solitary havens for themselves.


Would deleting the first and still work? 'Cause grammatically, it would sound well, if you include a comma after they can. ^^

Even now, high in the hills to the north, I can see the ant-like movement of the village there, streaming back and forth in their own insulated world.


I thought you wrote this pretty well. I didn't feel totally dumped on with random bits of information. You tied it in just fine.

The switch of PoVs from one year to the next was a bit of a shocker. Threw me off for a sec, but got back on track. Dunno if that was what you intended, but it happened. :lol:

There's not much to criticize here, seeing as it's so short. Gyr captured some good points, as well as Andy, so pay attention to their reviews as well. ^^

Sorry I couldn't be so evil. I need a longer, more eviller piece in order to critique evilly. :twisted:

Keep writing! :D

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Oy vey, sciencey stuff.....Lets see if I can make sense of any of it.

I love the quote in the beginning, it is very true.

it failed to go to press; there is no press.


Although it sounds cool it seems redundant.

The whole thing seems as if its supposed to say "this is some pretty scary crap right here." but really...It just scares me in trying to understand it. *simple minded freshman* It probably would be a little more frightening if you went into a little more depth to how much the people depended on this system, and what the system actually is.

It saddens me to see how we have broken in our ways.


Does this mean you're sad about losing the technology or that everyone is so dependent on the technology?

So many chose to forsake the city altogether, not helping those in need in the least, and take to the hills as it were.


This sentence seems a bit confusing, the middle part is unnessary and could be removed.

This seems a bit confusing to me...Is the thing that killed society a computer program? Because the way you phrased it in the second part made it seem more like an army...

This reminds me of the parts in Green Angel after the fire and stuff, and the town is just trying to get by. That book was incredibuly depressing, if you ever get this published, you let me know, I'd read it. Even if it does confuse me.

But I wouldn't take my confusion too seriously. I'm just not good with science.
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