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Hey there, darkdove

Emaline Walker awoke late at night from an uncomfortable sleep,she twisted in her bed and finally got up and paced around her room.

The part where I highlighted in italics is a contradiction... If Emaline was having an uncomfortable sleep, then how did Emaline managed to get any sleep at all? Can you be more specific? I'm rather confused with the matter.

The comma should be a full stop as it is grammatically incorrect in the way you've used it. You NEVER use two "and"'s in a sentence, as it reads like a run on sentence and rather clunky. Omit "finally", as it is irrelevant.

She then left and walked downstairs,the sounds of her feet hitting the wooden stairs were dampened by:

Dampened by what? And what's with the colon in front of "by"? Do you even know how to use a colon?

"Its too late John I gave you as much time as I possibly could give, you need to work on time management." a tall black man said, he looked up and noticed his daughter standing on the stairs.

Comma in front of "John". Full stop instead of a comma in front of "give". The "y" in "you" should then be capitalized. I also disliked the dialogue, especially the "time management" bit. Can you honestly say that someone in real life speaks that like that? It isn't really realistic...

Comma instead of a full stop in front of the word "management". "said" should be behind "a". The comma in front of "said" should be a full stop.

"Pudding Cake--sweetheart--what are you doing out of bed?" he said with his voice changing from firm and cruel to light and happy.

Why the sudden change in the tone of his voice? What reasons are there to make this part convincing and realistic for the reader?

"I couldn't sleep daddy."little Emaline said rubbing her eye.Her father laughed and picked her up and walked over to the cowering man.
"You wanna see how daddy pays bills?" he said, Emaline smiled and said "Yes." excitedly.
Once again his voice changed back to firm and cruel "Do it. Its not personal John its business." the men gathered around the man named John holding pipes and bats and some even guns. They beat him, his cries carried through the house. Emaline laid her head on her father's big broad shoulder the sound of the pipe bashing him soothed her.

I advise you to go over your punctuation errors. I'm not going to fix them this time, as I'm not your editor/proofreader.

The dialogue is rather random and vague. Why would her father say something like "You wanna see how daddy pays bills?" There needs to be more development and explanation leading up to such dialogue. Also, why is Emaline excited about watching her father pay bills? What reasons are there? Again, you have NONE!

The phase "Once again his voice changed back to firm and cruel" is just pointless, long winded, cause of repetition and irrelevant.

"Wait Daddy, I wanna play with Uncle Paulie." Emaline said, her father put her down and handed her a knife.
"Don't let your mother know I handed you a knife before you were nine." he said,Emaline walked up to the blood drenched man.

And WHY did Emaline wanted to play with Uncle Paulie? This is not shown...

The dialogue with the father is an epic fail...Even if Emaline is nine, a knife still has potential to cause harm in her possession (or in anyone's hands for the matter) But with the dialogue, it doesn't seem to be the case...
So, when Emaline turns nine, she instantly has the right of wielding a knife despite the potential to cause harm (not to mention she is only NINE and is still only a child and naive when it comes to the management of a knife and her own safety.

Ok, lets say I let that go. Why nine years of age? Why not ten? Why not seven? What reasons are there for her to be able to wield a knife at the age of nine? In what way does Emaline's parents limit or restrict her from using a knife?

Overall impressions:

After reading this, I feel like slicing my punching bag in half by throwing my Final Fantasy XII disc destruto disk style, just like in Dragon Ball Z. ( I don't even need to be a Final Fantasy character and be level 99 with max stats + imba equips ).

1. There is no character development whatsoever. Firstly, your character's motivations are thin to non existent. For example: What reasons is there for the child to walk downstairs? What reasons is there for the father to be killing someone he knows? There needs to be more elaboration and explanation on this, it isn't really well fleshed out.

Secondly, your characters have no personality. "They did this", "They did that," etc, but the actions fail to be incoporated with the characters themselves. You can replace the characters with robots and it won't affect the piece much. You can pretty much say that the characters are downright bland, and aren't well placed in the story.

2. Lack of descriptions and imagery causes the story to fail in establishing a mood or a feel of suspense in the story. You tried to show, but there isn't much of it for the reader to picture and feel immersed with what was happening. They were just randomly placed into the story without much thought or consideration (e.g: the sound made at the stairs- It just didn't fit well with the story, lacks impact and didn't carried through well). This lack of descriptions and imagery had major consequences during the murder scene. It wasn't really gruesome and mind numbing...Considering that scene was what would have the most potential in hooking your reader, I was rather disappointed.

3. Please be aware of your punctuation and grammar errors. It just makes it much easier to read and it actually shows that you care about your piece. Why should I critique something that you failed to proof read to make it more coherent for the reader? If you don't know about your grammar much, I suggest you go revise or brush up on it.

4.Be aware of your pacing. Your story moved very quickly that the story just rushes past, preventing the reader to absorb and feel a connection with what is happening. Slow things down, explain things more.

5. Dialogue is rather unrealistic. When you are using dialogue, please consider if someone would talk like that in real life.

Well that's all I have to say. I apologize if I was harsh, but this piece was just bad, and I believe that I'm doing the right thing in being honest, rather than being mislead by another member of YWS.

You have an interesting plot idea, but the execution of the ideas is what will make it harder for the reader to digest.

Andy.

dude! that was so messed up i started laughing hysterically. I'm not saying it was bad I'm just saying, it was so insane i didn't know what else to do

This piece suffers from a lack of narrative data and too many taglines - she said this, he shouted that etc. These only add dead weight and dulls the flow of your writing.

You need, as other reviewers have said, to focus on your character development and motivations. Some of the dialogue seems clunky - rewrite this and don't include things that are irrelevant to the story. Only show what needs to be shown.

I went through and edited for punctuation, etc. for you so you can see where you erred. You really seem to like your comma key, but you don't really use it in the right places.

"Hello," he said.
"Hello," Peter said.
"What are you doing here?" she screamed.

- when writing dialogue with a tag (he said/she screamed/ etc,) you always put a comma at the end of the sentence, unless it is a question, in which case you can put the question mark at the end. Then the first letter of the pronoun (he,she,it) is not capitalized. If it is a proper noun (White House, Peter) then it remains capitalized, but the comma remains.

I have to second what Squallz said above me. This really didn't grab my attention beyond the fact that it involved a little girl killing someone. It was shocking, but not attention-holding.

You have potential. Keep writing by all means and listen to the critiques that other writers give you. They are only trying to help.

~GryphonFledgling

thanx everyone for your comments on this piece.

That would be a good start to a novel, it was funny how she started to kill that guy without knowing it was wrong.

The lack of narrative however makes the story seem somehow... sick and twisted.

I bigger detail on where this guy was, what the girl ws thinking etc.

I don't know if you have some sort of obsession iwth death... ur sig really wierd lol

It's an intresting piece... but it's confusing because of the spacing. If you could add a space between your paragraphs it would be alot easier to read.

Personally, I think it was a good story starter, but it's rather... lacking in detail. I would have loved to understand more about her and her father.

Hi friend! Liked the story. See you 4th period!

the story has been rewrittened completely...seriously so not the same story.

Hey!! I thought this was really good!!
I hate to admitt it, but I love stories when students get with the hot teachers!! Lol
Well a really great start to what sounds like a great book!!!
Kelsi =)