BAthory piece

This may or may not go into the story itself it is just a random blurb that came to mind because my characters enjoy ruining my sleep. i have noticed several errors and have corrected them, but I do not feel like trying to repost this, stupid word processor.


The note was taped to the fridge when she got home from the club. The happy yellow paper a red herring, for it bore news of the worst kind.

I loved you, but I can’t keep playing this game, I am done with you.
- M

She traced her hand along the edge of the paper, a chocking laugh escaping her throat before she ripped it off of the black lacquered surface, her nails digging into the palm of her hand around the bottle of Grey goose that she held. Not bothering to check the house she left the kitchen and entered her room, throwing the glass bottle on the bed as she marched to her closet. She threw the doors open and began to wrench clothes from their hangers looking for her most fierce outfit. She wanted trouble and she had a bottle of liquid courage to help her find it. The feel of metal and leather greeted her fingers and a knife thin smile turned her beautiful face into a mask of depravity. It took her less than five minutes to slip into the ornate costume of little more that what was necessary to cover her breasts and crotch. Her outfit was a one piece designed with bondage in mind, the top had a space for a leash to be fitted onto the collar the pieces held together at the waist with rings of metal and thin chains that bit into her skin each breath she took making them rub away more and more skin. She grabbed the matching boots from the bottom of her closet and slipped them on, the cold vinyl reaching her thighs. She left her long hair loose and walked out of her apartment, taking swigs of the Vodka as she went. Once out side she took a deep breath of the fetid air and called on her hell-raising friends for a night of fun.

“Vylette, I want blood.”
“When and how Faye?”
“Now, and I don’t care, Matt left. He left me a fucking note on the goddamn fridge for me to find, all of his shit is gone.”
“How much hell do you want to raise?”
“All of it, and I want to find him and make him regret being born.” Her words were filled with acid fueled by the glee in her friend’s voice.
“Want me to find him?”
“I know where he is, he only has one other place to go aside from the club and my place, and that bitch is going to really hate me when I am through with her.”
“Where are you?”
“Heading towards his place, meet me there in fifteen.”
“Will do, anything special we need?”
“No, I want to do this without toys.” She got there before Vylette, and waited for her friend, allowing thoughts of carnage and hate to run amuck in her mind.

When Vylette finally arrived they made their way up to the third floor of a lavish apartment building, the glass acting as a mirror to the outside world. Christina found the room she was looking for, using talents she had learned during her visits to Bathory. Vylette went inside first, Christina moved to the living room and settled on the couch, her legs crossed and arms draped against the back of the couch, a picture of sex and nightmares. Vylette joined her soon after, her face painted with a sadistic grin as a bit of metal flashed between her fingers.
“How do you want them to awake?”
“Screaming.” The request was simple and Vylette went to her job as the right hand of the Queen. A moment passed then screams filled the apartment; they lasted no longer than a heartbeat but it filled Christina with a dark excitement.
“Poor babies, did I scare you.” The acidic sweet voice of Vylette hummed through the air and Christina called to her ex-lover and his new plaything.
“Matthias, won’t you come and play?” She was rewarded with him stumbling quiet stupidly into her presence, his body bare save for his boxers; the girl was not so lucky; her form was bare.
“Hello Amanda love, how were your dreams?”
“What the fuck Chris?”
“Oh, I got your note baby, and I thought I would be so kind as to tell you why I have been so…off lately.” Chris waved a flippant hand and Vylette came to her cuddling against her leg like a dog. Chris waved her hand and thin red clouds formed around her wrists.
“You see, I learned recently from Vylette that I was royalty. She took me there, and at first it scared me, scared me so badly that I took to taking uppers to keep from dreaming and when I did sleep I would see this place, Bathory, and all of its terrors.” By this point Christina had gotten up and was gently running her nails across Matthias’ face. “The only problem was I couldn’t rule Bathory from my dreams, I actually had to go there and become, acquainted with the land, in a way be as Persephone. This land of nightmares was actually quite beautiful. Well beautiful in the way that evil is beautiful. Anyways, I learned during my stay there that I was actually a descendant of their first real queen, who named this nightmarish land after herself.” The look of pure disbelief of Matthias’ face made Christina laugh. Amanda had started backing away, her eyes wide with fear as Vylette stalked towards her.
“You’re crazy Chris, you need help, you need lots of help.”
“Maybe, but before that I am going to make a man out of you Matt. You see I don’t like pussies for guys. They make me want to carve out my own womanhood.” With that Chris turned on him, her nails driving themselves into his throat, slim tendrils of blood seeping out from beneath them. She drove him to the floor in his shock and straddled him. She leaned close to him and licked his ear lobe slowly, his body shock involuntarily at the touch.
“You like this baby?” The sadistic tones made his voice freeze up; his mouth worked soundlessly begging her to just go away. She sucked his earring into her mouth and bit down, tearing the tender flesh apart with ease, the blood singing down her throat, his screams filling her with sadistic, hedonistic delight.
Vylette had taken to Amanda, the smaller pink haired girl dangling helplessly from Vylette’s iron grasp.
“May I play with her Mistress?”
“N…no, no, no, please no.” Amanda was begging tears streaming from her eyes as urine seeped down her leg to stain the carpet a disgusting yellow color.
“If it will stop her from whining like the pathetic little bitch she is, you may do as you wish.”
“Leave…. leave her alone.” Matthias was coughing on his own blood, struggling to breath through his mouth since his nose was a collapsed pile of cartilage thanks to a series of hits from Christina.
“Come now Matthias, why haven’t you tried to save her? Is she really mean that little to you? Was she just another pretty face for you to use and discard?” She sneered at him spitting on is face, “Or could it be that you really can’t beat me, are you really that much of a cunt baby. So little of a man that you can’t even push me off of you to go save your little whore!” Chris was screaming, furious, she wanted him to fight her, to bleed her but he just laid there and took it all like it meant nothing to him.
“Vylette, bring her to me. Hold him, make him watch, I am going to make him want to fight to save her.” Vylette pouted but did as she was asked, bringing the bloody, hysteric girl to Chris, throwing Amanda unceremoniously to the floor. Chris got up from Matthias as Vylette pulled him close to her body, a knife pressed ever so lightly against his groin,
“If you try to hurt me, I will cut it off.” Chris had gone to the kitchen and returned with a long, serrated blade that was used for cutting bread.
“I am going to make this very simple for you Matthias, I am going to torture her. I won’t kill her, but I will leave her so damaged that no one will believe her story. But I will give you the opportunity before I start to give her freedom from me.”
“How…I will do anything,” he was sobbing at that point, watching helplessly as Chris traced the blade against Amanda’s breasts.
“I want you to slit her throat.” A strangled cry came from Amanda before Chris jerk hard on her hair. “Not a word from you little one, he needs to decide if he is man enough to give you a quick death, or if he is sick enough to watch me torture you to death.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“You simple dense man, I am doing this because you were not man enough to break up with me in person, you had to leave me a fucking note on smiley face paper taped to my to the fucking fridge for me to find when I got home. That’s why. I am going to make you man up for what you have done.” Vylette was stone still, her face impassive, only her eyes showed the joy she was getting from the show. “Now choose, either you end her life quickly or I make her beg to die.”
“Take me.”
“What?”
“Torture me in her place, I will do whatever you want, just let her go please.”
“What say you Vylette? Should we take the coward up on his offer, see how much of Bathory he can stand?”
“As much as I wish to bleed the girl he would make a fine addition to the gardens, Carrion has been looking for a new pet. But may I suggest that we silence her?”
“She has been begging for us to bring in fresh blood.” Christina turned to Amanda and stroked her cheek lovingly, “You are a very lucky girl. We are not going to kill you, I am going to cut off you hands and cut out your tongue instead okay. Don’t sit back cause you will choke to death, Vylette will take you to the hospital so you won’t die. Remember this though, if you tell anyone, cause I am sure there are ways to communicate, this knife will know you on biblical terms.” Amanda’s howls of pain filled the apartment, twined with the sick laughter of Chris and Vylette, while Matthias’ pleas were drowned out.

That's pretty good,a creepy story but none the less good.You said you made some corrections so it's kind of hard to give you suggestions.Justs tell me when you write the next chapter please.Keep writing.Bye~!

This was gruesome.

It was also confusing and hard to follow. Part of this, I think, is because you didn't have the proper spacing between your paragraphs. (Always makes things hard to read.)

That's only a small part of the problem. The rest of the problem, I believe, is that it's sloppy, especially once you get to Matthias's house. And also before. When your viewpoint character's name is Christina, why does Vylette call her Faye? (If this is to be explained later, not a problem. If it's a typo, or it won't be explained later, it is a problem.) Why is Vylette's name spelled the way it is, out of curiosity? Is it a cultural thing? It just struck me as out of place, and not really interesting. Just typical. (Everyone, ever, tries to spell some name differently than it usually is at some point. Oh, by the way, I forgot about the disclaimer. I went ahead and noted stuff anyway.)

They make me want to carve out my own womanhood.”

This line made me say, "What? What do you mean by that?" It made absolutely no sense.

Amanda was begging tears streaming from her eyes as urine seeped down her leg to stain the carpet a disgusting yellow color.

Is the carpet white?

Matthias was coughing on his own blood, struggling to breath through his mouth since his nose was a collapsed pile of cartilage thanks to a series of hits from Christina.

This sentence seemed clumsy. It seemed like it was running out of air towards the end. You need to rephrase it. But also, maybe you want to mention Christina hitting him. It would let you state that she ruined his nose, and then that would provide some action, and a more streamlined sentence.

are you really that much of a cunt baby.

You forgot a question mark. When punctuating, I believe that you go with the punctuation needed for the last clause, unless you're showing how a character said it. But I think you need a question mark here.

If you try to hurt me, I will cut it off.” Chris had gone to the kitchen and returned with a long,

It's hard to tell who was talking here. Remember: dialogue gets a separate it's own paragraph except for the speaker tag, or if the action belongs to the speaker.

if he is sick enough to watch me torture you to death.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you doing this?”

Hard to tell who was talking again. While you don't need a speaker tag for every piece of dialogue, here it would have been good, particularly for the "Why?" line, because Amanda or Matt could have been saying it, and it would have made sense in either context.

the glass acting as a mirror to the outside world.

Splain, Lucy.

his body bare save for his boxers; the girl was not so lucky; her form was bare.

The words "bare" are oh so close together. Try a synonym for the final part of the sentence - naked would work find there.

most fierce outfit.

Most fierce? I do believe that you mean "fiercest."

Her outfit was a one piece designed with bondage in mind, the top had a space for a leash to be fitted onto the collar the pieces held together at the waist with rings of metal and thin chains that bit into her skin each breath she took making them rub away more and more skin.

Info overload! I think this should be broken up into multiple sentences - as a long, stretched out one, it's too much, and it reads in some places like a person running out of air. And it sounds painful. Chains rubbing away skin? That would imply serious rope-burn. If she's going out to kill, this is not the outfit she would want to wear, in my opinion, no matter how sexy or scary it makes her look. Perhaps something scary and less, painful?

Also, you need a grammar check, and not just for the giant paragraph at the beginning. (Consider breaking it up into more paragraphs.) You're missing a lot of commas, and in some places you have commas, you need more of a start. I didn't feel like going through the grammar mistakes, because there was quite a bit of the same thing. Watch for your punctuation next time.

Now, I have absolutely no idea where this is going, so I really can't critique farther, but I did like this line a lot:

She wanted trouble and she had a bottle of liquid courage to help her find it.

Christina and her friend are very sadistic, and distance themselves from the audience.That seems to be intentional. It worked. You're also teasing us with a world. I hope that we get to see this world later in the story. (I also hope it will be important.)

Proper spaces between paragraphs would really lower the confusion factor, though.

This was wonderfully creepy, just my type of book to read. I must agree, though. The names confused me, unless they're explained later on or earlier in the book, it's just plain confuzzling. Bring out more, bring out more!
~MV