I'm not seducing you but...

So dear,
Come sit with me,
Let’s talk.
How about we converse in body language,
The Esperanto of sexuality.

Show me those hips, hun,
Show me how you move them,
So I can maneuver you,
Into the stars.

I’ll be your commet,
Just ride me, and enjoy the scenery,
Gimme some gasps of joy when you see my painted sunset,
For I am god of the night.

If you want to come down,
You’ll have to wait a while,
Because big things come in long periods of time,
Like the strides of the sun,
That creep upon the earth.

(like a cat burglar,
So silent yet strong,
Tip-toeing its way to its prize
Just for the best of his own being)

Darling, I’m not seducing you,
It’s just the well being of us all.
For I am the all knowing, omni-present god
That lives through now and the future.

I can see us dancing upon the stars,
Pimping the sky with commets and rays.
C’mon girl, with your eyes, and my power,
We can create the best universe of our existence.

Where the elements can shake hands,
And we can all live together,
For our love making will never end,
And will be the muse of existence.


_____

I just wrote this right now, while on monster and Smirnoff. It's not my best. I put it on here because it needs serious structure and help. Please give advice on how to fix it, Don't just say it's bad, because I know it is.

Hi. First off, I'd think about maybe rating this for content.

I think the beginning is a little slow. Maybe cut the "so", and chaneg "dear" to "darling" so that the rhythm isn't altered. Line four is really great, but I'd put "converse in body language" in its own line.

I think that "into the stars" is a little weak and cliche. Maybe try to say this in another way, something more powerful. I think it should be more hard-hitting at this point, as I think that "stars" is a little flimsy.

I'd change the next stanza to this;
"I'll be your commet.
Ride me, enjoy
the scenery,
and gasp when you see..."

I'm not sure about "painted sunset" and "god of the night." I'd play with them a little, either developing them, or using some other images.

This kind of starts to fall away towards the middle. I think that something like this should be more urgent. I'm tempted to suggest cutting the next four verses, and using the last two lines of stanza three to lead you into the last verse.

I like the idea of elements uniting, but maybe try something stronger than "shake hands" so that your theme is reflected. I'd change the middle two lines here as I think that they could be stronger. "Muse of existence" is great, but maybe I'd add an isolated line after this, or maybe a couplet, so that the ending carries more of an impact.

As you ackowledge yourself, this isn't done yet. Don't set too much store by what I say as it's hard to visualize what it will be like when it's done when it's still in the first-draft area. I'd play around with this a bit. Maybe quicken the rhythm towards the middle/end to convey urgency.

Hope this helps. Good luck with the next drafts.

Jas

Hi Trigger! I went ahead and put an R rating on this, just to play it safe. I'd have to double-check to see if it'd be okay as a PG-13, but I figured an R was good for the time being.

Having said that, I really like this. It's a cool poem. Certain parts I liked more than others, but in terms of general overall feel, I liked it a lot.

So dear,
Come sit with me,
Let’s talk.
How about we converse in body language,
The Esperanto of sexuality.

I like the casual opening, and the reference to Esperanto was cool. Obscure as heck, which is part of the appeal for me.

Show me those hips, hun,
Show me how you move them,
So I can maneuver you,
Into the stars.

I don't think you need the comma after "you." Also, I'm not sure if "hun" should be "hon" with an o or not, since either is slang. It probably works with a u for this piece since you use other slang throughout.

I’ll be your commet,
Just ride me, and enjoy the scenery,
Gimme some gasps of joy when you see my painted sunset,
For I am god of the night.

Haha, somebody's not having self-confidence issues, I see. Comet only has one m, though.

Darling, I’m not seducing you,
It’s just the well being of us all.
For I am the all knowing, omni-present god
That lives through now and the future.

I love the first line, but the explanation confused me a little. What's the well-being of us all?

I can see us dancing upon the stars,
Pimping the sky with commets and rays.
C’mon girl, with your eyes, and my power,
We can create the best universe of our existence.

Usually the word pimping makes me roll my eyes, but I actually liked it here.

Where the elements can shake hands,
And we can all live together,
For our love making will never end,
And will be the muse of existence.

I think love-making is supposed to have a dash, but you might want to double check that one. I agree with Jasmine about using something stronger than shaking hands. Kind of seems like the last stilted, polite gesture on the mind of the narrator. Even using embrace would be better, but I'm sure you can come up with a better word to keep from messing up the mood of the poem.

Nice work, overall. I think this is the first time I've finished reading a poem and thought, "Whoa, that was sexy." Cool.

You consistently spell "comets" wrong. Only one "m".

Um, I sort of like this. Maybe it lost its appeal, at least for me because I just watched a Shakira video. So after that, I was like, "This is sort of cheesy..."

Gimme some gasps of joy when you see my painted sunset,
For I am god of the night.

Major eye roll! Cheddar alert! Cheddar alert!

I can see us dancing upon the stars,
Pimping the sky with commets and rays.
C’mon girl, with your eyes, and my power,
We can create the best universe of our existence.

Where the elements can shake hands,
And we can all live together,
For our love making will never end,
And will be the muse of existence.

It sounds poetic the first reading, but then you look at the actual lyrics, read through it a bit until it sinks in, and I was like, "Ehhh..."

I liked the first verse, though. "Pimping" just sounded totally white, though. >.< But it was actually used non-wannabe gangster.

For I am the all knowing, omni-present god
That lives through now and the future.

How...egotistical. Is it just because he's been having sex consistently for a while now?

Altogether, I was a bit iffy on this. I mean, it's almost impossible to not be so cheesy and pompous when doing a love poem, but I felt like it went just a tad, not much, overboard.

Hmm...the tone of this piece definitely appeals to me. In many places it has a rhythm to it, and that's something you want in your poetry. It should feel natural and have a good beat like music, because it should appeal to the ear. Some parts, though...not so much. They feel "off" in a way. I'm sorry I'm not giving specific examples, but one thing that'll really help you identify rhythm issues is reading your piece aloud. If it sounds off, don't change your voice or read the sentence unnaturally to make it better. Change the words!

Also, the reference to Esperanto seems like it might be too obscure and just not necessary.

-Colleen

Hey, I actually quite like this.
Its a really gcod start, and its easy to read out loud (although, maybe the structure needs a little work) but I really like the topic and the imagery, so I guess what I'm trying to say is...well done!

Poetry is unlike stories and other forms of writing in the way it has a good amount of noticeable flow. Of course the guidelines on this are loose. So your poem has a great essence of topic. However in some parts it struck me as choppy. Especially the very first stanza, it had a slight rhyme scheme, but I didn't notice it immediately. a rearranging of words or structure would help here.
But it is a great first draft.

-Tom

[quote="triggerfingerxx"]So dear,
Come sit with me,
Let’s talk.
How about we converse in body language, I thonk these two lines right here is very sophisticated. I like them.
The Esperanto of sexuality.

Show me those hips, hun,
Show me how you move them,
So I can maneuver you,
Into the stars.

I’ll be your commet,
Just ride me, and enjoy the scenery,
Gimme some gasps of joy when you see my painted sunset,
For I am god of the night.

If you want to come down,
You’ll have to wait a while,
Because big things come in long periods of time,
Like the strides of the sun,
That creep upon the earth.

(like a cat burglar,
So silent yet strong,
Tip-toeing its way to its prize
Just for the best of his own being)

Darling, I’m not seducing you,
It’s just the well being of us all.
For I am the all knowing, omni-present god
That lives through now and the future.

I can see us dancing upon the stars,
Pimping the sky with commets and rays.
C’mon girl, with your eyes, and my power,
We can create the best universe of our existence.

Where the elements can shake hands,
And we can all live together,
For our love making will never end,
And will be the muse of existence.


This poem is very well written. All you need now is to have grammar fixed and you will be set to go. Good Luck Gothgirl01







_____

I just wrote this right now, while on monster and Smirnoff. It's not my best. I put it on here because it needs serious structure and help. Please give advice on how to fix it, Don't just say it's bad, because I know it is.[/quote]

well, it's very unique and sensual in lieu of just sexual which i think is great, and very alluring.

you should work on the rhythm and eliminate adlibs such as "hun" and "dear"

"Pimping the sky with commets and rays.
C’mon girl, with your eyes, and my power,
We can create the best universe of our existence. "

you should work on this stanza, the imformal grammar takes away from the overall effect i thought you were trying to create.

othER than that i thought it was an excellent poem.

Hey!!
I thought this was a pretty good poem. I'm not a potery person, so I can't really say much. Lol, well keep up the great work!
I really enjoyed it!!
Kelsi =)

It's abstract but in a way graphic.

I could definitely see the pictures in my mind,

But it's nice, 'coz you express your feelings through this.