Breaking Through the Madness

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 137
This is still VERY raw. Feel free to critique the crap out of it!

-Sarah


I arrive home from work, quietly hanging my keys in the kitchen and padding quietly down the tile hall towards the bedroom. If she has fallen asleep, I don’t want to wake her. I turn the doorknob, very unsuccessful at remaining quiet, and I see the light of the streetlamp falling soft and yellow into the room. It doesn’t illuminate the bed, only a strip of the off white carpet and the lonely desk in the corner, where I can see a white porcelain coffee cup and saucer sitting untouched. I don’t look at the window, I can’t make myself. I head straight for the bed. It is lost in the darkness. I reach out my hand slowly and it falls as gently as I can manage onto the unmade sheets, searching for her slender form. My other hand makes its way into the folds of the sheets, and I am praying that I find her there. I am searching, searching with my hands, my eyes focused on the bed, the darkness lifting and its shape coming into focus. I feel frantic and shut my eyes. She is not there.

I pause, my hands are still now, but they remain lost in the bedding. I breathe slowly, slowly, trying to persuade myself to be calm. I look up and she is still there, staring out the window, past the streetlight that stands directly outside and into the dark alley behind our apartment building.

We have been married for fifteen months, and she has been staring out that window for fifteen hours.

I don’t know what she’s looking at, or if she sees anything at all. We have an infestation of mice in that alley. They’ve gotten into the building, and we’ve had to pay extra for the landlord to afford an exterminator. Maybe she sees them out there with her keen vision, and she’s watching them go on with their lives, stealing people’s food and storing it. Maybe she’s found out that they have been part of a scientific experiment and have created a Rats-of-Nimh-like society down there.

I don’t know what she sees.

I woke up this morning completely unaware that my wife was not lying beside me, on her back with her arms thrown above her head as usual. I was cold and thinking that maybe she was, too, and so I rolled over, ready to throw some of the blankets that I had stolen during the night over her head, maybe wake her up playfully and have a fun but quick go with her before we started getting ready for work. The sheets were lying nearly untouched, almost like they were made on her side of the bed but not mine.

“Kitty, baby?” I asked, directing my voice towards the bathroom, which is where I figured she was. There was no answer, and I felt a butterfly of fear flutter in my stomach, though it really seemed unfounded. I threw off the sheets in more panic than the situation warranted, and raced to the bathroom, which was dark and empty. I came out of it, and stopped suddenly, sighing with relief when I saw her sitting at the window.

“Kitty,” I tried again, but she didn’t turn around. I was glad she wasn’t missing, or hadn’t gone off somewhere this morning alone into the city. “Kitty…” I stopped, halfway between the bathroom door and her motionless body. Then I realized that she wasn’t just standing there, watching the early morning sun dance across the paved alley or a pair of redbirds flirting in the air. She had moved the wooden chair of the desk to the window and sat in it. She wasn’t listening to me.

I approached her gently, panic rising quickly inside of me. “Kitty?” I tried one more time, resting my hand softly on her hair. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and long, dark lashes, and gave me a half-hearted smile. “Are you alright?” I asked. She nodded.

“Yeah, baby, I’m fine. I’m just looking outside, that’s all. It’s a pretty day.”

I looked out the window. The sky was white with clouds, the lighting bland. It wasn’t a pretty day.

“Why don’t you come into the kitchen and I’ll fix you some breakfast, okay?” I don’t think I’ve ever fixed her breakfast in the two and a half years we’ve been together, but it was a desperate attempt to pull her out of whatever this was that she was in.

“No, no thank you. I know you can’t cook. I’ll be in there in a little while to get some coffee. Just go on without me.” She tried smiling again, but she seemed so sad that she suddenly stopped and turned her attention to the alley again.

I’m not sure why I left for work instead of staying with her. I called the little girl that works for her at the bookstore she inherited from her father and told her Kitty was sick and in bed, and would she be okay by herself? She gave a timid yes, and I said that she could call me at work if she had any problems, but to please leave Kitty alone.

Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir.

Then I just showered and got dressed like normal, making stops by the window to talk idly to Kitty between getting my tie and then putting on my belt and socks and shoes. I brought her a cup of coffee, fixed with cream and one spoonful of sugar, but she wouldn’t take it, and so I set it on the desk in the corner.

And I kissed her on her forehead like her father would, and ran out the door because I was already late.

***

I could think of nothing but work. I had to. Sitting at my desk everything was ink and paper and the tap, tap, tap, tap of my keyboard. In between each “Kane Michael, can I help you?” and “You have a good afternoon,” came visions of a waterfall of dark brown hair, the soft curve of her nose and lips and chin, and the smoke white day behind her, framing her silhouette. This is where the tapping came. I had to make my thoughts about numbers, about the way the market was rising and then falling downward, spiraling into another black Tuesday. Only today was Thursday, and so it would spiral into an abyss of inflation and crazed selling sprees and a flood of phone calls threatening lawsuits, a black Friday.

It seemed that the hands on my clock, the ones that usually moved through molasses, were moving along at double speed, so that when I next looked up at it, it was half past five.

I knew that when I went home and opened my door she would be stretched out on the couch, watching her nighttime soaps or making toast and eggs for us because we both love breakfast for dinner. I knew, and yet, I didn’t. There was still a consistent sense of unrest in the pit of my stomach. I kept waiting for the peace to come, for our interconnectedness of sex and marriage to suddenly become a sort of telepathy where I would know for certain that her trance had broken. But this never came. No matter how hard I thought, Kitty come out of this, it’s me, Kane, c’mon baby…I didn’t know for certain whether she had or not.

The fear that had become a heavy, unmoving rock in the pit of my stomach kept my feet on the floor and my eyes glued to the clock. Even constantly staring at it, the hands still moved fast and I counted down five minutes without even blinking. But thinking of her just sitting there, if that’s indeed where she was, in some need of me, or in need of anything, made me push my chair away from my desk.

***

And so I am back here again, in the pitch black room, staring at her dark silhouette. She is unresponsive this time, until I walk up to her, fighting the knot in my throat, the saltwater tears that sting my eyes, and take her by the elbow. “Katherine,” I say, and my voice is so low I can barely hear it in my own ears. “Katherine, it’s time to go to bed.” She turns to me, doesn’t smile, but searches my face for an answer I don’t have. One I can’t have. Then she follows me to bed. I tuck her in, pulling the sheets to her chin and kiss her on the lips. She doesn’t kiss me back, but I didn’t expect her to. I just wanted to feel her lips against mine.

She falls asleep very quickly, I can tell by the rhythm of her breathing. I don’t, though. I just lie in bed and listen, my mind racing. I see black and white pictures, a lot of them. Mainly of her, wearing her big floppy hat to the company picnic, standing on her tiptoes to get a glass down from the cabinet, her shapely leg muscles stretching and relaxing.

Crazy runs in her family, she told me this when she knew I was going to propose to her. I tried to be romantic and surprise her, but everyone knew it was coming. Everyone knew I was head over heels for this little girl. Her great-grandmother had been put into an asylum for postpartum. Her grandfather, on her father’s side, took a machete after her uncle because he had stolen a cookie from the cookie jar. He broke down right after, crying all of the time all over the place. He couldn’t keep a job and eventually her father’s family was kicked out onto the streets, where they flitted from homeless shelter to homeless shelter until his mother took the children and ran off with another man. He killed himself shortly after. I don’t know how he did it, her grandmother never told her father and so she never knew.

I was unaffected by this. I trusted her. Kitty was the most sane girl I’d ever known. In fact, she’s twice as sane as I’ll ever be. She’s had a job since she was fourteen years old and at the age of twenty-three was managing the family business. When I am in a fit about something she will be the first to grab my face and tell me I’m being ridiculous.

Maybe she’s too sane, I think, but then physically shake my head to get that kind of thought out of my head. She’s not too sane, she’s not insane, she’s just had an off day. Maybe work is stressing her out and this is her way of dealing with it. Maybe a friend died and she didn’t tell me about it –why wouldn’t she tell me about something like that?

My thoughts still race. Everything still races. The room and the black and white pictures, some of them are colored now, and some of them are silent movies. Most of them are still of her, holding her firstborn niece, baking in the kitchen with flour on her nose, singing to me softly, softly when she thought I was asleep. The images are becoming fuzzier, a little less defined, and soon she is not the only one in them. I am in some of them, which is strange because I definitely don’t remember myself in these situations. I’m holding her sunhat for her while she plays volleyball with the secretaries and other brokers’ wives, I’m holding her hand while she holds the baby and dusting the flour off her nose. These lucid images fold and unfold until they are nothing more than darkness is my mind, and I hear my alarm going off.

When I open my eyes I immediately look towards the window. There she stands again. I did not expect anything different. Sometime during the night I felt her move, I felt her heart beating through my sleep, and I knew she would be there when I woke up. I walk to the window and look straight into her face. She does not look back at me and I am again taken aback by the way her eyes wander like she does not know who I am. This time, however, instead of talking to her like a child and brazing her forehead with my lips, I take her around the waist and press her frail body tight against mine. She folds into me softly, her hair smells slightly sour, and I can soon feel her body shaking with sobs.

“Kitty, Kitty,” I whisper, not because I don’t know what to say but because I find myself unable to speak anything else. Each cry reverberates deep inside of me, wrenched from my own soul and not simply hers, and whatever it is that haunts her, we will fight it together. We will break through it.
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 31
First off, I would like to say that I don't understand why you would want to post something if you thought it was “raw.” (I have confidence though that I won't find much. You're older than I, so I respect you.) My comments, add-ins, and other non-original material are in braces.


I arrive home from work, quietly hanging my keys in the kitchen and padding quietly {Using “quietly” twice in one sentence isn't very cool.} down the tile hall towards the bedroom. If she has fallen asleep, I don’t want to wake her. {If the last sentence is supposed to be something you're thinking (I hope it is. If it isn't, you're switching points of view. That doesn't help the reader), you might want to symbolize that with italics.} I turn the doorknob, very unsuccessful{ly} remaining quiet, and I see the light of the streetlamp falling soft and yellow into the room. It doesn’t {Contractions should be avoided in formal writing. From now on, I will not address the issue in your writing.} illuminate the bed, only a strip of the off{-}white carpet and the lonely desk in the corner{. A} white porcelain coffee cup and saucer {sit untouched on the solitary desk}. I don’t look at the window{;} I can’t make myself. I head straight for the bed. It is lost in darkness. I {slowly} reach out my hand{.} {I}t falls gently as manage{able} onto the unmade sheets, searching for her slender form. My other hand makes its way into the folds of the sheets, and I pray that I find her there. I am se{ek}ing, {comb}ing with my hands{. M}y eyes focus on the bed, the darkness lifting and its shape coming into focus. I feel frantic and shut my eyes. She is not there.

I pause{. M}y hands are still now but lost in the bedding. I breathe slowly, slowly, trying to persuade myself to be calm. I look up{. S}he is there, staring out the window, past the streetlight that stands directly outside{,} and into the dark alley behind our apartment building.

We have been married for fifteen months, and she has been staring out th{e} window for fifteen hours.

I don’t know what she’s looking at or if she sees anything at all. We have an infestation of mice in th{e} alley. They’ve gotten into the building, and we’ve had to pay extra {to} the landlord {for} an exterminator. Maybe she sees them out there with her keen vision, and she’s watching them go on with their lives, stealing people’s food and storing it. Maybe she’s found out that they have been part of a scientific experiment and have created a Rats-of-Nimh-like society down there.

I don’t know what she sees.

I woke up this morning completely unaware that my wife was not lying beside me on her back with her arms thrown above her head as usual. I was cold and th{ought} that maybe she was too, and so I rolled over, ready to throw some of the blankets that I had stolen during the night over her head{.} Maybe wake her up playfully and have a fun{,} quick go with her before we g{o}t ready for work. The sheets {had} lying nearly untouched, almost {as if} they were made on her side of the bed, not mine.

“Kitty, baby?” I asked, directing my voice towards the bathroom where I figured she was.

There was no answer{. Though seemingly unfounded,} I felt a butterfly of fear flutter in my stomach. I threw off the sheets in more panic than the situation warranted and raced to the bathroom{. It} was dark and empty. I came out and stopped suddenly, sighing with relief when I saw her sitting at the window.

“Kitty,” I tried again, but she didn’t turn around.

I was glad she wasn’t missing or hadn’t gone off somewhere this morning alone into the city.

“Kitty…” I stopped, halfway between the bathroom door and her motionless body.

Then I realized that she wasn’t just standing there, watching the early morning sun dance across the paved alley or a pair of redbirds flirting in the air. {You can probably strike everything after alley. The extra clause seems unnecessary.} She had moved the wooden chair of the desk to the window and sat in it. She wasn’t listening to me.

I approached her gently, panic rising quickly inside of me.

“Kitty?” I tried one more time, resting my hand softly on her hair.

She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and long, dark lashes, and gave me a half-hearted smile.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

She nodded{,} “Yeah, baby, I’m fine. I’m just looking outside, that’s all. It’s a pretty day.”

I looked out the window. The sky was white with clouds, the lighting bland. It wasn’t a pretty day.

“Why don’t you come into the kitchen{,} and I’ll fix you some breakfast, okay?”

I don’t think I’{d} ever fixed her breakfast in the fifteen months {I changed it from two and a half years to fifteen months. You said fifteen months earlier.} we'{d} been together, but it was a desperate attempt to pull her out of whatever she was in.

“No, no thank you. I know you can’t cook. I’ll be in there in a little while to get some coffee. Just go on without me,” she stopped suddenly and turned her attention to the alley again.

She tried smiling again, but she seemed so sad.

I’m not sure why I left for work instead of staying with her. I had called the little girl that works for her at the bookstore {Kitty} inherited from her father{. I} told {the girl} Kitty was sick in bed{. I asked if she would} be okay by herself{.} She gave a timid yes, and I said that she {w}ould call me at work if she had any problems, but to please leave Kitty alone.

Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir. {What's this for?}

Then I {had} showered and got{ten} dressed like normal{. Between getting my tie, belt, socks and shoes on, I had spoken} idly to Kitty. I brought her a cup of coffee, fixed with cream and one spoonful of sugar{. S}he wouldn’t take it so I set it on the desk in the corner.

I kissed her forehead like her father would and ran out the door{.} I was already late for work.


Mainly I think verb tenses need to be worked on. I felt so lost when I was trying to correct them that I stopped reading/writing altogether. Look through your work a few more times, mostly focusing on verb tenses. Once you've done that, I'll be happy to look at it again. Good luck!
Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.

Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 137
Most everything I've posted on here has been "raw." I use the suggestions I get to make my writing better. I'm generally not all that serious about turning the stories into something publishable, but to refine my skills as a writer. I definitely appreciate your input. Sometimes a second and fresh eye does a lot of good because it catches things like inconsistencies and tense changes.

I do, however, think you misunderstood the story as a whole. It switches back and forth from present to past tense, and after looking through it myself, most of the tenses are correct for what I intended them to do...if that makes sense. It is fiction. Fiction, especially in first person, can be as formal or as informal as the author pleases or as the character's mindset calls for. I don't care that the fact that I used a conjuction affects the formality of my writing. Voice is more important that formality, and the conjuction contributes to the voice. So...thanks for the input. I wish you could have finished it and your critique, though.
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"



Excuse me I have never *lied* about a character I just don't tell the truth
— AceassinOfTheMoon