"hybridization of streetsludge and mortalblood"
AGH!! TOO many big words for one line!
"Americana died sometime ago.
New York is but the ashes
of cultures blended to form a hot molten goop
to fill the apartments with. Texas and rolling hills
and rolling streams have rolled themselves
into disparate entities picking at the minds
of those who fall subservient to themselves."
This stanza was awesome. I love how you made reference to certain places...I especially like it when it's certain places in America Makes me feel so patrioticish.
"if you've got the cash, we've got the time."
is that like from a movie or something? seems like ive heard that before.
"deep down, we know this ocean swaying"
This was my favorite line.
"with nothing to hold when we scream in the night."
perfect way to end.
Overall, I don't know why you call this a bad poem because it's like a masterpiece.
I probably liked it because it seemed so literal.
Okay...since I have the time, I'm gonna rip into this. Make no mistake, I think it's a great piece, but I think we could ALL stand to have our poems torn apart. That's what this forum is for, right? Improvement. Anyway, you know I love your stuff darling, and this is no exception. It's nice to see a deviation from your recent dip into the realm of teenage-emo-angst *shiver*.
blood lines these streets like tinsel on a christmas tree . . . I like the comparison, but it's not very interesting. Why a christmas tree? and they don't notice it because the street sewers
suck it all away . . . you noticed. Who's they? suck it underground and hold it there, waiting, for some
cross-contamination
hybridization of streetsludge and mortalblood
it's what they feed
to their gods. . . .again, who is they exactly? it's too vague
Americana died sometime ago.
New York is but the ashes
of cultures blended to form a hot molten goop . . . goop! bad word! kill it, kill it! to fill the apartments with. Texas and rolling hills
and rolling streams have rolled themselves
into disparate entities picking at the minds
of those who fall subservient to themselves. . . . that's a lot of thought. try breaking this up and maybe *gasp* simplifying a little. I feel like you're using big words for the sake of big words.
if you've got the cash, we've got the time. . . .they? we? WHO?
Wasteland this is not, nuclear waste
is more appropriate. we are wallering in . . .wallering? don't you mean wallowing? our own filth and our own defecation
because the world has gone out to sea
left us here with salt to cure our wounds
and the blood of our neighbor to drink.
deep down, we know this ocean swaying . . . this doesn't make any sense. this ocean IS swaying, perhaps? waves licking our fragile bodies, eroding away
at the youthful skin that was once there
and we understand the boat has left shore
set off without our wishful minds and left us
with nothing to hold when we scream in the night. . . . excellent. very powerful ending. i would like to see the strength of this stanza in the rest of the piece
one more thing...XXX? Come ON!
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.
No. It's supposed to be a poem; what you pull from it is different than what others pull from it, and, sometimes, even different than the author's intent.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
