Why did it happen to me?

this is just chapter 1, it took awhile to write so let me know what you think....


The sun was silently rising over the mountains of El Paso, Mexico. Calm and peace seemed to fill the
air with an aroma so sweet, you couldn’t help but smile. Even the flourishing mountains were home to
much wildlife, yet were equally home to a community that lay right in the heart of El Paso. If you
listened closely, you could hear the community up and ready, starting their routine jobs as they do
every day. Suddenly the voice of a teenager rang out over the noise. Singing joyfully to herself, was
Sequoyah.

“Good morning mamma!” excited because her 15th birthday was only a few days away, Sequoyah joyously skipped around the yard, anxious to get started on her chores for the day.

“Mamma”, Sequoyah stopped abruptly and sat down in the chair on the porch, she seemed momentarily confused by something “do I really have to get married?”

Seneca looked at her daughter, sighed. “I believe you do”, Seneca hesitated at first then turned away to finish the dishes.

Slowly, but calmly Seneca finished, “but do you know to who?”

At that Sequoyah looked up. “No mamma, I don’t.” puzzled at the thought of trying to find out who she was supposed to marry, she started to fiddle with the hem of her dress.

“Stop fiddling with that thing child, haven’t I taught you better than that?” Surprised at the frustration in her mothers’ voice, Sequoyah dropped her hand to her side, realizing that it was not the correct way for a young lady to sit, brought it back up to rest on her lap.

“Sequoyah, do you remember that very handsome young man down the road, the one you used to have a really large crush on?” Seneca turned around to face her daughter, and then moved gracefully over to sit beside her daughter. Sequoyah glanced at her mother, and then looked away, blushing.

“Or maybe still do.” Mumbled Seneca.

Sequoyah turned around facing her mother, then hastily replied “Yes, mama I do, but what does that”, Sequoyah stopped dead in the middle of her sentence; she realized why her mom had brought him up. “Mamma! I have to marry him!”

Seneca hesitated, then replied not as reassuring as she had hoped but calm enough.

“Sequoyah I know the idea may seem crazy, but we have no other choice, we have to combine our families somehow!” Seneca stood up slowly, and then slumped back down in the chair.

“Sequoyah I know how you feel, not getting to pick your husband out, but listen if anything you’re a lucky niña. When I got married, my husband was twelve years older than me. Niña, look at me, please don’t cry, at least he’s only a few years older than you.” Trying desperately now to reassure her, Seneca stood up and walked to the door.

“Enrique!” Seneca shouted as her husband appeared over the hill coming home for the day. “Enrique, hurry up, I need you.”

Hearing his wife calling for him, Enrique started walking quickly towards his house. When he reached his house, he asked his wife what was wrong, then hurriedly went into the living room to help sooth his daughter.

“Sequoyah”, Enrique voice sounded out over her sobs “please stop crying sweetie, tell me what is wrong, eh, and I’ll try and fix it.”

Sequoyah stopped crying but didn’t respond at first, then hastily she replied in a squeaky voice, “Nothing’s wrong papa, I’m just happy but worried too.” She tried to smile, but broke down into tears again. She had wondered why she hadn’t seen her future fiancé in a while, she thought he had moved. Enrique glanced at his daughter, relieved to see she really was happy, but also concern because she was worried.

“Why are you worried niña?” He asked as he sat by his daughter.

“Because, I ‘m worried he doesn’t like me!” Sequoyah looked at her father for an answer but he was looking at her mother. They seemed to be in deep conversation, parental senses.

“Sequoyah, of course he likes you, you’re a very beautiful girl, a very lucky one too.” Surprised at hearing her mom speak instead of her dad, Sequoyah jumped, then relaxed and smiled.

“Are you sure?” Sequoyah looked at her mom, determined to get an answer from her.

“Yes we’re sure darling; he came to me himself and asked for your hand when you came of age!” Enrique had answered for her mom.

“When?” she demanded as she turned towards her father. Slowly she stood up and moved toward the door, hoping to get a glance of Son jay, then turned back toward her dad, waiting for an answer.

“A few months ago. Why? Does it matter?” Enrique looked confused at first, but when he seen his daughter looking at him, his face went blank, rid of any emotion what so ever.

“It doesn’t.” was all she said as she turned and walked outside to start on her chores for the day, a tear of happiness rolling down her cheek.

I'm not sure if I'm just supposed to say if I like it or not or if I'm supposed to critique or help edit grammar and style. I'm going for the latter. @ the end, I'll give you a rating about if I enjoyed it or not.

First off, I would have to say that figuring out the end of the paragraphs is a little too difficult. If you weren't worrying about that, than OK.

In "you couldn't help but smile," I would've not have used a contraction. In formal writing, it isn't really a good thing. What you've done and what I'm doing aren't formal pieces of writing. It's for fun, so contractions might not matter either.

"Even the flourishing mountains were home to much wildlife, yet were equally home to a community that lay right in the heart of El Paso." Instead, I probably would've said, "Even [as] the flourishing mountains were home to much wildlife, [they] were equally home to a community that lay right in the heart of El Paso."

"If you listened closely, you could hear the community up and ready, starting their routine jobs as they do every day." OK, I can't really be sure what time of day it is. Yes, I do assume it is in the morning, but I can't be sure. More description should be made. This sentence should probably go in the previous paragraph.

"“Good morning mama!” excited because her 15th birthday was only a few days away, Sequoyah joyously skipped around the yard, anxious to get started on her chores for the day." "Good morning mama!" should be "Good morning[,] [M]am[m]a!" To Sequoyah, "Mamma" is her mother's name. Also "Good morning, Mamma!"'s quite alone. I can ASSUME who is talking, but I don't know. About "mama" & "mamma": mama can have sexual connotations. "Mamma" doesn't have that as much. (From now on, I won't address the "mama"/"mamma" issue. I think you get the point.) Next "excited because her 15th birthday was only a few days away, Sequoyah joyously skipped around the yard, anxious to get started on her chores for the day." should probably be "[B]ecause her [fifteen] birthday was only a few days away, [excited] Sequoyah joyously skipped around the yard, anxious to get started on her shores for the day."

"“Mama”, Sequoyah stopped abruptly and sat down in the chair on the porch, she seemed momentarily confused by something “do I really have to get married?”" I think you have a problem with making sure who's talking. Sequoyah is doing some action (she's moving stopping), but stopping to sit down doesn't have anything to do with talking. (In the next sentence, you used "sighed" which does express some sort of vocal activity.) This sentence is a run-on. You end the first sentence @ "on the porch, she. . ." without putting in a appropriate conjunction or using a semi-colon.

OK, I'm just going to edit your writing as I think best @ this point. I expect you'll get the picture.

Seneca[,] look[ing] at her daughter, sighed[,] “I believe you do[.]”

[T]urn[ing] away to finish the dishes[,] Seneca finished[, slowly but calmly,] “[B]ut do you know to who?” If the lady is using proper English, "who" should be "whom." If this is for styling it to the way a person speaks, it's OK.

At that{[,] I would probably put the "," there.} Sequoyah looked up. “No mam[m]a, I don’t.”

[P]uzzled at the thought of trying to find out who she was supposed to marry, she started to fiddle with the hem of her dress.

“Stop fiddling with that thing[,] child, haven’t I taught you better than that?” {Since you have created dialog between a pair of characters now, it's OK to not necessary write who is speaking. It is now plainly obvious. If someone is still lost here, they probably should go re-read Dr. Seuss. =)}

Surprised at the frustration in her mothers’ voice, Sequoyah dropped her hand to her side[.] [R]ealizing that t[his also] was not the correct way for a young lady to sit, [she] brought it back up to rest on her lap.

“Sequoyah, do you remember that very handsome[,] young man down the road, the one you used to have a really large crush on?”

Seneca turned around to face her daughter and then moved gracefully over to sit beside her [strike out "daughter"]. Sequoyah glanced at her mother and then looked away, blushing.

“Or maybe still do[,]” mumbled Seneca.

Sequoyah turned around facing her mother, then hastily replied[,] “Yes, [M]am[m]a[,] I do, but what does that [-]”

Sequoyah stopped dead in the middle of her sentence[.]

[S]he realized why her mom had brought him up[,] “Mam[m]a[,] I have to marry him!”

Seneca hesitated, then replied not as reassuring[ly] as she had hoped but calm enough[,] “Sequoyah[,] I know the idea may seem crazy, but we have no other choice[.] {<-here; to the left & right, you can do a couple different things, just not a lone ","; here -> [W]e have to combine our families somehow!”

Seneca stood up slowly and then slumped back down in the chair. “Sequoyah[,] I know how you feel, not getting to pick your husband out, but listen[,] if anything[,] you’re a lucky niña. When I got married, my husband was twelve years older than me[/I]. Niña, look at me[.] [P]lease don’t cry[.] [A]t least he’s only a few years older than you."

Trying desperately now to reassure her, Seneca stood up and walked to the door.

“Enrique!” Seneca shouted as her husband appeared over the hill[,] coming home for the day[,] “Enrique, hurry up[";" is 1 way] I need you.”

Hearing his wife calling for him, Enrique started walking quickly towards his house. When he reached his house, he asked his wife what was wrong, then hurriedly went into the living room to help sooth[e] his daughter.

“Sequoyah”, Enrique voice sounded out over her sobs[,] “please stop crying sweetie[";" is 1 way] tell me what is wrong, eh, and I’ll try and fix it.”

Sequoyah stopped crying but didn’t respond at first, then hastily she replied in a squeaky voice, “Nothing[']s wrong [P]apa, I’m just happy but worried too.”

She tried to smile, but {I believe an understood “she” is here.} broke down into tears again. She had wondered why she hadn’t seen her future fiancé in a while[“;” is 1 way] she thought he had moved.

Enrique glanced at his daughter, relieved to see she really was happy, but [he was] also concern because she was worried.

“Why are you worried[,] [N]iña?” He asked as he sat by his daughter.

“Because, I'm worried he doesn’t like me!” {Add description into who's speaking} Sequoyah looked at her father for an answer[,] but he was looking at her mother. They seemed to be in deep conversation, parental senses. {The “parental senses” part seems out of place. I think it's quite unnecessary.}

“Sequoyah, of course he likes you, you’re a very beautiful girl, a very lucky one too.”

Surprised at hearing her mom {“mother” would probably be better} speak instead of her dad {same, but “father”}, Sequoyah jumped, then relaxed and smiled. {I think you're using “then” too much.}

“Are you sure?” Sequoyah looked at her mom, determined to get an answer from her.

“Yes[,] we’re sure darling; he came to me himself and asked for your hand when you came of age!” {do something with whoever is speaking; it's unclear} Enrique had answered for her mom {mother}. {Another thing, did the young man ask for her hand when she comes of age, or did he ask for her hand when she came of age? Clear up for when he asked.}

“When?” {“When?” When what? When did he ask or when did he want to have her hand? It's awkward. Later you answer that he came “a few months ago,” obviously to ask I'm not sure which question from the previous paragraph, but what was Sequoyah asking?} She demanded as she turned towards her father.

Slowly she stood up and moved toward the door, hoping to get a glance of Son jay {Son jay? Her fiance?}, then turned back toward her dad {father}, waiting for an answer.

“A few months ago. Why? Does it matter?” Enrique looked confused at first, but when he s[aw] his daughter looking at him, his face went blank, rid of any emotion what so ever. {He has a totally dead-pan face when he's talking about who his daughter's going to marry?!?!?!}

“It doesn’t” was all she said as she turned and walked outside to start on her chores for the day[.] [A] tear of happiness roll[ed] down her cheek.

My rating for the work is 8/10. I'm taking one off for a kind of weird lack of clarity as to who is speaking. Another one off for just all the things that I felt should be changed. That last point off could be just a style thing, but you never know. There's always something someone could/would change.

Okay. Please double space your work. I can't read that, and nobody else will want to (at least, very few people will want to).

Let me know when you fix it up, and I'll give it a proper critique.

ok i try to fix it....

Forget them! People can read it. They know that they won't have many books in high school and college that are double spaced. So they can get used to it.

Anyway, I liked it and now I'm one of your friends!

What the other people said are right, please double space your work or people will not want to read it. I didn't really want to finish it because of it not being doubled spaced.

The story line was alright, but the dialogue seemed sort of fake, it didn't seem real. I'm going to read the second chapter to see if anything has changed.

DON'T FORGET TO SPACE!

The sun was silently rising over the mountains of El Paso, Mexico. Calm and peace seemed to fill the air with an aroma so sweet, you couldn’t help but smile. Even [I don’t think you need Even here.] the flourishing mountains were home to much wildlife, yet were equally home to a community that lay right in the heart of El Paso. If you listened closely, you could hear the community up and ready, [Maybe ’…you could hear the community awaken’ would be better?] starting their routine jobs as they do every day. Suddenly the voice of a teenager rang out over the noise. Singing joyfully to herself, was Sequoyah. “Good morning mamma!” excited [Excited needs a capital letter because it isn’t a speech tag.] because her 15th [This looks better written as fifteenth.] birthday was only a few days away, Sequoyah joyously skipped around the yard, anxious to get started on her chores for the day. “Mamma”, Sequoyah stopped abruptly and sat down in the chair on the porch, she seemed momentarily confused by something “do I really have to get married?” Seneca looked at her daughter, sighed. [Should be ’looked at her daughter and sighed.’] “I believe you do”, Seneca hesitated at first then turned away to finish the dishes. Slowly, but calmly Seneca finished, “but do you know to who?” At that Sequoyah looked up. “No mamma, I don’t.” puzzled at the thought of trying to find out who she was supposed to marry, she started to fiddle with the hem of her dress. “Stop fiddling [Try to avoid repeating words and you want this character to sound older and more mature so maybe ‘Stop creasing your dress’ or something would work better?] with that thing child, haven’t I taught you better than that?” Surprised at the frustration in her mothers’ [Should be mother’s.] voice, Sequoyah dropped her hand to her side but then, realizing that it was not the correct way for a young lady to sit, she brought it back up to rest on her lap. “Sequoyah, do you remember that very handsome young man down the road, the one you used to have a really large crush on?” [Again, the mother sounds a bit too informal. I know some adults are like that but you need to separate the two characters and a difference in speech always helps there so maybe concentrate on having her sound older and wiser.] Seneca turned around to face her daughter, and then moved gracefully over to sit beside her [s]daughter[/s]. Sequoyah glanced at her mother, and then looked away, blushing. “Or maybe still do.” Mumbled Seneca. Sequoyah turned around facing her mother, then hastily replied “Yes, mama I do, but what does that”, Sequoyah stopped dead in the middle of her sentence; she realized why her mom had brought him up. “Mamma! I have to marry him!” Seneca hesitated, then replied not as reassuring [This is the wrong word. Maybe ’not as steadily’ or ’not as confidently’ would fit?] as she had hoped but calm enough. “Sequoyah I know the idea may seem crazy, but we have no other choice, we have to combine our families somehow!” Seneca stood up slowly, and then slumped back down in the chair. “Sequoyah I know how you feel, not getting to pick your husband out, but listen if anything you’re a lucky niña. When I got married, my husband was twelve years older than me. Niña, look at me, please don’t cry, at least he’s only a few years older than you.” Trying desperately now to reassure her, Seneca stood up and walked to the door. “Enrique!” Seneca shouted as her husband appeared over the hill coming home for the day. “Enrique, hurry up, I need you.” Hearing his wife calling for him, Enrique started walking quickly towards his house. When he reached his house, he asked his wife what was wrong, then hurriedly went into the living room to help [s]sooth[/s] soothe his daughter. “Sequoyah”, [The comma needs to be before the speech marks.] Enrique’s voice sounded out over her sobs “please stop crying sweetie, tell me what is wrong, eh, and I’ll try and fix it.” Sequoyah stopped crying but didn’t respond at first, then hastily she replied in a squeaky voice, “Nothing’s wrong papa, I’m just happy but worried too.” She tried to smile, but broke down into tears again. She had wondered why she hadn’t seen her future fiancé in a while, she thought he had moved. Enrique glanced at his daughter, relieved to see she really was happy, but also concerned because she was worried. “Why are you worried niña?” He asked as he sat by his daughter. “Because, I ‘m [You have a space between the I and the apostrophe that needs deleting.] worried he doesn’t like me!” Sequoyah looked at her father for an answer but he was looking at her mother. They seemed to be in deep conversation, parental senses. [Not sure if I understand this bit?] “Sequoyah, of course he likes you, you’re a very beautiful girl, a very lucky one too.” Surprised at hearing her mom speak instead of her dad, Sequoyah jumped, then relaxed and smiled. “Are you sure?” Sequoyah looked at her mom, determined to get an answer from her. “Yes we’re sure darling; he came to me himself and asked for your hand when you came of age!” Enrique had answered for her mom. “When?” she demanded as she turned towards her father. Slowly she stood up and moved toward the door, hoping to get a glance of Son jay, then turned back toward her dad, waiting for an answer. “A few months ago. Why? Does it matter?” Enrique looked confused at first, but when he [s]seen[/s] saw his daughter looking at him, his face went blank, rid of any emotion what so ever. “It doesn’t.” [Comma rather than full stop.] was all he said as she turned and walked outside to start on her chores for the day, a tear of happiness rolling down her cheek.

________________________

Hey there! Okay, that’s the first chapter looked at and I think you’ve got a good base to work on here but it could be improved. Start with structure. Try to break it down into paragraphs. One way to break up the writing is to start a new paragraph every time you have speech so do that first and see how it looks. Then if you still have large chunks of text, look at those and see if you can find a sensible place to split them.

After that, you need to add some description. Just a little here and there can really make a huge difference. Describe the settings a little and just a bit for each character. Maybe describe what they’re wearing or even how they move because that will add to the characterization too.

And I’m wondering where you’re going with the plot? At the moment you have some romance which is always good but try to build on the possible conflict and action. You want to draw your reader in from the beginning so that they become obsessed with your work!

Hope this helps a little and I’ll give you some advice on chapter two tomorrow,

Heather xx

For all our sakes, institute some paragraph breaks! (Hey, I rhyme!)

Diction. Watch out for redundancy or unnecessary words.

The sun was silently rising

Does the sun ever rise noisily?
That's just one example. Go through your piece slowly, stop at each adjective, for example, and just ask yourself if it really belongs there.


Pace. I think this moves a tad too fast. It's good to get your reader interested in the story, but moving too fast isn't realistic and it'll just scare the reader off. This is only the first chapter! Go slowly or take longer...you have too much happening in a short space. This also results in a lot of telling rather than showing.


Being realistic.Is Seneca really a Hispanic name? I've never heard it before in that context. I know the Seneca were part of the Native American Iroquois...that's not at all relevant. For that matter, I've never heard Sequoyah either. Of course, I'm delighted that her name isn't Maria because that's awfully cliche when you're writing about a Hispanic girl, but do check your facts.
Also, I don't know much about this...but getting married at 15? What time period is it? I know that 15 is an important age in Hispanic culture because it's a girl's quinceanera, but I don't know much about views on marriage. I'll assume you've researched, but if you haven't, get to it!

Dialogue. This ties in to being realistic and pace. When you write dialogue, try to imagine real people saying the words. Could you see it actually happening? Do people really speak this way?

Sequoyah, do you remember that very handsome young man down the road, the one you used to have a really large crush on?”

See, up to here you have the mother speaking in a more formal tone. Here she sounds like a teenage girl the instant she says the word "crush."

“Sequoyah I know the idea may seem crazy, but we have no other choice, we have to combine our families somehow!”

This is like saying, "Let us consume a round patty made from the flesh of a cow," instead of, "Want a hamburger?" Remember that simplicity is elegance! Would someone ever really say, "Combine our families"?

“Sequoyah I know how you feel, not getting to pick your husband out, but listen if anything you’re a lucky niña. When I got married, my husband was twelve years older than me. Niña, look at me, please don’t cry, at least he’s only a few years older than you.”

Here the mother uses "nina" twice in rapid succession, but she hasn't used Spanish words until now. If you want to incorporate simple Spanish words for flavor, be consistent, not so sporadic.

-Colleen

Sorry guys...this is just when I was starting out and I forgot to fix it!