ChionoVision -68 /P

Removed.

Incandescence wrote:
The point to take home today, if nothing else, is that living produce entropy, or chaos.

- I think here you meant “produces” or perhaps “living things”? either way, it’s missing something to make it have sense. ^^

Incandescence wrote:
He had a crooked smile that always put people on edge; it was a trait he was not unaware of.

- Just a note: I have always loved the phrase and image that is “crooked smile” and I wish to see it more often in the books I read. Nice word usage.

Incandescence wrote:

Kyle walked to his office. He left the door open and opened the blinds, letting an aesthetically pleasing amount of light hit the desk and chairs. He enjoyed his view: one which allowed him vision of the traffic on the outbound 90 and the conditions on the coast. The shoreline, he had always found, was an unsatisfying resolution to culture versus nature. He had just started checking his email when a timid knock came from behind him. "Dr. Lylac?"

- You use “he” a lot in this paragraph, it seems odd. As we know who the object of the paragraph is to begin – from your use of “Kyle” some of the subsequent “he”s seem over the top clarification.

Incandescence wrote:

His comfortability with the situation bothered Kyle.

- “comfortability” sticks out here… not just because my spell check doesn’t like it. ^^ It’s either a well used, although seldom used word, and that’s why. Or it doesn’t fit. Saying the word itself appears cumbersome. I’m not sure what word you’d use instead… there are a few that would fit, but I would suggest changing it.

Incandescence wrote:

"It means you're not out. Unless you mean from my office, then you're out."

- Hehe.

Incandescence wrote:

"So? It's a sign he's prepared to move at any moment, and you better than anyone understand the necessity of freedom from responsiblities when it comes to this school."

- “responsibilities” – was missing an “i” after the “b”

Yay! Suspense! I still can’t really remember what I was thinking before. But now I’ve read over it I know why I thought suspense. There’s this feeling, as you’ve ended on this line, that what happens while they’re out will be important. I’m curious to see who they meet.

Obviously, as you know, I’ve not read the original, so I’m taking this from a completely new light. So if there’s something I’ve mentioned that isn’t important, or should be explained later, or whatever, don’t mind me. ^^

I enjoyed reading this quite a lot. It’s both interesting and intriguing (yay big words) I love Kyle’s humour and the refrigerator question was great. But I find that this was mainly dialogue, while reading it I wouldn’t help but think there were some small bits that may do well with some more description. Thinking on it now, I’m not so sure there is actually a problem with it, but you may want to have a look at that?

I’m looking forward to the next bit, I believe I shall enjoy it. Hope this has helped.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

The classroom became a cacophony of chairs, zippers and voices as the students dispersed from their seats and into the hallway.

He left the door open and opened the blinds

I don't like the repetition of "open".


Ah, Kyle and Jon. ^_^ I still like them! Although I'm not sure this is the greatest place to begin. Which is hard? You can't immediatly get into the mess of Ch, but it still needs more of a punch--otherwise no one would continue. I would, of course, and there would be some who would, but you still need a hook. I also think you could have characterized them better. I know what Jon and Kyle are like--but does any one else? It might just have been that the scene you started with didn't show them off to their full potential. *shrugs*

Looking forward to more!

Hey, Brad!

I remember your first draft of Chionophobia started out with a sex scene. The conversation this starts out with is interesting, but it doesn't have the same, off the bat shock value. I'm not saying change it, but it's something to think about.

Kyle considered placing the note in one of his colleagues' inboxes but realized the department chair, Casey Lorraine, had shown up and was now using the copier.

Cute. xD

Kyle walked to his office. He left the door open and opened the blinds, letting an aesthetically pleasing amount of light hit the desk and chairs. He enjoyed his view: one which allowed him vision of the traffic on the outbound 90 and the conditions on the coast. The shoreline, he had always found, was an unsatisfying resolution to culture versus nature. He had just started checking his email when a timid knock came from behind him. "Dr. Lylac?"

This is interesting, but I don't think here is the place for it. Up until now, you've only shown the more shallow outside of Kyle. His quiet reflection on the scenery slows things down, and seems like it's written in a different style than the rest.

"Great," Kyle said dryly. "What's in your refrigerator?"

Haha, what?

"It means you're not out. Unless you mean from my office, then you're out."

I see what you're going for, but this sounds awkward. Maybe you could rephrase it?

It's great to read these again. Jon and Kyle are such fun characters. It'll be cool to see how you've changed the story, in your revision. Thanks for posting!


Jane

Hey. ^_^

To be frank, I don't think this is as strong an opening scene as your origional. Opening with a sex scene grabs the attention in a way that opening with a lecture-interview combo simply cannot.

The trick question Kyle asks in the interview also through me off, simply because the actual answer (0) is the one I automatically came up with, and it took me a while to work out why Tristan answered -32. Maybe you could make the trick a little clearer to the non-mathematicians.