cold black heart

MY LIFE POEM

who am i WHO ARE U

Im A NOBODY IN A SOMEBODY TOWN

WHO ARE U WHO AM I

A small speck in a billion dots

are you a dot are u a spot

a spot is a somebody

im a dot which is a speck in a million spots

who are u who am i

who am i is a good question

nobody knows who i am

i keep it as my deepest darkest secret

it is hidden deep down in my hart

it lies at the bottom of an old black treasure chest

who are u who am i

do u know who i am do you

dose that make me a somebody

or am i still a nobody

i guess no one will ever know

that dark SECRET IN MY black heart!

What... is this? I'll start off with a simple correction of your whole piece:

Who am I? Who are you?

I'm a nobody in a "Somebody" town.

Who are you? Who am I? [Note: Never, ever, EVER use just plain old "u".]

A small speck in a billion dots;

are you a dot? Are you a spot? [Note 1: Why would you use "you" the first time and not the second? Laziness perhaps?
Note 2: I don't understand the second question.]

A spot is a "somebody". [Note: Technically a "someTHING".]

I'm a dot, which is a speck in a million spots.

Who are you? Who am I? [Note: Capitalize "I".]

"Who am I?" is a good question;

nobody knows who I am.

I keep it as my deepest, darkest secret.

It is hidden deep down in my hart.

It lies at the bottom of an old black treasure chest.

Who are you? Who am I?

Do you know who I am? Do you?

Does that make me a somebody?

Or am I still a nobody?

I guess no one will ever know

that dark secret in my black heart!

I, personally, did not like this at all. There is no emotion to make me, as a reader, care. Did you have your audience in mind when writing this? It seems like this was mostly written for yourself. I'm sure it could be a lot better had you given us something to latch onto, but that hook was not there. You need to work on your showing/expressing, rather than telling/preaching.

Also, there were some punctuation (which I don't even think I got right) and grammar things you needed to fix. Things such as "u" and adding random caps in your poem does not do it justice. Sorry if I am being harsh, but it's better than suguar coating.

If you have any questions, feel free to send a PM my way anytime. Best wishes with your writing!

~*Syd*~

It is hidden deep down in my heart.

I must agree with Syd. Because of the random caps and the punctuation, this makes it sound like 'poor me' writing.

Your message in unclear. For example:

nobody knows who i am

i keep it as my deepest darkest secret

THIS^^^^^^^^^^ makes your entire poem pointless. Who am I, do you know who I am, does this make me someone... what's the point of all these question if she already knows?

As Syd said [that sounded weird XP] there is nothing particularly striking about this piece. We've heard this kind of thing countless times. What makes yours special? What makes your situation different?
The caps, as previously stated, do nothing for your poem. You can express yourself much better than this. Give your feelings some dignity.

If you need anything, PM me.

*Seraph*

valarie13 wrote:My life poem

Who am I? Who are you?

I'm a nobody in a somebody town

Who are you? Who am I?

A small speck in a billion dots

Are you a dot? Are you a spot?

A spot is a somebody

I'm a dot, which is a speck in a million spots **Confusing**

Who are you? Who am I?

Who am I is a good question

Nobody knows who I am

I keep it as my deepest, darkest secret

It is hidden deep down in my heart

It lies at the bottom of an old black treasure chest

Who are you? Who am I?

Do you know who I am, do you…?

Does that make me a somebody?

Or am I still a nobody?

I guess no one will ever know

That dark secret in my black heart!

Okay, I'm going to do the best I can with this. First, I believe this is posted in the wrong poetic category. It's certainly not dramatic poetry...perhaps other?

Now, I was assuming that "my life poem" was not the title. If it was, it needed to have a space separating it from the poem, showing that it was the title.

Next, you had far too many caps. Caps are painful on the eyes. If you want to put emphasis on a specific word, italicize it -- but you can't italicize half of the poem, it would kill the effect of italicizing.

Because this is a writing website, we prefer that you refrain from "chatspeak". Chatspeak consists of using the letter "u" instead of typing out "you", and such. That should not be done in a piece of writing anyway, unless you're trying to get a point across.

Also, I added some puncuation to help the, not to be rude, nonexistant flow. Honestly, this had no poetic quality to it. It didn't seem to be heart felt, nor did it seem to have emotion at all. It had no rhythm, or rhyming scheme, or anything like that.

If you need anything, or have any questions, feel free to PM me!

MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~

Okay. This poem made me want to commit self-flagellation, simply because if I flog my back until it's a bloody pulp, then maybe the physical side of me will match the mental horror of seeing chat speak used in poetry.

If you want to make any impression on the reader, learn to spell.