Leaves

I told her the leaves would fall,
she didn’t believe me
being the older of the two.
Now I am to blame.

When they fell she glanced down,
my lips curved in a smile,
reaching out to grasp the gold,
her tears fell.

History repeats itself though,
hindsight reveals my mistakes,
the beauty overwhelmed her,
forgetting what it meant.

I wish I hadn’t told her,
learning means so much more,
golden tears and shining lips,
leaves still fall.

I really liked the first two stanzas.They flowed well and I liked how you expressed yourself.

I think the last two stanzas are much weaker by comparison. I think that;

"History repeats itself though,
hindsight reveals my mistakes",

and


"
I wish I hadn’t told her,
learning means so much more"

are a little cliche. Maybe try to say what your saying through imagery, like maybe show how this information has affected the speaker's friend. I like the last line very much.

Hope this helps.

Jas

This sound more like prose put into poem format. Poetry is typically more lyrical than narrative, if you know what I mean. The concept is good though. I would develop it more and make it less "sentency." But you look new! Welcome to the YWS! I hope you stick around and write a lot! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions!

~Yoyo

Hey, this is a nice poem. It's very descriptive and intensely heartfelt, so I believed you as a writer were in this type of situation.

So good one.

Meh, the punctuation and grammer can be polished up in the second draft, just be careful to really take your time on it so your own poetic voice will shine through the words.

Great work and keep writing,

Eimearxx

Aloha, Faerlan!

First, look through your transitions between phrases/ sentences. The first line, for example, I think that you should end with a semicolon (because each phrase can stand on its own) or put a conjunction between "fall" and "she" to smooth things out a little more. In general, watch your commas; they don't always fit where they've been placed (ex: stanza two, line three).

Try not to rely on cliches to get your point across. "My lips curved in a smile" is boring to read because I've read it so many times before. As is the case with "History repeats itself" and the straight concept of hindsight being the perfect revealer. These are all fine ideas to be in control of. However, using them point blank, without any purpose than to introduce a coming idea, leaves me reading it as plodding.

There are some places where there aren't enough words to describe what's going on. In the second stanza, for example, I think "...my lips curved in a smile, reaching out to grasp the gold, her tears fell" could be "... my lips curved in a smile, and in reaching out to grasp the gold, her tears fell" because then there is a relation between everything.

Same with the third stanza. Right now, there is an abundance of one-line, unconnected phrases. However, if there is some kind of connecting word between them and there weren't unnecessary punctuation at the end of every line, it would not be so much of a problem. This will give it a unity the stanza currently lacks.

As to content, I see what is happening, but I don't see why it's happening. Yes, the beginning and ending stanzas show that the narrator wishes he hadn't told the girl about the leaves because it's better she learn about them herself, but why is this significant to the girl? How is this idea developed in the two middle stanzas? If it's not, are the second and third stanzas needed at all?