World Of Sin

World Of Sin

Clip clop. My footsteps echo beneath
the dark moon as I stroll down a dead
lane. The houses are vacant, the windows
resembling cold, distant eyes. Parks and
playgrounds carry the wicked stench of
malfeasance. The sorrowful winds whisper
their dirty secrets, creeping into the ears
of any passer by. The skies that used to hold
radiance of the stars seem angrier and gloomier
than before. I hear excited voices of the ghosts
of people who chat in high tones beside
me. Every young woman's heart
seems to have lost its beauty and
their pure souls today. The walls that
burden the city have been tainted with
blood. Mothers weep in the corners of their
homes for their children who have lost
themselves. The presence of God and
law is eroding away in this tainted realm.
When I walk further, the chasity of the world
seems to be covered by the pathway of
sin. Is this a vision of the future of
a new generation?

It really didn't seem very poetic. If you had taken the lines out it would have been a story, or an intro of sorts. Other than a few word pictures, there was no real poetic structure. I suppose the biggest problem I had was the lack of flow. There was no flow between words, and the poem feels awkward when read.

I do think that with a little more thought you could have a good poem. I do like the setting, seems eerie, but you desperately need to consider your words and when you break the line.

One other minor detail that bothered me: clip clop. Clip Clop is usually described as the noise horses make, and when you described it as a person I got a funny mental image.

This would work better with a different format. As Kepe said above, it doesn't really sound poetic. But it is well done and beautiful. Wherever you have a period, try starting a new lie instead:

Clip clop.
My footsteps echo beneath the dark moon as I stroll down a dead lane.
The houses are vacant,the windows,resembling cold, distant eyes.
Parks and playgrounds carry the wicked stench of malfeasance.
The sorrowful winds whisper their dirty secrets, creeping into the ears of any passer by.
The skies that used to hold radiance of the stars seem angrier and gloomier than before.
I hear excited voices of the ghosts of people who chat in high tones beside me. Every young woman's heart seems to have lost its beauty and their pure souls today.
The walls that burden the city have been tainted with blood. Mothers weep in the corners of their homes for their children who have lost themselves.
The presence of God and is eroding away in this tainted realm.
When I walk further, the chasity of the world seems to be covered by the pathway of sin.
Is this a vision of the future of a new generation?


This is just one idea. You could also try starting a new line after every pause, which is usually what people do. Also you would have to fix the capitalization.
But I really like the words you have here. Giving it a new format will just make it seem more like a poem and make it read a little easier.
Anyways, great job!:smt023

One thing, first of all: please please PLEASE do not follow 1dering at star's advice on where to break your lines. That's the worst thing you could do to this poem. Now on to my own analysis, yes?

Note: I'm also going to bold every adjective in the poem, for use in future commentary.

Clip clop. My footsteps echo beneath
the dark moon as I stroll down a dead
lane.

Why 'clip clop?' That's a sound associated with hooves, not footsteps, and it's hardly poetic at all. I'd get rid of that.

The houses are vacant, the windows
resembling cold, distant eyes. Parks and
playgrounds carry the wicked stench of
malfeasance. The sorrowful winds whisper
their dirty secrets, creeping into the ears
of any passer by.

Passer by= passerby, plural passersby. Also, this poem suffers from an overabundance of adjectives; too many, contrary to popular belief, actually weakens your prose. Think about it: which gives you a stronger image? "The houses are vacant, the windows / resembling cold, distant eyes," or "The vacant houses stared?" The latter, right? Edit with that principle in mind.

The skies that used to hold
radiance of the stars seem angrier and gloomier
than before. I hear excited voices of the ghosts
of people who chat in high tones beside
me. Every young woman's heart
seems to have lost its beauty and
their pure souls today.

This segment seems relatively superfluous to me; wouldn't it be better to trim off the fat and serve something that's shorter, but healthier/tastier?

The walls that
burden the city have been tainted with
blood.

The tense used here weakens the statement.

Mothers weep in the corners of their
homes for their children who have lost
themselves.

I'd suggest 'the children,' instead of 'their children.' Otherwise, I really like this.

The presence of God and
law is eroding away in this tainted realm.

You used 'tainted' a few lines before; the repetition does the imagery no favors.

When I walk further, the chasity of the world
seems to be covered by the pathway of
sin. Is this a vision of the future of
a new generation?

Chasity = chastity. Also, the image of chastity being "covered up" by a pathway of sin seems to me both arbitrary and unclear; maybe you could clarify? And that last question comes across as too blunt--why not try to work it into the poem more artfully?

This
kinda
seems
as
if
you
did
this
with
it...

Its not really poetic and it is all chopped up...
I like the idea maybe it could be some sort of chant or something
Keep going I like the description and the detail but you need to go further into it.
Tell us more about this "I" What it she/he feels and thinks etc.

Good luck,
Genevieve

[quote="Lil_Pau"][b]World Of Sin[/b]

[i]Clip clop[/i]. My footsteps echo beneath
the dark moon as I stroll down a dead
lane. The houses are vacant, the windows
resembling cold, distant eyes. Parks and
playgrounds carry the wicked stench of
malfeasance. The sorrowful winds whisper
their dirty secrets, creeping into the ears
of any passer by. The skies that used to hold
radiance of the stars seem angrier and gloomier
than before. I hear excited voices of the ghosts
of people who chat in high tones beside
me. Every young woman's heart
seems to have lost its beauty and
their pure souls today. The walls that
burden the city have been tainted with
blood. Mothers weep in the corners of their
homes for their children who have lost
themselves. The presence of God and
law is eroding away in this tainted realm.
When I walk further, the chasity of the world
seems to be covered by the pathway of
sin. Is this a vision of the future of
a new generation?[/quote]

This is a good story I like it. All you got to do is place commas where they need to go. Ok? Well that is all i have to say about it. Good luck with your writing. Gothgirl01

In contrast to what Kepe said I personaly loved yor poem. It caught my attention and kept it there. The structure seemed fine to me and it flowed. You never lost me but i do agree that the " clip clop" reminds me of a horse. Good job. If you keep on practicing you'll be great.

This was an interesting poem. It captured me and kept me. very good... The only thing is that when you use enjambment, the subject matter after the period needs to relate to the subject matter before the period and on the next line... Of course this poem is very inattentive to the guidelines of poetry. So it's good that they are just guidelines, right? ha ha.