Desperation in Monte Carlo

[pre]spin the wheel, notched and loaded.
A twisted statistical quandary
with a marble which could land on alternating pockets
of red and black
but mostly red. Where sixlines and corners and streets
mean nothing and there's a six-to-one chance
you'll come away rich.
Then again, every spin
is just a countdown.

Round and round it goes,
where it stops nobody knows.

Step right up, the croupier says – wielding a scythe
and grinning (that same omnipresent grin: an exposé of stilettoed incisors) –
hedonism and edge-living are a shot away.
Place your bets.

cigarette smoke snakes into the air, creating an acid-base cocktail
with tension.
Sweat beads on furrowed hairlines
and the little wheel is passed from pessimist
to pessimist, hoping the marble doesn't land
on their number, secretly.
The little wheel goes round and round like
a joint passed by kids on a streetcorner.
No win, no win, no win.
Chances are getting better - or worse -
and the croupier smiles wider.

A thousand miles away from France, under the pretext of being Russian,
they pull the trigger.
One by one, to a chorus of clicks, waiting for thunder.[/pre]

I have to say I love the form of this piece - it keeps you spinning like the roulette, but is still subtle enough not to labour the point. On that note, it seems to me that the final line is a bit disappointing in the way it breaks the pattern, as it doesn't keep flowing like the others, or bring the reader to an decisive stop. It come across as unfinished, somehow, though of course that's just my interpretation.

Also, whilst I'm not against the use of the parenthesis and think it adds to the overall effect, the imagery used within "an exposé of stilettoed incisors" seems a bit over the top to me, especially mixed with the previous image of the croupier as a grinning death-like figure (which, by the way, is excellent). Also the choice of the word "charlatan" seems odd, as, after setting the croupier up as something beyond normal men, you're attributing them with the skills to con and beat him. I think a clearer contrast between the croupier and the gamblers would be better to bring across the desperation you talk about at the end of the poem?

Sorry for going on ^^ It's an excellent poem, with an original subject and as I said, some fantastic ideas and imagery (my personal favourite being "an acid-base cocktail with tension"), and I hope some of my ramblings are useful ^^

You definitely have a talent for using images and sounds to create a strong mood for the piece, and I really like that. But be careful of doing too much. Sometimes, like in these examples...

Step right up, the croupier says – wielding a scythe
and grinning (that same omnipresent grin: an exposé of stilettoed incisors) –
hedonism and edge-living are a shot away.

cigarette smoke snakes into the air, creating an acid-base cocktail
with tension.
Sweat beads on furrowed hairlines
and the little wheel is passed from charlatan
to charlatan

...you have too many good words. You want to use powerful words, but don't make it look like a dictionary puked on your poem. There's a fine line between vivid imagery and word overload.

Round and round it goes,
where it stops nobody knows.

I thought there ought to be another "round"--it sounds better and I believe that's the way the common saying goes. I also thought you might put it in quotes or italics because it is a common saying.

The ending was awkward for me...the last sentence lost a lot of the natural rhythm and flow of the rest of the piece. I almost felt it would've ended better with the second-to-last stanza, but obviously then it loses some meaning.

I like the format...it's very free-flowing and it reflects the poem well.

Where sixlines and corners and streets
mean nothing and there's a six-to-one chance
you'll come away rich.

Great line!

-Colleen

Thanks you two! Your advice is extremely helpful.

Sugar >> You mentioned that the use of charlatan is incorrect. You're right. That's what I get for using a thesaurus without double checking definitions. I was looking for a word that meant 'daredevil' but sounded a little more sophisticated. Unfortunately, I've now tried several different thesauruses and the best synonyms they can come up with for 'daredevil' is stuntman and madcap and hot dog. None of these fit the poem. Do you guys have an alternative.

By the way, just for everyone's clarification's sake, this piece is about Russian Roulette and the croupier is a representation of death. Maybe that explains the last line a little better, sugar? If not, I'll get to work on it right away.

-Kylan

This piece makes me feel like I'm spinning, round and round. I really liked it. You should work on clarity, because the poem is somewhat short, you should make it more clear of what you're talking about so you know instantaniously what you mean. Very well done, I might add!

Really good. I love the format and the way it reads. One thing I found a little odd was how some lines have the first letter capitalized and some don't. Just do one or the other. Usually I say all capital, but I find I'm getting a little bored with that, and I think lower cased letters would work good here.
I love the images and the overall feeling I get from this. It's sort of like that feeling you get when you've just watched a really good movie, for example, and it makes you a little sad because you wish you could create something that good. Do you know what I mean? Well, sorry to ramble. I suppose I should just say 'good job' and go...
So... Good Job! And go.

Again, thanks to all!

I've made a few changes, particularly to the ending line. Hopefully it's better now.

-Kylan

spin the wheel, notched and loaded.

notched and loaded are past tense, 'spin' should be as well...spun 'course.

A twisted statistical quandary
with a marble which could land on alternating pockets
of red and black
but mostly red. Where sixlines and corners and streets
mean nothing and there's a six-to-one chance
you'll come away rich.
Then again, every spin
is just a countdown.

I really, really love the last two lines here! I also love the flighty-ness of the rest of the stanza. It's descriptive without being descriptive, but it may be a little too flighty? Maybe ground it just a little more.

Round and round it goes,
where it stops nobody knows.

Cliche lines. Not that it's bad, just that it's cliche. I haven't really decided if I like it or not yet haha.

Step right up, the croupier says – wielding a scythe
and grinning (that same omnipresent grin: an exposé of stilettoed incisors) –
hedonism and edge-living are a shot away.
Place your bets.

Also very flighty and not like the first stanza in the least. Ground it a bit.

A thousand miles away from France, under the pretext of being Russian,
they pull the trigger.
One by one, to a chorus of clicks, waiting for thunder.[/pre]

Love 'em!

Ky, this is awesome. There are a few things that really do need to be a bit more grounded, but I love the style, it's amazing. It would be a good analysis piece but I'm not sure anyone would actually know for sure what it is about. It's is a huge step from your last few poems, as you said. And really, it's very good!

Nice work!

Kylan,

Here is one of proper critiques that equals part of your contest prize. If you have any questions or my handwriting is just illegible please tell me.



Ta,
Cal.