All for me

I hate you more than yellow,
I hate you more than pink,
I hate you more than death,
Without you I don’t know where’d I be,
I realize everything you do is for me.
I hate you more than puppies,
I hate you more than kittens,
I hate you more than life,
Everything you’ve done,
Wasn’t exactly fun,
But it was for me.
I want to tell you what you said too,
What were those words again?
Oh yes, I love you.
Go ahead and leave me,
I can live without,
Oh, how I wish you could see,
My feelings are a mix without a doubt.
I want you to say something to me too,
And those words are:
I love you.

Hey, I'm new here so I thought I'd check out everyone's poems.
I really like this, it seems as if you loaded alot of heart and emotion into the verses, making it seem very real. However i have to admit it did confuse me a bit at the start, as you move from Love and Hate regularly.
But otherwise, great!
More please!

Hi Fire--

Well, this is...okay. There is something about it that is bothering me but I can't put my finger on it.

I think the "I hate" lines weren't tied in enough to make them work. I get what you are saying about the puppies and kittens but I would choose something different for one of them, something unrelated to small furry animals. Same with the colors above it...assuming you have to use colors. How do we know yu don't really hate pink and yellow? If you could find something else to replace them all together it would be great. Life is an awkward choice too because may angst-filled teenagers really do hate life. Death just doesn't fit into the scheme.

There are very few rhymes, but when there are rhymes they are forced and have no reason to them. I'd just ditch the rhymes and go with what you think should be there without rhyming it.

Other than that it was kind of flighty and disconnected. Try reading it aloud or having one of your friends read it without help from you (one that will tell you the truth, preferrably ) and then try a rewrite.

Good luck and Happy Editing!

FireArris wrote:I hate you more than yellow,
I hate you more than pink,
I hate you more than death,
Without you I don’t know where’d I be,
I realize everything you do is for me.
I hate you more than puppies,
I hate you more than kittens,
I hate you more than life,
Everything you’ve done,
Wasn’t exactly fun,
But it was for me.
I want to tell you what you said too,
What were those words again?
Oh yes, I love you.
Go ahead and leave me,
I can live without,
Oh, how I wish you could see,
My feelings are a mix without a doubt.
I want you to say something to me too,
And those words are:
I love you.

I love the confusing mix of emotions this poem creates. It's torn between love and hate and it works really well. I love the first lines, the rhythm reads so well.
But I think the lines 'I hate you more than death' and 'I hate you more than life' take it too far... I would swap them for something more trivial and maybe move lines 3 and 4 further towards the end?

I love the contrasting emotions here! This can be really hard to execute properly and you did a fine job of it, in my opinion. I agree with everyone when they say to take out the bits on life and death though. They don't really fit in with everything else. I like the last two lines, too. They seem to tie everything in pretty nicely. Overall, its a pretty good poem. Nice job!

I thought I had already critiqued this...hmm. Anyway, the concept is good, and relatable, but not very well-written. The repetition of I hate...was too much. And yellow was very random. In some places the rhyming seemed forced, and I think those are the main things holding the poem back. Think about what you want to say, and find different ways in which to say it. Good luck!

Kind of reminds me of "10 Things I Hate About You", when she's actually reading the poem.

Your rhyming really doesn't have a pattern. Some lines rhyme, while others don't. My suggestion is: establish a definite pattern, or do away with the rhyming all together.

I liked how you started off with the colors. Especially coming from a girl, it's interesting how she hates feminine colors so much. I'm not a big fan of pink myself, so I felt I could relate.

Oh, how I wish you could see,
My feelings are a mix without a doubt.

There, I feel like your syllables don't... match? I don't know how to say it. I'm sure Shakespeare would have known. He was a whiz with syllables. It just sounds odd to me.

At times, I can't figure out if she loves him or not. I understand, at the end, that she does. But I'm not sure your going-back-and-forth is intentional. Even if it is, you can definitely clean up the poem and your ideas to make more sense.

The concept itself is good. I feel like, if executed properly, this poem could be a real hit. ^_^

This was a great poem! I especially liked the part about you hatred being more than that of kittens. ^-^

Good poem, I liked the emotions displayed, but it was a little awkwardly written. Could have been a little smoother. But other than that, good poem!

Hmmmmm....*blinks* I'm confused. Why do you hate this person if:
"I realize everything you do is for me." and:

"But it was for me." and:

"I want to tell you what you said too,
What were those words again?
Oh yes, I love you."

??????????????

I also agree that it is awkward to use colors and animals to express hatred. This is because not everyone hates yellow, pink, kittens and puppies. So, it is hard to relate and connect with the poem.

I DO think, though, that with a little work and alteration, this could be really good.

I think this is a great, emotion filled poem!!!

You have mixed the repetition up and this makes it flow better.

Love this, well done.
Doffa...

Uhm... interesting? Lol. Some interesting comparisons you make here -- the yellow and pink and puppies and stuff. You hate puppies? Really? Lol. Interesting. I'm not sure they fit with the theme of the poem.

Again with the commas at the end of almost every line! Lol, it's not necessary, darling. Oh, the few things I've picked up from The Canterbury Tales. xD

I personally feel the meaning of your poem is hidden beneath the "I hate you" lines. Less of them would probably help. But... I'm not sure how. xD

Thanks again for letting me try my hand at poetry. ^_^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate