The Forgotten Secret

Chapter two

Politics


The hall was spacious, and in it were many rows of benches. Its royal carpet ran all the way up to the emperors golden throne. The stone walls were beginning to get overwhelmed by overgrowing weeds. Many candle flames lit the way, casting shadows about the hall. They had to be lit candles because the hall had no windows, for obvious reasons. The emperor wouldn’t want low life peasants peering into his hall and eyeing him up in his rich throne, would he now? A chilly wind drifted in, as the large wooden doors swung open. A dark cloaked man stood in the door way, hidden in the shadows. He wore a threatening dagger at his side; he was a very dangerous man. Some say he’s a hero; others say he’s a blood thirsty murderer. Most citizens stayed clear of him, some even fled the city when they heard news of his arrival. His deep black eyes had seen many things: death, torture, love and even things from beyond this world, well there just rumours but he was definitely a mysterious man and there was no doubt about it. Many eyes stared at him as he casually made his way towards the emperor. The hall was home too twenty middle aged and old men-all of them wearing long white robes. One of them whispered ‘It’s him’ as the ‘stranger’ passed him. The cloaked man stopped and knelt down to the emperor’s feet.

“I am at your service, your highness” he said, with a cold voice.

“Ah yes, you must be Marcus Rutheo the assassin.” questioned the emperor, with his stern demanding voice echoing through the hall.

“I…”

“Speak only when you have my permission” spat the emperor. “I trust you know what you are here for. So I’ll just cut to the chase. Basically there is a man named Cornelius Hornai, I simply want him dead, and I don’t matter how it’s done I just want it done, understand. Its personal businesses so I want go into details; I’ll just tell you what you need to know. Earlier we got a tip off from a farmer named Jacob Lennings, ring a bell.” smiled the emperor. “He mentioned something about seeing Cornelius wandering into Heyshore wood. I think you’ll find that that’s a familiar area to you. A specialty of yours isn’t it. You know, I mean sneaking in woods and slaughtering the wanted undetected. Anyway with that over, have you any questions.” asked the emperor.

“Consider it done.” replied Marcus, with his lifeless voice.

“Who are you outlaw?” shouted one of the political men sitting at the benches.

“Did you really kill your own father and mother?” shouted another.

“Is it true you killed little children for fun?”

Marcus ignored all these rude remarks, and resumed to heading towards his destination, when a figure stopped in front of him. He recognised one of the figures from the bench closest to the emperor.

“How good are you at your job lets see shall we” laughed the man as he pulled out a long blade, he acted fast and lunged at the assassin. But Marcus was already round the back of him and with one swift movement, blood was pouring from the attackers neck.

“Good enough” Marcus replied coolly and with that he left and ran out into the darkness.
*

The emperor was in deep thought, sipping at his wine from a golden goblet. His wrinkled face looked like it was melting in the heat of the candles that surrounded him; His deep blue eyes, staring into outer space. He drummed his fingers on the side of his royal throne. He was occasionally staring at his adviser, as if he was looking for help, when he finally said.
“You know I don’t trust this Marcus, if that’s even his real name. There’s something about him, something that I see as a threat. I should never have hired him, he’s a crazed lunatic, I mean come on did you see the way he slit that man’s throat, for the love of god, it was in seconds. This man’s a professional. But there’s more to it than that, I can feel it. I want Cornelius dead, but at the same time I want Marcus dead and the ironic thing is, that they both pose as threat to me, to Rome. Ok I’ve made the decision.” mumbled the emperor. “Send three of the best assassin’s you can find to eliminate Marcus Rutheo, and as the Cornelius, leave that to me. I have a little surprise for him. WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GO, GO.” bellowed the emperor.

The adviser jumped, at the sudden change of tone and scurried of down the dark narrow corridors.
*

Marcus made a slash at the wooden sign; it was the assassins mark-it usually warned people away-Acting as a barrier. He smiled, the sign read, entrance too Heyshore wood…



______________________________________________

The darkness is rising, the light fading.

humans face extinction.

One secret can save them all.

But its forgotten.

The Forgotten secret

I really like the way you've introduced your characters here, and the contrast between the dark assasin and the dopey emperor works really well. Overall I loved it. Here's what I picked out that needs a little work.

The first paragraph is a little long, maybe you could split that into two. Also, you describe the hall as if it is empty at first, though it's not until later that you tell the reader there's other people there. This causes a distruption in the story, so it would be better to rethink the order.

Rule: Say it once, say it right. Instead of 'royal crimson red carpet' (1. 1 ) try choosing just one of them. If this is an emperors throne room, the reader will probably picture something elegant on their own. Same thing with 'dark black eyes' (1.7), are they dark in colour, or are they just black? You could swap 'dark' for 'deep' or something similar.

they had to be lit candles 1.3

'Windows-for' (1.3) Without a space, the dash makes two words into one, for example 'big-bellied' or 'candle-lit'. In this instance it would be used with spaces, 'windows - for'.

I love this rhetorical question, 'Would he now?' It gives the reader an impression or the emperor without directly talking about him, that's good.

'Well there just' (1. 8 ) In instances where you are shortening 'they are', you use an apostrophy to replace the letters taken out when you squash the two words together. 'They're'


'About one hundred' (1.11) Try to avoid using worlds like 'about', it makes the author seem unsure of what they're writing, which then makes the reader unsure of what they're looking at.

‘So called killer’ (1.11) If you're trying to make this person seem scary, using the term 'so called' is kind of sloppy. It would probably be best to leave that part out. Earlier, you've already made it clear that this person isn't all that he seems, so now you just have to leave the reader to make up their own mind.

Same principle as 'about', words like 'Basically' (5.1) and 'Anyway' (5.6) are best left out, if anything they take away meaning rather than adding to the text.

'His wrinkled face looked like it was melting in the heat of the candles', I love this! Brilliant use of imigary, try adding some things like this into your opening description.

I also like the way you've portrayed the emperor in the way he speaks too. 'He’s a crazed lunatic, I mean come on did you see the way he slit that man’s throat, for the love of god', to imagine an emperor saying this is quite hilarious.

Overall this is a good piece of work, once you've got the hang of some of the basics it should be even better. Keep it up.

first of all, i really liked the way you used characters in this, the whole cancelling each other out thing, anyway on to the crit

They had to be lit candles because the hall had no windows, for obvious reasons.
THERE had to be lit candles because the hall had no windows, for obvious reasons

thanks for changing the dash there

A chilly wind drifted in, as the large wooden doors swung open.
lose the comma

well there just rumours but he was definitely a mysterious man and there was no doubt about it.
well THEY'RE just rumours but he was definitely a mysterious man and there was no doubt about it

The hall was home too twenty middle aged and old men-all of them wearing long white robes.
The hall was home too twenty middle aged and old men; all of them wearing long white robes.

what is it with you and dashes?

One of them whispered ‘It’s him’ as the ‘stranger’ passed him.
One of them whispered ‘It’s him’ as the ‘stranger’ passed BY.

and I don’t matter how it’s done
and i dont matter? maybe i dont care would be better

Its personal businesses so I want go into details
Its personal businesses so I WONT go into details

and resumed to heading towards his destination,
you dont need a to here

How good are you at your job lets see shall we”
How good are you at your job? Lets see shall we?”

and as the Cornelius
and as FOR Cornelius

The adviser jumped, at the sudden change of tone and scurried of down the dark narrow corridors.
The ADVISOR jumped at the sudden change of tone and scurried of down the dark narrow corridors.

you didnt need that comma there

-it usually warned people away-
,it usually warned people away,

COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA

but apart from thses the chapter was really good, i enjoyed the dialogue and the language use, am waiting for the rest!