Tourist

Tourist

The first thing that strikes you
Is the heat. The unrelenting
Punishment of the sun. The smells of
Opium, incense and dust smother you
In a suffocating blanket.

Everyone stares at you
Like you're different, an outsider -
A tourist.
They just brush you off,
An alien.

But I am not an alien.
I am one of them. Their
Own kin. Their own race.
Their struggle to accept me
I do not understand. How I long for England.

Hi Gahks--

I think a few things need to be done with this:

-It needs to be less storylike. Less wordy. Less full sentences.

-It needs to be more poemy. Similies, metaphors, incomplete thoughts, hyphens, semicolons, etc.

-All things that refer to "you" need to be removed. Poetry is a personal thing. I'd either say "I" or don't say anything at all...like instead of saying "Everyone stares at you" just say "everyone stares". All of the things you said can be munipulated in some way to not include a direction.

-I wouldn't say tourists, try just to hint to the fact so at least something is left up to the interpretation of the reader.

Good luck!

I like this but you need to work on structure. It is all jumbled together leaving it with little to no flow and via is right it is more story like but that being said I think you are on the right track, if you keep trying then I think you could accomplish something

TRY TRY TRY!

Okay, hi. ^^

I liked this, the idea behind it was really meaningful and you put across the point nicely, but I agree with Via when she says that it is too wordy. It's more like a piece of dramatic writing, instead of a poem.

Also, you flicked from "persons" in the three stanzas. One moment you are saying "you" and the next you're saying "I" which makes it seems a little confusing. Via is also on the right track here and I think that you haven't made this poem personal enough to affect the reader.

Good though,
Ginge

Hiya! Mind if I take a look...?

I liked the meaningful background, and the idea that you seem to know where you're going, but yes, as with others I would say it is but a little wordy. It is strange yet actually well done, the way that you had sentences starting between lines.

'But I am not an alien.
I am one of them.'

This seemed a bit hard to say. Try replacing the firt period with a comma.

The ending was nice, if I knew what it meant. It got a point across, but I don't know what it was...

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hmm... it was interesting.

If i might disagree with just about everyone, the way you at first said "you" to get the mood for the poem, then switched to "I" actually makes sense.Other than some technical stuff,it's all right.

It's still interesting, though

Gahks wrote:Tourist

The first thing that strikes you
Is the heat. The unrelenting
Punishment of the sun. The smells of
Opium, incense and dust smother you
In a suffocating blanket.

Everyone stares at you
Like you're different, an outsider -
A tourist.
They just brush you off,
An alien.

But I am not an alien.
I am one of them. Their
Own kin. Their own race.
Their struggle to accept me
I do not understand. How I long for England.

I think this can be improved by a lot. You got the right idea going about being a tourist in a new country. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

I think you come to the conclusion too abruptly. You need more substance between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.
More metaphors, similes, etc. I think.
I think the biggest problem is that it's too short. The changes in the stanzas are too abrupt, and like I said, you need to say more before your last stanza. Maybe put in a little more description, maybe describe the people before describing them staring at you.
I don't think that you should change POV in the poem either. It's not confusing, it's just... not right. I have to admit, I didn't even notice when I first read it, and I was on the verge of agreeing with Aedomir, but it just doesn't work. I'd just go with first, if I were you.
Try to put in more emotion. I know that it's hard to tell whether you have or not. As a writer there's always an emotional attachment to your work that's hard to see through. But we need to be affected too. Make him seem more... lost, almost. Or more lonely. First your saying that he's really one of them and wants to be part of everything, then you say that he's missing England. Which is it? Does he want to be considered one of them, or leave?

It's a good idea, but as with all things, it needs some more work. Hope this helps!


*adna*

The language in this poem just doesn't do a thing for me. There's a way to use simple language like this and make it work in poetry, but you just didn't accomplish that here. I've said this before to other people and I'll say it here: really good poetry requires a really good understanding of language. You need to find ways to make words work for you. What words paint an image in your mind? What words slap you across the face? What words are silly, boring, inviting, expressive, etc? You just need to experiment a little and observe how words are used. It will help you to do some reading, and by reading I mean from all kinds of authors. Read some Shakespeare, then something more modern. Just read, read, read. Then when you feel like you know how you can adequately get your message across with language, have another go. Right now with what you've given me I feel no sort of emotion, and this has no lasting impact on me at all. I'm sure with an idea of this magnitude that's what you want to go for. Don't give up, but just think about it next time before you try again. Good luck!