When it happens

When it happens.
When I leave, you will be there.
In a night's cruel wind, or in a day’s harsh light
That time, there will only be despair.
I will always be your son,
You will always be my mum.
Remember that time?
When they thought it was over,
And all I could hear was your distant lullaby.
This time will be no different,
So don't cry in the night when you think I can't hear.
The bond is too strong for me to not feel your pain.
Like you feel my fever, my rasping breath and
My cold shaking
I can feel your anger, your never relenting bitterness
Your heart breaking.
Come sit with me, in my delicate room
Sing to me again, and don't cry
Because all I want to hear
Is your sweet mother’s song
That tells me I can do no wrong,
Not even in the next life’s unknown
Be with me then.
When it happens Mum.
I will still be your son.

This ends like a greeting card and that is not a compliment in this case. The poem just drags on when the mood and the meaning are clear. You tell a sad little story, but poems shouldn't be like this. Your word choices are often bad and don't flow with any meter or repetition. As for form, it is equally sad, as it becomes uninteresting by line 7.

Keep sad poems short and sweet with meaning, don't bloat them.

All of this is is just fat, and unnecessary for establishing the mood:

"I will always be your son,
You will always be my mum.
Remember that time?
When they thought it was over,
And all I could hear was your distant lullaby.
This time will be no different,
So don't cry in the night when you think I can't hear.
The bond is too strong for me to not feel your pain.
Like you feel my fever, my rasping breath and
My cold shaking
I can feel your anger, your never relenting bitterness
Your heart breaking.
Come sit with me, in my delicate room
Sing to me again, and don't cry
Because all I want to hear
Is your sweet mother’s song
That tells me I can do no wrong,
Not even in the next life’s unknown
Be with me then. "

Here is simple and powerful with some minor changes to establish form:

When it happens

When I leave
you will be there.
In a night's cruel wind
or in a day’s harsh light.
When it happens Mum,
I will still be your son.

This poem was soooo cute! It was sad, but had a great hope to it that really made it inspirational and totally adorable.

Your topic was really riveting and I kind of want to know the end (but it added to the poem that you didn't mention it).

I'm not usually a fan of freeform, but you have a great writing style and I'm kind of a fool about my poetry anyway.

Awesome work!

XO
~Nightfall

I disagree with Cheeky -
I thought the ending brought it back around and tied it up in a nice, neat little box. Your words really flow (they don't drag anywhere). I've honestly never seen such a heartfelt poem for a mother, especially from a son, and it's just so unexpectedly tender. I can't really offer any suggestions, so be honest... I love this!

I really like this poem, there's too many people writing poems about teenage love, so compared to most this really stands out. Nice work.

I think cutting it too short will make it dull, but perhaps a little more structure and rhythm would work. The meaning and purpose are brilliant, but this could definately benifit from being split into verses. Here's my suggestion.


'When it happens.
When I leave, you will be there.
In a night's cruel wind, or in a day’s harsh light
That time, there will only be despair.
I will always be your son,
You will always be my mum.

Remember that time?
When they thought it was over,
And all I could hear was your distant lullaby.
This time will be no different,
So don't cry in the night when you think I can't hear.
The bond is too strong for me to not feel your pain.

Like you feel my fever, my rasping breath and
My cold shaking
I can feel your anger, your never relenting bitterness
Your heart breaking.
Come sit with me, in my delicate room

Sing to me again, and don't cry
Because all I want to hear
Is your sweet mother’s song
That tells me I can do no wrong,
Not even in the next life’s unknown
Be with me then.
When it happens Mum.
I will still be your son.'

I found this part didn't run too smoothly, so here's another suggestion;

Remember that time -
When they thought it was over,

Taking out the question mark should take away the break that stops the two lines from fitting together.


This is a really great piece, so keep up the good work. Kudos.