Broadway Queen

She was a Broadway queen, beaten and left out in the snow.
A child of fairgrounds and whistles.
I was a convert of what I should not know,
Going all sorts of places I should not go.
A bloody mouth and an empty hand was the result
Of the scuffle in the alley.
I was jogging home, with no shoes or keys.
I found her lying alone.

She wept as I stooped low towards her
And she mumbled of his general direction.
She said he had run off towards the intersection.
I quietened her as best I could.
I told her if I could last the chase I would.
But I had sold my shoes for some stale food and another injection.
To get me through the day.

I did not recognize this Broadway star.
Her eyes did not register to me.
Her accent did not ring any truths.
Her grand clothes I could not see.
She held out a gesture to help her up.
I did as she requested by holding her hand.
I felt a tingle through my bones.
And even though we were more different than snow is to sand.
I did not know it.

I asked if she required police assistance.
But she strongly advised against it.
I offered to take her to a little place I knew close by.
She stared at me through a swollen eye
And asked me my intention.
Did I crave some money or press attention.
I said no and so we left together.

I had a tea, she had whatever she liked.
Sun glasses on to hide the damage done.
She asked me what I did, I said I sung.
She said that she did too.
An hour passed and she said she had to go.
But said to call on by sometime
And handed me a number and address to go.

The house was on the darker side of town.
With all the streetlights on and the pavements down.
A land of milk and honey indeed.
Her house was larger than I could have possibly dream and
The Broadway queen was waiting.
She came to greet me and I could not believe.
The folks whose acquaintance she offered me.
So I made my excuses to leave
And left while I still could.


I felt so bad for the Broadway queen in such lovely large homes.
But never were two so different characters from two such different poems.
I could not do it justice.
I never saw that powdered face again.
Everyone said I must be insane.
To turn down a Broadway star.
But back I would not go.
To me she remains, beaten, lying in the snow.


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any criticism would be much appreciated. Thanks

*faints* this was great Jack! much longer than I could have written!

I don't really know how to review this now... no grammer errors that I could spot... I gues all I can say that this was excellent and I can't wait to see more of your work!

Very beautiful and truthful. Your rhyming is also appropriate and adds a lot to the poem with few exceptions.

I did not recognize this Broadway star.
Her eyes did not register to me.

This part seemed a little off to me - not sure why, maybe it's the formality?

I asked if she required police assistance.
But she strongly advised against it.
I offered to take her to a little place I knew close by

.
This is where I felt you fell down. It sounds like a formal account, especially the first 2 lines. Try and make it poetic.

But back I would not go.
To me she remains, beaten, lying in the snow.

I love couplets at the end, but here I think it's forced rhyme. The syntax in the second last line is really unnatural.
Generally this was great, but like I said I think you could make it feel a bit more natural. I do like the kind of detached tone of the narrator but sometimes it's overly formal and uncomfortable. Good work.

This was a gem.

You really capture the sense of guilt in the speaker at not having done enough. I liked the crisp, end-stopped clauses and the occasional enjambement was welcomed. The third verse is my favourite, as well as the last. Your description is so vivid you could easily imagine the scene.

The poem could be improved by making the stative verbs ("it was the result") active ("it resulted in") and thus more direct, but I guess sometimes in poetry you have to.

Great job. 9.5/10

But back I would not go.
To me she remains, beaten, lying in the snow.

^_^ Loved it. (Though methinks it is '...remains beaten, lying in the snow.' <no comma after remains. But if I'm wrong, ignore more, because I don't usually comment on poetry).

There's really nothing more to say, it's a great piece. =P


^_^ Keek!