Dear Dairy...

Dear Journal,

Even though the front cover of this stupid book says dairy (I could never spell that word) you are know a Journal, because of that fact that every time I wanted to write dairy, I would have to look at the front cover and that does not seem like my cup of tea.

My Grandma gave you to me as a 16-birthday gift. What 16-year-old girl wants a dairy for their sweet 16, hasn’t she ever heard of a car, no wait, she takes the bus, anyways my mother said “it’s the thought that counts, Addison,” Yeah, some thought my grandmother put into this, she probably got it at the buck or two.

Why couldn’t she just give me money so I could go out and buy those really cute boots I wanted, not some dairy. I mean the front cover has, kittens on it, KITTENS! OMG, I wouldn’t even give this to the 11 year old I baby-sit. Next year I’m telling my mother to tell her that I want money.

-Addison

I like it, its realistic. I'm not going to spell check because well its a diary abd lots of people do that in there diaries. So if thats what you're going for you got it. totally look forward to reading the next entry.

...Is there a point to this?

I mean, the voice is good, there are a few kinks in the writing but it's nothing alarming, but honestly, what's the point? Who is Addison and why do I care? Right now I just know that some girl got a journal for her 16th birthday. What's the plot? Where's the action? Where's the story?

This is lacking all the elements of a story. Meaning that this is not a story at all -- at least not in the sense that a writer would aim for.

There's nothing to critique here, love. I can't critique a diary entry that doesn't have a story to it at all.

My suggestion is to come up with an actual storyline -- or if you already have one, write that into the story before you post it on YWS. Posting something on YWS usually means you need to have enough for the storyline to be clear.

Much love and luck.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

There is going to be a story line in her next entry, but it was her first entry and she was upset that her Grandmother gave her a diary instead of car.

There isn't suppose to be a story line in the beginning, because I was thinking back to when I wrote my first entry in my diary. I didn't write my life story on the page. It was something unfamiliar, she will tell everything about herself but, not in the first entry.

It was just an easy way to start the book.

There isn't suppose to be a story line in the beginning, because I was thinking back to when I wrote my first entry in my diary. I didn't write my life story on the page. It was something unfamiliar, she will tell everything about herself but, not in the first entry.

No, she won't write her life story on the first page. But she needs a story line in the beginning or no one will read anymore. Stories need to start with hooks, and with conflicts. The most important thing a beginning needs to do is get the reader to continue reading. So I would cut this and start with the next entry, if that is how you want to do it.

You might consider reading other books in this style, too, to give you an idea of how the plot folds out. In Go Ask Alice the conflict is in the first entry. It's also a very good book, so you should pick it up either way.

I like this, good voice, very honest and realistic. Sharp and funny. I'm looking forward to reading more entries!

I could see it being a published teen fiction book, just keep working on it!

What was the point of this? Nothing happened. It was just a girl writing in her diary in a completely neutral tone. I couldn't even tell if she wa angry, because it didn't sounds like it.

And why on earth would a sixteen year old get a car? It's not like she would be able to drive it by herself for another two years, it would just sit there.

Overall, this story is just not interesting. Nothing happened, nobody did anything, there's just... nothing.

Hey Cole!

i need points, aha. So i didn`t know you were gonn post anything like this , i didn`t even know you wrote anything like this. I guess it would be better if you added to it and gave it more of a plot, and storyline.

You also might want to consider xhanging either her age or saying she wanted a car, because you only get your permit when you 16 not your license, so its not very realistic for her to want a car.

Oh and i love how you put in about the Kittens lol, aha so funny, because its actually true, you can never find a diary without a cheesy kiddy thing on it.

Well this is long, like you said i should write it so...good luck with this!!

Hi T,
A lot of people have said that you only get your permit when your 16 but in some places you can actually drive when your 16.

I don't know if this is true and if it's not I'm going to bump the age up to 17/18, whatever one fits better.

I agree that this post is short, but I was on the phone with A and I thought of it, so I just wrote it, lol.

-lg*

You can get a learner's permit here at sixteen, I think. It varies depending on where you live.

Hmm, I suppose I echo what others have said about plot, but I did like the voice. You did seem to have a few run-on sentences. Here is an example:

What 16-year-old girl wants a dairy for their sweet 16, hasn’t she ever heard of a car, no wait, she takes the bus, anyways my mother said “it’s the thought that counts, Addison,” Yeah, some thought my grandmother put into this, she probably got it at the buck or two.

This whole thing is just one sentence! Could be revise to something like this:

"What 16 year old girl want a diary for their sweet sixteen? Hasn't she ever heard of a car? No wait, she takes the bus, and anyways my mother....." See what I mean?

I want a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


See ya!

I hope this helps.

~lupis

Well, I can't say that I agree much with the above comments. I agree with you! This is the first entry in a dairy (hehe I like the misspelling) and you're not going to write everything. Maybe the plot will fall in later.

I would suggest, Lakegirls, posting in larger sections. Don't do one entry at a time. It takes up too much room, and if you do five, six, or seven entries in a post, people will be happier.

I am writing a story, right now, in a diary form, and my first post didn't have a lot to do with the storyline. So, what I'm saying is continue! Please do! And if you do, PM me!

Twas good so far!

BBB

Well, around here on your sixteenth birthday you can indeed get your license...so I know what you mean there. The misspelling of diary actually bothered me greatly. I know its supposed to be a diary, but it still bugged the crap out of me every time I saw it. *twitch twitch* must....spell....check.... Anyway, you don't have to change that since it's character development and all.

The tone in this was too......juvenile. It may be like that on purpose, but it wouldn't be something I'd read in the future for that reason. I don't know about you, but in my journals I don't write things like "OMG". That's just my personal preference though.

It's hard to edit this because you could argue that all of your mistakes were put there on purpose to make it seem realistic. Run-on sentences and such things aren't in any journal of mine (or I try my best not to include them) so I don't know if you want them in this....

All in all, there's not a whole lot I can say about this. Yes, there's no plot and yes, there are some technical errors, but "its a diary" so I suppose I can't really say any of that legitimitally (sp?)...