Zauberei: Chapter 1

"Self-proclaimed wizard Florian Vogel has been announced missing and presumed dead today. A resident of the outskirts of Riverstone, Illinois, Vogel has not been seen for a fortnight. We speak now to his adoptive son, Christopher Ferric, who is obviously devastated." The sound of the nightly news reached Ella Auralis's ears, and she sat down with her mother, Bea, to hear more. An auburn haired boy who looked to be about seventeen, Ella's age, appeared on the screen, looking less devastated than the reporter had described. His face was straight and emotionless, and he spoke as if he had rehearsed his dialogue many times over.

"I have no idea where he's gone. He just vanished, like - " Christopher snapped his fingers. " - that. I haven't seen him for two weeks. There's really nothing else to say about it." He shrugged.

"What are you going to do, Christopher, now that he's gone?" the reporter inquired, shoving the microphone into Christopher's face. A muscle in the boy's neck twitched slightly, but his blank expression did not change.

"I've always tended the garden where we grow our food, and I'll do the same now," Christopher said tersely. "And I'm done commenting, thank you." He pushed the microphone away and stalked off camera. Ella's mother stood up and switched the television off.

"Ella, it's time for dinner," Bea said, but Ella ignored her.

"I think I know him. He goes to Riverstone High School with me," Ella mused, still wondering about Florian Vogel's disappearance. She had heard many rumors about the strange man, most of which stated that he was a crazy old dingbat who claimed to perform scientific "experiments" on magic. That is, if magic even existed. Ella deduced that the man was probably just addicted to some sort of hallucinogens. Still, it was something interesting, and interesting things hardly happened in the sleepy town of Riverstone.

"Ella, time for dinner. Now," Bea said, more forcibly this time. "Come now or you won't eat."

"All right, all right, Mom," Ella sighed, pushing all thoughts of Florian, magic, and Christopher out of her mind. She made a mental note to investigate about them later.

She sat down at the dinner table, noticing that her mother was smiling strangely and bouncing with anticipation about something.

"Mom, what's up? You look...different," Ella said cautiously, unsure what she was getting herself into. Bea's smile grew even more.

"Ella, sweetie, I...I..." Bea bounced up and down slightly.

"What, Mom?!" Ella said, more tersely than she had meant to.

"Ella, I...I...I have a suitor!" Bea squealed, and Ella's eyes widened.

"You have a-a boyfriend?!" Ella said, shocked. Ella's father had left Bea when Ella was born, which had forced Ella and Bea to move from London to Riverstone. Bea's parents lived in Riverstone, so they were able to stay with them until they got their own home.

"What's his name?" Ella asked, slightly alarmed but happy for her mother all the same.

"Rodrigo Argentia," Bea said, rolling the r's. "He's very Spanish!"

"Rodrigo...Argentia? Meg Argentia's dad?" Ella said slowly, hoping she was wrong. Meg Argentia happened to be her arch enemy at the high school, a person she couldn't even fathom possibly becoming sisters with.

"The very same! I'm sure you two will become the best of friends!" Bea smiled at Ella, who couldn't find it in her heart to tell Bea that she hated Meg like the plague.

"That's great, Mom. I'm so happy for you," Ella said flatly, trying to feign sincerity.

"I'm glad, Ella. Maybe you can finally have a father again," Bea said softly.

"Yeah," Ella said. Or maybe pigs would fly.

This is a very brilliant little beginning that deserves a true round of applause. The hook-sentence is absolutely clever and serves unbelievably well in grabbing the reader's attention--at least, in my opinion. Plus, the sort of ironic and "suspicious" characteristics Christopher has is to be toasted to *clink*. Correct me if I'm wrong when I say that you were going for the more humorous tone to this overall chapter? For instance, the happenings in this chapter are very serious in reality, but you meant the narration to come off as being humourous and almost satirical in a way, right? Regardless of your intention however, I think the humor works well and you should definitely stick with it if you're comfortable with that.

Also, for the most part, your grammar and punctuation is very well-executed. I swear, I gasped everytime I saw a comma used properly!! *geeks out*

I would like to note a few little errors here and there, but someone might have to check me on this:

An auburn haired boy

There should be a hyphen after between auburn and haired. There's another similar error in the passage but I can't find it at the moment x_X, sorry!

Bea smiled at Ella, who couldn't find it in her heart to tell Bea that she hated Meg like the plague.

The way this sentence is stated, it's unclear whether it's Bea or Ella who can't find it in her heart... that is, until you get to the second mention of Bea in the same sentence. Basically, this is a very awkward sentence, and I suggest making it more simple and concise by saying something like, "As Bea smiled, Ella couldn't find it in her heart to tell her mother that she hated Meg like the plague," or something of that nature. Though my example might be slightly strayed from yours. Just whatever works for you dude!

Lastly, try not to use the verb "tersely" so much within the same few sections. You already mentioned Christopher speaking that way, so maybe hold off on this adjective until the next chapter to keep the reader from freaking out at redundancy. (Then again, it could just be me who does that)

Anyway, I absolutely loved this piece! Thank you for submitting this and best of luck!

Yeah, now that I read it again, I did use tersely a lot. Apparently I was having a subconscious fetish for the word at that particular moment. Thanks for reading! I'm working on the second chapter at the moment, and it hopefully will be up soon.

Well, Ten just about said it all, but I have just one little thing to add.

You said, " Meg Argentia happened to be her arch enemy at the high school, a person she couldn't even fathom possibly becoming sisters with."

I was thinking that it might be a more potent if you gave some sort of example or experience between the two, rather than just saying that they are arch enemies. I think that an example might make the enmity seem a bit stronger.

I dunno. I dissagree with both of you and say you are being picky. I don't think there is anything wrong with it and must give a 10/10!
I suggest you continue it.

Fang

Thanks, all of you. I'll take what you said into consideration. The second chapter should be up soon.