Dear Joy,

So, take me to that place
Where the grass is green as youth
And the rhythm of a seashell, is perfect as a breath
Where the river sings as freely, as blood pumped with every heartbeat
And you melt in perfect laughter, at the beauty of its voice.

Well, this is really too short to give a good review on, but I will comment. I liked it, it has a good feel and descriptions. One thing that you can do is get rid of the comma after the first "so". Oh, and also put a period after "breath". And maybe you should add "Dear joy," into the poem?? That makes it less confusing, and I think that it would work really well. Your rhythm was fine--I didn't notice anything wrong there. And your wording works great.

It's a nice little poem with a good feel to it.

Keep writing!

Teh Wozzinator

Thanks for your comment! Good suggestions.

This is short, but it's okay too. I'll see what I can suggest here...

I think what is going on is instead of going to the next line you are using a comma instead...and that's just awkward. Consider this revision:

[s]So, [/s]Take me to that place
Where the grass is green as youth,
And the rhythm of a seashell
is perfect as a breath,
Where the river sings as freely
as blood pumped with every heartbeat,
And you melt in perfect laughter
at the beauty of its voice.

It definitely gives it a better flow. Commas mean pauses, and pauses in those areas were awkward.

It's pretty good imagery-wise. You definitely have the similies down. But there is no meat to this poem. It's just similies of a place. Who is taking you to this place? Why are you going there? What are you trying to escape? Without these things it's simply a description of a place no one knows where is...you know?

Good luck and Happy Editing!

Well to me I think its to short. But that is my opinion you can make it the size you want it to be. No offense I didn't really like it and I don't know how the title goes with this I don't what it is but.... Hope to see more your stuff

good luck Gothgirl01

I like it. It's short and sweet, yet gets your idea across.

I like the atmosphere this poem creates. It's succinct but sweet, and abstract, so readers can interpret it a thousand ways. I do question one line in particular...something about a river...blood...heartbeat...that is rather confusing, since rivers don't actually pulse. But it could work, I suppose...?

Otherwise, I like the style of this poem

Ooh, lovely! I like how you start with "so." It's an interesting technique, beginning in the middle instead of the beginning. I think it's very clever how you rhymed "youth" with "breath." Imperfect rhyme is so genius. The rhythm of a seashell...gorgeous! I have no problems with this. Simply beautiful.