Strawberry Wine

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Strawberry Wine


Chapter One: Gum on Her Shoe.

Rain spattered against the gold and blue train as it rattled along the rusty tracks.

Lillian Winter lay with her head on the window, her cheek pressed against the cold, hard, wet glass. Her cheek began to slip as the train rattled on.

Music blared from her bright blue ipod and obliviously she hummed along gracefully with the tune.

Her eyes opened slightly and she pulled her cheek away from the window. Rubbing the red mark that was now there, she sighed.Why was it that her mother had shipped her on a farm in the middle of nowhere for the summer. Yes, she did love her grandfather, but she didn’t want to spend a whole summer on a farm, who would.

The tiny screen on her ipod went blank, indicating that the song had ened.

She closed her eyes again, listening to the silence, waiting for the next song to play.

It was then between the break of the songs she heard the high pitched scratchy voice across from her "Kids these days."

Lily opened her eyes to look at the elderly opinionated women, staring at her.

She paused the song on her ipod before it began to play and with her voice groggy from dozing she said. "Excuse me?"

The old lady looked up from knitting her ugly booger green sweater, which looked identical to the one she wore.

"Oh nothing, dear. I was just thinking how rude it was of you to have your music up so loud, especially when some people have headaches." She touched her head briefly, indicating she had one and smiled sweetly.

Lily sat up a bit and glanced at the old lady, looking at her sweater she smiled wider.

"Well I think it's really rude for people to knit ugly booger green sweater's, especially when people have a not so rare ugly-booger-green-sweater-phobia." She said pointing to herself with the biggest sweet smile she could muster.

The old lady stared blankly with a surprised expression.

"Humph." She said going back to her knitting. "Getting ruder by the minute I see." She glanced up from her knitting and looked at Lily with an arched eyebrow. "Hasn't your mother taught you to respect your elders?"

Without even thinking a minute about a comeback, Lily replied smartly.

"Elders, yes, but she never taught me anything about ancestors, which, by the looks of it, your old enough to be."

The old lady stopped her knitting abruptly and stared at Lily with her slit like eyes. She stuck her nose up in the air and went back to her knitting.

Lily grinned and slouched a little more as she pressed play on her ipod.

Glancing at the old lady she turned her music up louder and let out satisfied sigh.

her head leaned towards the cool glass again, her blue eyes closed slightly as she listened to the melody.

Her golden blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail so she wouldn't sit on it, due to the fact it flowed all the way down to her buttock.

Her bangs were pulled back by overlarged sunglasses so they wouldn't be on her face, they sometimes stuck to it when it was humid out, because of that fact that her face always got more oily then usual in the summertime.

Her long legs were crossed and the top one was bouncing along to the tune, making her white flip-flop slip off her foot.

She shifted her position to adjust the black belt on her black overcoat that was so long it gave you the impression that she has nothing on underneath.

She stretched her arms and legs and cracked her gum. She wrinkled her nose at the taste of nothing and the feeling of chewing on clay.

She glanced at the old lady and quickly took the gum out of her mouth.
Reaching her hand underneath the seat and stuck it next to the other pieces of gum that were already imbedded there.

Lily closed her eyes and leaned back against the hard seat.

The old lady watched her for a moment as if she were trying to decide weather she should keep her opinions to herself or say what she was thinking.

"So, dear, where are you headed to?" The old lady glanced at Lily and smirked, making her already dragon like nostrils bigger. "Hollywood?" She asked raising an eyebrow. She must have decided to say what she was thinking.

Lily's eyes fluttered open and she saw the old lady watching her. She rolled her eyes and paused the song.

"What?" she asked pulling her the ear buds out of her ear.

"I was just asking where you were going, Hollywood by the looks of your outfit." The old lady smirked.

Lily smiled sweetly but she was ready to strangle this old lady, why would she think she was going to Hollywood? Just because she was wearing nice clothes? Well where was she off to oz, if she only had some style.

"I really don't think this train leads to Hollywood." Lily said, picking up her earphones. She was ready to place them back in her ears when the old lady said.

"Well a girl like you cannot be going to stay in the country."

Lily let out an annoyed sigh, couldn't this lady shut up for just a minute and stop sticking her big, pig like nose into her business?

"Well I am." She said through gritted teeth.

The old smiled. "Really, where to dear?"

"On my grandpa's farm." Lily said grinding her teeth more.

"Oh, and where would that be?" The old lady asked Lily, her high-pitched voice going though Lily even more then it already had.

"In B.C." Lily said answering with the little patience she had left.

“Well I know that, dear. I mean where to in British Columbia?” Her Voice had a sense of pride when she said “British Columbia”.

Lily huffed and answered the question with impatience. “Ryan’s-river-road.” It was hard to get the words out from being so pissed off with this old bat.

“Oh, very good.” She smirked. She returned to her knitting.

Lily stared at the old lady waiting for her to say something else, after a minute the old bat looked up.

“Is there something you’d like to say?” She asked, stopping her knitting to stare at Lily.

“No.” Lily said shortly. She stared out the window and placed her earphones in her ear, skipping the quiet songs and going straight to the loud ones.

While she listened to a upbeat tune on her ipod, her foot bgan to bounce again, causing her flip-flop to come off completely. Reaching her hand down she picked it up and turned it over examining the back. It was then she saw the bright pink gum stuck smack dab in the middle of her best pair of thong toe sandals. She sighed and began to pry the gum off with her well-manicured nails. Having gum on your shoe is so annoying, just like this old lady; she was the gum on Lily’s flip-flop that wouldn’t go away.


That was the end of chapter one. There will be more to come I hope, tell me what you think, PLEASE!
:D
Last edited by lakegirls on Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:19 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Please write reviews for this, i really need to know what people think, so i will know if i should keep going or if i should just stop.! :D




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Hello, lakegirls!
=D

First, I suggest that you space out your story! Lots of people won't read it just because the clumped paragraphs make it look like there is a lot!


Music blared from her bright blue ipod and oblivious to whatever she was doing she was humming along gracefully with the tune.


This sentence didn't make any sense at first. Maybe you should try Music blared from her bright blue ipod and obliviously she hummed along gracefully with the tune.


Rubbing the red mark that was now on her cheek her moved back and forth quickly as she watched the rain pass the fields.


huh?

Lily opened her eyes to look at the elderly opinionated women, staring at her.


Comma.

"Well I think it's really rude for people to knit ugly booger green sweater's, especially when people have a not so rare ugly-booger-green-sweater-phobia." She said pointing to herself with the biggest sweet smile she could muster.


Whoa! This was a bit mean! Unless you want your character to come off as some sort of mean old woman abuser, you need to give her a good reason for lashing out! Even just mentioning that she is upset about having to go would make it more understandable!


She laid her head against the cool glass, her deep blue eyes closed slightly as she listened to the melody.
Her golden blond hair was pulled back in a ponytail so she wouldn't sit on it, due to the fact it flowed all the way down to her buttock.
Her bangs were pulled back by overlarge sunglasses so they wouldn't be on her smooth, fair skin.
She scratched her small even nose and wrinkled it so the freckles weren't as visible even though her nose was sprinkled with them.
Her long legs were crossed and the top one was bouncing along to the tune, making her white flip-flop slip off her foot.


Wow, your character is way too beautiful! I know that writing about beautiful people is fun, but it can be boring and unrealistic to the reader! She doesn't have to be ugly, just realistic.


"So, dear, where are you headed to?" The old lady glanced at Lily and smirked, making her already dragon like nostrils bigger. "Hollywood?" She asked raising an eyebrow. (I guess she decided to say what she was thinking)


Hold up! You can’t write that note in there! You should not want to! It distracts the reader from the story, and really should just not be allowed. Just no. Stay with your character! You can’t be narrating from several different places at once, it confuses people’s brains!
You can put that information in, but in a different way.
Ex. Apparently she decided to voice her thoughts, because the next moment she was speaking...

While she listened to the guitar player doing a solo she took off her flip-flop and turned it over examining the back. It was then she saw the bright pink gum stuck smack dab in the middle of her best pair of thong toe sandals. She sighed and began to pry the gum off with her well-manicured nails. Having gum on your shoe is so annoying, just like this old lady; she was the gum on Lily’s flip-flop that wouldn’t go away.


I love the karma in this part! :D
One thing though, why is she just randomly checking out the back of her shoe?


Over all, this is a good start, and I urge you not to give up on it! I think it would help you a lot to develop your characters more.

Check out Snoinks Five Tips for Writing Convincing Characters
viewtopic.php?t=2520
It helped me out a lot!

I would love to help you out with anything else you have written, so don’t stop! Pm me if you have any questions.

Later. :D
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt -TBS




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This was an intriguing start.

One thing that I noticed is that you seem to start nearly all your sentences with a pronoun - 'it
and 'she' ( PARTICULARLY 'she') It creates a monotonous flow that turns into plodding. Spice it up a little.

"He pulled at the stubborn doorknob. He couldn't it to open." = "After pulling at the doorknob for what seemed like hours, he gave up and kicked it."

Try starting sentences with verbs ("Whistling, he sauntered down the street") or just changing the subject of the sentence ("She pulled on the shoe" = "The shoe slipped onto her foot.")

Do you see what I mean?

"(I guess she decided to say what she was thinking)" *sirens*

Stop! That can't go in there! The rest of your story was written in third person. You can't suddenly throw in a first person comment. Instead, just drop it in there in third person.

"She must have decided to say what she was thinking." - it works a bit better because it is in third person.

Anyway, good luck with this. Majestic Fantasist left you a good review there. I encourage you to keep writing no matter what anyone thinks. It is good practice. But be sure to listen to people's criticism. We are here to help you! :D

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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I agree the Karma at the end is wonderful, did you write this by yourself? i like how the chapter name is at the end, but your character is to perfect and to mean :twisted: , she sounds like a snob, and makes it hard to read.




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Yes I did, and i know, lol, i'm trying to change her a bit. I really don't want her to come off as either one of those. Any suggestions on how to make her not so pretty and mean?




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Music blared from her bright blue ipod and obliviously she hummed along gracefully with the tune.

Too many adverbs!
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
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"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




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Hi,
I love your story idea. Strawberry wine is my favorite song in the whole and I have always wondered what it would be like if it was made into a book. I have thought about writing one myself, but it looks like you bet me to it. Your idea is much better though.

Is it going to be exactly like the song, like is she going to fall in love with someone? I really like the beginning, but I didn't get much from it. It's not like the song yet. Have you ever heard of the song? I hope you have. I hope it turns out a lot like the song. I wonder what Deana Carter would think if she read this?

Please write more of this. I love the song strawberry wine, I wanted to do the same thing as the girl in the song did, but some things got screwed up.

Please personal message me if you write more.

-steph




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I liked it. It has a ton of potential. There were quite a few grammar mistakes, but you can probbaly catch those just by going back.

You made the characters feel real. Even I was annoyed by the old lady. Good job.

But is there a reason why the girl is such a snob? Is she one of the popular, barbie types or something? Try to portray why she has so much attitude somewhere in there.

Keep writing.




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I really like this i think you should definitely continue it. I can tell it is going to be good.

Watch out for your grammer though :D

good luck with it!

~Blue Fairy
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

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Brains first, then hard work. That's the way to build a house- Eeyore



I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
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