why did it happen to me?

As the day wore on, Sequoyah was quietly singing to herself, going about her daily chores. Slowly she knelt down on her knees to fill the bucket, letting her mind slip back to the times when she had come here before. Times she used to play with her little cousins, splashing around in the water to pass the time by. As she finished filling the bucket, she leaned back on the heels of her feet, letting the warm sun catch on her face. As she was sitting there, a slight rustle in the bushes beside her caught her attention. She quickly glanced behind her to see if anybody was there, seeing no one there, she decided it was just the wind. As she was standing up, another movement in the bushes caught her attention.

She froze.

Slowly she turned around, expecting to see a bear or a warthog in the opening, getting ready to attack. Instead, she saw nothing.
Other than the leaves on the bush slightly blowing, there looked to be nothing wrong.

Figuring it was just the wind again, she started to head back to the village, but as she was walking past the bushes, she noticed a few imprints in the ground off to the side. Curiosity and boredom made it to where she wanted to look, but she knew she shouldn’t.

Curiosity won.

As she walked over to the mysterious footsteps, she couldn’t help but feel as if someone were watching her. Finally, after what seemed forever, she made it. At first, she didn’t know what they were, but when she looked closer, she discovered with shock that they were human footsteps.

And they were fresh.

Uh-oh. This was not good.

All those good memories that were just buzzing around in her head, suddenly vanished.

This really scared her, and now that she knew what they were, she wished she had never come here.

Scared and worried, Seqouyah took off running, almost tripping over the roots of the trees around her. She ran towards the river bank, knocking over the water bucket she had left. As she reached the bank, she stopped and took a deep breath then looked around at her surroundings.
Seeing as nobody had come after her, she took another deep breath and plopped down on the soft sand.

Now relaxing a bit, she got on her knees and bent over to fill the water bucket. Then the bushes started rustling again. Sequoyah dropped her bucket and jumped up, not even taking concern that her bucket was floating downstream. Turning quickly around to see what had made the noise.

She wasn’t surprised to see that no one was there, but she didn’t look away, she just sank to her knees and continued watching the trees. After what seemed like a half an hour, the trees started rustling again, and Sequoyah, almost half asleep, quickly looked up to see none other than Son jay, her future husband.

“Man, you should have seen the look on your face!” It was all he could do to stop from laughing. Then noticing the tears on her face, he ran over and knelt down beside her. All he could do was just sit there, too stunned to say anything. After what seemed like forever, she stopped crying and just sat there not saying anything.

Sequoyah looked up at Son jay, with a pleading look in her eyes, and broke into tears again. He couldn’t take it any more, not caring who saw them or what happened after, all he wanted was to make her happy, he didn’t mean to make her cry, he was just playing. Looking back at her, he gently placed his hand under her chin, “I’m so sorry Sequoyah, I didn’t mean to scare you, I was only playing. Please stop crying.” Now it felt as if his heart had jsut been ripped out.

Then, without even realizing it, he put his arms around her, not wanting to let her go. he gently lifted her chin to where he was looking into her eyes, he whispered very gently, yet with sincerity, “I love you Sequoyah, and nothing would ever make me want to hurt you. Nothing!” At that Sequoyah looked away, tears forming again in her eyes and collapsed into his arms.

This is a good beginning, I like the idea and it kept my attention. But it felt like everything happened too fast. You just told us everything that happened, without giving much description. If you slow down, and use more metaphores and the like, it will make the story more enjoyable, as well as give us a better feel and connect us with the story more.

As the day wore on, Sequoyah was quietly singing to herself, going about her daily chores. There was a rustle in the bushes beside her.

This is an example of where things happened really fast. Especially because it is the first few sentences you should give us a little more so that we can actually picture the scene and get a feel for it. Where is she? What chores is she doing (I know you tell us later, but it might be good to tell us know so we can, like I said before, see it.

At first, she didn’t know what they were, but when she looked closer, she could tell they were human footsteps.

Even this one sentence could be broken up with description.
Example:
At first she didn't know what they were. She cautiously leaned forward to look closer, and with a shock of ... fear? surprise? what is she feeling?... realized that they were human. (this may not be the best example, but you see what I mean )

Uh-oh. This was not good.

Why?

Well, anyways, with a little work, this could be really great! Its intriguing, and I can't wait to read more and see what happens next! Keep going!

Sorry, one more thing I noticed... So far the title doesn't seem to fit. If its the title of the whole story, then thats OK, but if its just the title of the chapter, then i might change it to something that has more to do with the story.
Sorry if I sound like I'm finding a lot of mistakes, I don't mean to, its a great story so far and I'm looking forward to the rest of it.

Hi,
Again, excellent with the plot for the story, but remember to run through your spell check

The story was alright, it seemed like you were in a rush to finish it. I have done this many times and know that you want to finish the story but just let it flow for a while, it might take a while to finish, but it's worth it because the results are amazing.

Sequoyah crying when Son jay scared did seem a bit unrealistic to me, but she is your character so you can make her do whatever you want!

Waiting for chapter 3.

As the day wore on, Sequoyah was quietly singing to herself, going about her daily chores. Slowly she kneeled down on her knees [There's no need to say that she kneeled 'on her knees' because that's more than implied so change it to 'on the grass' or 'in the sand' depending on where she is.] to fill the bucket, letting her mind slip back to the times when she had come here before, times when she used to play with her little cousins, splashing around in the water to pass the time by. [The repetition of time was a little annoying. Maybe 'to pass the day by' at the end?] As she finished filling the bucket, she leaned back on the heels of her feet, letting the warm sun catch on her face. [Maybe consider re-phrasing 'catch on her face.'] As she was sitting there, a slight rustle in the bushes beside her caught her attention. She quickly glanced behind her to see if anybody was there, seeing no one there, she decided it was just the wind. As she was standing up, another movement in the bushes caught her attention. [Again, quite a bit of repetition. Try to limit that.]
She frooze.
Slowly she turned around, [s]exspecting[/s] expecting to see a bear or a warthog in the opening, getting ready to attack. Instead, she saw nothing.
Other than the leaves on the bush slightly blowing, there looked to be nothing wrong.
Figuring it was just the wind again, she started to head back to the village, but as she was walking past the bushes, she noticed a few imprints in the ground off to the side. Curiosity and boredom made it to where she wanted to look, but she knew she shouldn’t.
Curiosity won.
As she walked over to the mysterious footsteps, she couldn’t help but feel as if someone were watching her. Finally, after what seemed forever, she made it. At first, she didn’t know what they were, but when she looked closer, she discovered with shock that they were human footsteps.
And they were fresh.
Uh-oh. This was not good. [This is rather drawn out. Maybe shorten some of the sentences, make it more dramatic.]
All those good mememories that were just buzzing around in her head, suddenly vanished.
This really scared her, and now that she knew what they were, she wished she had never come here.
Scared and worried, Seqouyah took off running, almost tripping over the roots of the trees around her. She ran towards the river bank, knocking over the water bucket she had left. As she reached the bank, she stopped and took a deep breath then looked around at her surroundings.
Seeing as nobody had come after her, she took another deep breath and plopped down on the soft sand. [Awkward. Should be 'Seeing that no one was coming after her, she took another...']
Now relaxing a bit, she got on her knees and bent over to fill the water bucket. Then the bushes started rustling again. Sequoyah dropped her bucket and jumped up, not even taking concern that her bucket was floating downstream. Turning quickly around to see what had made the noise.
She wasn’t surprised to see that no one was there, but she didn’t look away, she just sank to her knees and continued watching the trees. After what seemed like a half an hour, the trees started rustling again, and Sequoyah, almost half asleep, quickly looked up to see none other than Son jay, her future husband.
“Man, you should have seen the look on your face!” It was all he could do to stop from laughing. Then noticing the tears on her face, he ran over and knelt down beside her. All he could do was just sit there, too stunned to say anything. After what seemed like forever, she stopped crying and just sat there not saying anything. [Again it's repetetive and you use some unecessary words. A better way of saying this might be 'Noticing the tears on her face, he ran to her side and knelt beside her, too stunned to speak. Sequoyah's crying subsided.']
Sequoyah looked up at Son jay, with a pleading look in her eyes, and broke into tears again. He couldn’t take it any more, not caring who saw them or what happened after, all he wanted was to make her happy, he didn’t mean to make her cry, he was just playing. Looking back at her, he gently placed his hand under her chin, “I’m so sorry Sequoyah, I didn’t mean to scare you, I was only playing. Please stop crying.” Now it felt as if his heart had [s]jsut[/s] just been ripped out.
Then, without even realizing it, he put his arms around her, not wanting to let her go. he gently lifted her chin to where he was looking into her eyes, he whispered very gently, yet with sincerity, “I love you Sequoyah, and nothing would ever make me want to hurt you. Nothing!” At that Sequoyah looked away, tears forming again in her eyes and collapsed into his arms.

________________
There's a few quick comments and generally this was okay and it has some good potential but you need to work on it some more. You need to remember to describe the scene and portray the emotions without going over the top. Add in some metaphors, let the reader know little details like the speed of the current, any surrounding greenery, maybe some character description etc.

Try to slow this down. You want your reader to be afraid for your persona when she sees the humans. You want to show how she feels about them, maybe quote some direct thoughts from her and don't forgte grammar and structure. Add spaces between paragraphs and use the spell check!

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Watch the braces:


As the day wore on, Sequoyah quietly s{a}ng to herself, going about her daily chores. Slowly she knelt down on her knees to fill {a} bucket, letting her mind slip back to the times when she had come {to this place}. {She remember the fun times with here little cousins and the splashing of cool water.} As she finished filling the bucket, she leaned back on {her} heels, letting the warm sun catch on her face. {A} slight rustle in the bushes beside her caught her attention. She quickly glanced behind her to see if anybody was there. {She saw no one. Just the wind, she thought as she turned away. A}nother movement in the bushes caught her attention.

She froze.

Slowly she turned around, expecting to see a bear or a warthog in the opening, {preparing} to attack. Instead, she saw nothing. Other than the leaves on the bush slightly blowing, there looked to be nothing wrong. Figuring it was just the wind again, she started to head back to the village, but as she was walking past the bushes, she noticed a few imprints in the ground off to the side. Curiosity and boredom {caused her to look, although conscience said not to}.

As she walked over to the mysterious footsteps, she couldn’t help but {See my last “Lapses of Linguistic Logic” PM) feel as if someone were watching her. {At first,} she didn't know what they were{. Taking a closer look}, she discovered with shock that they were fresh human foot{prints}. {Why in the world is she shocked to see human footprints? Since the last chapter, did everyone die?}

{All the good memories surrounding the water well} suddenly {vanished from her thoughts}.

Th{e footprints} scared her{. S}he wished she had never come here.

Scared and worried, Seqouyah took off running, almost tripping over the roots of the trees around her. She ran towards the river bank, {spilling water all the way}. As she reached the bank, she stopped and took a deep breath then looked around at her surroundings. Seeing nobody had come after her, she took another deep breath and plopped down on the soft sand.

Now relaxing a bit, she got on her knees and bent over to fill the water bucket. Then the bushes started rustling again. Sequoyah jumped up, not noticing her dropped bucket flow down the river, and turn{ed} quickly around to see what had made the noise. {Although she saw no one}, she didn’t look away{. S}he just sank to her knees and continued watching the trees.

A half hour passed before the trees started rustling again. Half asleep Sequoyah looked up. {Her future husband,} Son jay, stood there.

“Man, {Since when do Mexican guys say, “Man, you should've. . .”?} you should have seen the look on your face{,}” was all he could say to stop from laughing.

Then noticing the tears on her face, he ran over and knelt down beside her. {H}e sat there, too stunned to say anything. {Eventually}, she stopped crying and sat{,} not saying anything. Sequoyah looked up at Son jay, with a pleading look in her eyes, and broke into tears again. He couldn’t take it any more{.

H}e gently placed his hand under her chin, “I’m so sorry{,} Sequoyah, I didn’t mean to scare you, I was only playing. Please{,} stop crying.”

{He felt as if} his heart had ju{s}t been ripped out.

Then, without realizing it, he put his arms around her, not wanting to let her go. {H}e gently lifted her chin to where he was looking into her eyes{.}

He whispered very gently with sincerity, “I love you{,} Sequoyah, and nothing would ever make me want to hurt you. Nothing!”

At that{,} Sequoyah looked away, tears forming and pouring down her cheeks as she collapsed into his arms.


Work on your paragraphs. It seems as if there are too many.

Make sure everything is spelling and capitalized correctly before posting it.

Also this is really weird. How could the fiance of an obviously insecure girl tease his bride like that? If he was heartless enough for the teasing, why did he feel sorry after doing it?

dont now let me think about that and get back to you...