Hidden Secrets: prologue

Shadow_Thief13 · 2008-01-28T00:19:04Z

Hidden Secrets Prologue Lightning flashed, escorted by the sound of an army's horses beating across the barren landscape. Even as the heavy rain mixed with their sweat, the army rode on toward the large silver gates looming ahead. At last the riders reached the gates. The troops leader, dressed in black armor with a helmet covering his face, arms reaching out to the moon, cried in a deep voice, "Father, we have returned with the child! Now open the gates and let us enter into our humble abode!" The gates then swung open and the army strode forward. Then most of the army kept riding, but five soldiers stayed behind. The five soldiers then gave their horses to some stable boys and walked toward a menacing looking castle. A man who looked like he was twenty, but much older perhaps with his shocking white hair, approached them. "Darkhalm, dear child, you said you kidnapped the girl, so where is she?" asked the man. "She is in Hurricane's care father, do not worry." said the night who wore black armor. "I'm not worried, I am overjoyed at the fact that you succeeded in snatching the girl." "Yeah right, dad. Hurricane, hand Master Infearno here the baby so we can get some rest." said Phoenix, wearing some red armor, impatiently waiting to get inside the warm castle. “Shut up little bro, you’re not the boss of us.” said Cobra, in green armor, “ But do it anyways Hurricane.” “See you Uncle.” Stated Hurricane, who was wearing silver robes was actually a doctor, and gave the infant to the man and left with the others, but Iceburg, the knight wearing light blue mail, stayed behind. "Iceburg, I'm guessing you grabbed the boy as well?" said Master Infearno. "Yes. Luckily, he likes the cold like me, so he fell asleep the moment I touched him." "Good, I'll take these two to the Academy for care, and then train them when they are older." “Wait! Uncle, why not I take care of Samerson, he’s bound to wake up and notify the others that we took him without the others.” Infearno’s face turned solemn. Looking down at the two cradled children in his arms he said, “You’re right, take Samerson and I’ll have Darkhalm look after Crissiphone.” “Very well. But what will you do? You can’t possibly go back to Sonoric.” “I can and I will Iceburg. Ianne and Kozrah will surely think I’m dead like the Ianne’s parents if I’m gone to long.” With that said, Infearno turned and left with Crissiphone, leaving Iceburg in the rain. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ To Be Continued...

Darkhalm7_Melissa

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Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:26 pm

Darkhalm7_Melissa says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:26 pm

OMG Theif!

It's been so long since I've got contact to you! You had a mistake here...

"She is in Hurricane's care father, do not worry." said the night who wore black armor.

Shouldn't it be knight not night?

You also had a few more mistakes. Read it over to yourself! See if you can catch then!

Your friend,

D7M

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thanatosdeath

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Wed May 14, 2008 2:41 am

thanatosdeath says... · Wed May 14, 2008 2:41 am

I see you're trying different ideas...That's good, I like the other version better though...No offense...So...Like always work hard and you achieve great things...

Chat later!

Death

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JolieSari55

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Wed May 14, 2008 10:15 pm

JolieSari55 says... · Wed May 14, 2008 10:15 pm

Don’t be discouraged. I read a lot of your reviews by the others and I am baffled by their lack of compassion. Your story is difficult to get into and it doubtless needs improvement (which am I sure that our peers have already told you) but I am not going to criticize a person who has taken more then her fair share. What I would like to say is, for being a mere fifteen years of age, you did okay. It’s a start. Write more and keep it up.

If you feel like some pointers, read on. If not, skip this next paragraph… I won’t be offended.

My “pointers” would be this: keep in mind that dialogue flows when it corresponds with the time period you’ve chosen. You gave me the impression these people were fighters, warriors. I’m imagining that they are in a place where castles are common and magic is as easy as breathing. That structure demands formality… what I mean is, they would probably call their father “sir” instead of “dad.” They would not say “shut up” but instead demand silence. They kidnapped a child! That says to me one thing- that they are calculating and, because of this, perhaps they should be a little more careful of what they sayand do, even in front of family members.

In any case, you are doing fine. You’ve done the hardest part; you’ve got an idea. Now comes the next step- develop it. So great job! So few people remember that everyone starts somewhere…

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