Totems 3

This one is a little shorter than the last. Please note that it is not necessary to read the first two before this, but I would apprecite it.

So: I give you totems 3!!!!!!!!!!

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Totems 3, Red fox


The ancient and rotting wood creaks as I sit down, sketchbook in hand. All is silent and cool in the little clearing, save for the small sounds of birds and insects. I run my hand over the mossy boards, absorbing the damp yet comforting feeling. The picnic table has already all but melted away into the forest, its top slanted and its supports rotted away. I still like to come out and draw and listen, trying to absorb the aura of peacefulness. Today as I begin to sketch, I do not have a specific subject in mind. Instead, I let the pencil flow over the rough paper, feeling a form start to take shape. Bright eyes, large ears, elegant nose… The animal has a strange wild beauty in its form, which I observe even as I create it.


After several minutes of silent drawing which only the incessant twittering of birds interrupts, I am done with the sketch. But not quite, for I feel it needs color. I reach into my pack for a box of colored pencils, staring down at my fresh piece of artwork. I start with the surrounding landscape, selecting several shades of green and brown. Finishing that, it is time for the animal. Looking down into the box again, I search for the right color. But it is not in the container. The dusty colors resting in the carboard do not come near to matching what I want. Glancing up at the sun, which is shining through the small patches of clear space between the branches, I decide I had better leave. I begin to pack up my supplies, wishing I had more time.


The table nearly flips over when I stand up, emitting loud creaks and groans and disturbing the silence of the clearing. The birds instantly are silent, surprised off their perches by the horrible noise. Through the sudden quiet, I am able to hear a soft step behind me. Whirling around, I see nothing. A large huckleberry bush is rustling, but almost as soon as I look, it stops moving. Taking a few hesitant steps forward, I brush a long blond bang out of my face. Suddenly, there it is. A tiny red fox. It steps forward out of the undergrowth, giving me a wonderful opportunity to admire it. A perfectly angled small white and red face, twitching whiskers, bright mahogany red body and delicate black paws.



Looking down at my half-finished drawing, I grin. The color I had imagined was replicated perfectly in its furry coat, and in fact the fox looked almost exactly like my drawing, all the way down to the way it was sitting, watching me. I was so close I could see it’s whiskers twitching, and see its silky sides move up and down with breath, and see one perfect and dainty little paw raised tentatively, as if it wanted to take a step towards me.


A wave of sudden dizziness washes over me, and suddenly I find myself on my knees, world spinning. My eyes had switched focus for one second, making it seem like I had been looking through the fox’s eyes. I felt almost sick, but looking at the fox's startingly green eyes, the feeling was mixed with an odd kind of elation. Afraid to move, I stare straight into its bright eyes. Again, my eyes make the dizzying switch, and I can see myself, kneeling in the bracken, swaying. The world looks different from it's eyes. I land on my back, unable to keep my balance even on my knees. Wet moss tickles the back of my neck and a damp smell fills my nose. I can no longer see the fox with my own eyes, but somehow I can sense it watching me. When I sit up again, it is still standing half in and half out of the bracken, watching me curiously. I make a mental note to change the color of my drawing's eyes to the right shade of green.


A sharp sound jolts me back to my own consciousness. A footstep in the woods to my left has ended the perfect moment, accompanied by a shouting of my name. Just like that, the fox turns and runs into the woods. The last thing I see is the tip of a white-tipped, bottle-brush tail.

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Erm...... Don't think I like this one as much as the first either. You might notice that the old man does not make an appearance in this one. She'll meet him later. So..... This is the third kid of four. After I finish the fourth one, I think I'll just continue the individual stories.

Thanks for any reviews and/or commets!!!!!!!!!!

>>> Critique Three of Five >>>

Totems 3 is already up? Awesome!

Well, nit-picks first, as always:

The ancient and rotting wood creaks as I sit down, sketch book in hand.

'ancient and rotting' sounds a little awkward, especially for an opening sentence. Maybe say 'ancient, rotting wood' or you could just say one of the two.

All in silent and cool in the little clearing, save for the small sounds of birds and insects.

'All in silent'? Typo?

I run my hand over the mossy boards, Absorbing the pleasant feeling.

This is really nit-picky, but the A in 'absorbing' doesn't need to be capitalized.

I reach into my pack for a box of colored pencils, Staring down at my fresh piece of artwork.

The S in 'staring' doesn't need to be capitalized either.

But it is not in the box. The dusty colors in the box did not come near to matching what I wanted.

I don't like the way you used the word 'box' twice...

A perfectly angled small face, bright red body and black paws.

I think you could be a little more poetic with this sentence. Maybe try something like this: A small, perfectly angled face, sleek scarlet body and ink-tipped paws.

A wave of sudden dizziness washes over me, and suddenly I find myself on my knees, world spinning My eyes had switched focus for one second, making it seem like I had been looking through the fox’s eyes.

This bit feels like it's missing something ... it isn't rushed, but I dunno ...
I think you should take the time to describe this a little more; show us how the world looked through the fox's eyes or something...


- Nitpicks over -


Nice!
I like this better than Totems 2, but still not as much as #1. The first piece had a very wholesome, developed feel to it, whereas this one feels like it's missing something... but I can't seem to put my finger on it. -_-

Whether it's missing something or not, I still like this. With your permission, I'd like to print out the 3 Totems pieces and put them on my bulletin board, because they're very comforting to read. I mean, if that's okay with you.

I think this is kind of a rough-draft; it's still in the experimental stages. Play with it, and it'll be spectacular. I love the ideas you've presented here, but I feel like it could be improved with some more imagery, particularly in describing the forest around her.

Anyways. I was surprised that the little old man didn't make an appearance here, but I kind of like it the way it is: just her and the fox.

Overall, this is good. It is kind of thin at the moment, if you know what I mean, but that can be fixed. I like the earthy setting here, and I love foxes, so... yeah! Foxes rule.

Happy Editing, and if you do a revision thingamabob, let me know!

Cheers,
Camille

Thanks Camille! I have edited most of the things you mentioned.

Whether it's missing something or not, I still like this. With your permission, I'd like to print out the 3 Totems pieces and put them on my bulletin board, because they're very comforting to read. I mean, if that's okay with you.

Awwwww....

I think this is kind of a rough-draft; it's still in the experimental stages. Play with it, and it'll be spectacular. I love the ideas you've presented here, but I feel like it could be improved with some more imagery, particularly in describing the forest around her.

You're right. I'm working on revising the whole thing (Including parts one and two) now.

Overall, this is good. It is kind of thin at the moment, if you know what I mean, but that can be fixed. I like the earthy setting here, and I love foxes, so... yeah! Foxes rule.

Again, I agree. I bet you can't guess what the last one will be.


So..... Thanks for the review!!!!!!!!!! It was very helpful.

See ya!

Is the next one about a cat? *hopeful* I love cats.

Anyway, I noticed that when the MC was seeing through the fox's eyes you switched from present to past tense. Hope that helps.

Yes.... It does. I don't know how this keeps happening. Thanks!

Now that you've edited it, I've found a couple more things to nit-pick:

A perfectly angled small white and black face, bright mahogany red body and delicate black paws.

That seems a bit wordy, but if you phrase if differently, I think you can get away with it. Maybe try something like this: A small, perfectly angled black and white face, mahogany red body and delicate ebony paws. I said 'ebony paws' instead of 'black paws' because it's not good to repeat the same adjective twice in a sentence, right?

A wave of sudden dizziness washes over me, and suddenly I find myself on my knees, world spinning.

This is in the present tense, whereas the rest of the story isn't. It should be: A wave of sudden dizziness washed over me, and I found myself on my knees, world spinning. I didn't say 'and suddenly I find myself on my knees' because you've already said 'sudden'.

Afraid to move, I stare straight into its bright eyes. Again, my eyes make a dizzying switch, and I can see myself, kneeling in the bracken. The world looks different from it's eyes. A sharp sound jolts me back to my own consciousness.

This bit should be: Afraid to move, I stared straight into it's bright eyes. Again, my eyes made a dizzying switch, and I could see myself, kneeling in the bracken. The world looked different form it's eyes. A sharp sound jolted me back to my own consciousness.
... and I have more nit-picks for this section! In the first three sentences that I've quoted, you say 'eyes' three times, which probably isn't good. But I've found a way to fix that, I hope:
Instead of saying 'The world looks different from it's eyes', you could show us that. Mention how you were suddenly colorblind (are foxes colorblind?) and how the trees are suddenly massive. Or something like that. =p

Just like that, the fox turns and runs into the woods. The last thing I see is the tip of a white-tipped, bottle-brush tail.

You switch tenses here too.


Anyways, I didn't notice anything else. As you already know my general opinions on the piece, I will bring this critique to a close!

Hope this helps a bit,
Camille

*ehem* you were supposed to TELL me when you posted more!! Anyway...

This is pretty good.

I like the feel of this better than #2, but I'm not sure the writing's better. I think (because there isn't much action in this piece) you should focus more on elaborate descriptions of the forest. You have some pretty good ones in there, but I know you can make them better. Also, I kind of think it would be better if we DID meet the old man again in this one, but that's just my opinion of course, and it's good as it is--just not as great as I know it can be from #1.

I like how the fox is obviously somewhere on her mind because she starts sketching it without hesitation or thought, and I love the description of the fox.

Ayra wrote:The first piece had a very wholesome, developed feel to it, whereas this one feels like it's missing something... but I can't seem to put my finger on it. -_-

Ditto. I think it might be the description? Try adding in more senses other than just sight, maybe? You have a little, but I just didn't feel completely immersed. Maybe because she's an artist she should focus a lot on color, too...

I run my hand over the mossy boards, absorbing the pleasant feeling. The picnic table has already all but melted away into the forest, its top slanted and its supports rotted away.

First sentence--Nitpick: "pleasant" is a very weak word. Try "familiar" or "ancient" or "soothing" or whatever, but I feel like saying "pleasant" is a little like saying "I want to use a positive adjective, but can't think of one." ^_^
Second sentence--I loved this description here! Reminds me of an old picnic table we've got in the backyard (or we did last time I checked...).

Bright eyes, large ears, elegant nose…… The animal has a strange wild beauty in its form, which I observe even as I create it.

Two things:
1) There should only be three dots. ^_^
2) This is completely a matter of opinion, but while I'm at it I thought I'd say that I think it would be better if you said "The fox has a strange..." I think the flow would be really nice. But either way, I love this description!

Looking into the box again, I search for the right color. But it is not in the box. The dusty colors in the carboard container do not come near to matching what I want.

You're still repeating "box" Maybe you should say "But it is not there." Also, "carboard" should be "cardboard"... spell check.

I am able to hear a soft step behind me.

This is kind of awkward. Maybe something like "through the silence, I am able to hear a soft step behind me."

A large huckleberry bush is rustling, but almost as soon as I look, It stops moving.

The "i" in "It" shouldn't be capitalized. ^_^

It steps forward out of the undergrowth, giving me a wonderful opportunity to admire it.

"wonderful" is another weak word... you can do better.

The color I had imagined was replicated perfectly in its furry coat, and in fact the fox looked almost exactly like my drawing, all the way down to the way it was sitting, watching me. I was so close I could see it’s whiskers twitching, and see its silky sides move up and down with breath, and see one perfect and dainty little paw raised tentatively, as if it wanted to take a step towards me.

Overall: why is this in past?
Second sentence: I feel like this sentence was a little too long... the two "and see"s are what's making the problem, I think.

My eyes had switched focus for one second, making it seem like I had been looking through the fox’s eyes. I felt almost sick, but looking at the fox, the feeling was mixed with an odd kind of elation.

This is past... I know it's supposed to be, but saying "had [dons something]" makes it sound like talking about the past IN the past tense, you know what I mean?

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Other than that, I like the feeling of this, but I think you can develop the character a little more--maybe that's what made the first one so spectacular...

Anyway, it's like midnight, so I better log off.

God luck, and i hope this helps somewhat. :roll"
~Azila~

Thanks. What you've said is very helpful, and I'll get around to editing it as soon as possible.