A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and gets drunk. The giraffe falls over and the man gets up to leave. The bar tender says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' [lion] here." The man says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Hahah I love 28 days later. Although that joke doesn't work as well when typed out.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
A man goes to his doctor and cries, "Doctor, Doctor! I think my nose is turning into a strawberry!" The doctor says, "You're right sir. Your nose is turning into a strawberry. But don't worry, I've got some cream for that."
A man walked into a bar. Ouch.
What's the difference between a yak and a bison? You can't wash your hands in a yak.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir
George Bush is in his office with his advisors and gets a call saying that three Brazilans were killed in Iraq. His face goes all pale and he starts freaking out. His advisors are like, what's up? He gets off the phone and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
I remember this joke, and searched it on the internet. No offence meant to anyone.
George W. was visiting a Florida elementary school while a fifth grade class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Bush if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy."
Mr.Bush asks the class for "an example of a tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says George W. "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained George W. "that's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Mr.Bush searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raises his hand, in a quiet voice he says, "If you and your lawyers, Mr.Bush were to be eaten by a pack of hungry 20 foot alligators, that would certainly be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims George W., "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
This one's long, but it is so funny, I have to go find it on the Internet.
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...
best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis
of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries
That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Presentation2.ppt
