DoaV (1st version) : Chapter One

Thanks guys! I know it's very choppy, I promise at some point I will fix that--just like all the other things I keep saying I will fix. I should probably start taking note of these things, since I feel like I just want to keep going until I finish and then go back and fix stuff after I have it done.

Which, considering my tendency to get bored with things, might be a horrible idea. >_> Hmmmm.

Okay!

Question: Would you guys suggest (prefer) for me to go back and fix up/improve chapters as soon as I finish them and get feedback? This means you'd read the chapter, comment, and then not so soon after be asked to read it again. Or does it seem more appealing to see the story move forward, then come back to the beginning? This means the story would move forward, and I'd come back and make improvements as I found the time/will/run into blocks/when I'm done the 'ploty' version. (Yes, ploty is an adjective becuse I say so.)

sorry I haven't been able to reply often (I only have 5 minutes so I have to make it quick). I don't think this chapter is too choppy. I actually really like this chapter, especially that part 'If they thought they were going to catch b ear then they were sadly mistaken.' nice touch there, i like it. I would also like to see yazra at work, just thought that would be cool. I liked the plot for this chapter.

My 5 minutes are up (they were up 4 minutes ago,)

I will try to comment on chapter 2 (since its already posted) when I have time.
Until then,

-mv.

Question: Would you guys suggest (prefer) for me to go back and fix up/improve chapters as soon as I finish them and get feedback? This means you'd read the chapter, comment, and then not so soon after be asked to read it again. Or does it seem more appealing to see the story move forward, then come back to the beginning? This means the story would move forward, and I'd come back and make improvements as I found the time/will/run into blocks/when I'm done the 'ploty' version. (Yes, ploty is an adjective becuse I say so.)

I didn't notice your question here. I think it would be easier for you to go back and fix those typos in what we've reviewed, at least. Then continue writing/posting for more critiques. It would just make it easier on you to make those spelling/grammar changes now than to wait until the end.

I know, for myself anyway, I get sick of editing after so long. I usually take care of the spelling/grammar first, since that's the easy part for me to do. Then, if I have the endurance left, I'll go back and fix my plot, description, character development, etc.

You replace the original version with the edited version in the same forum. That way, you won't swamp the forums with your lovely story. It'll just help you understand your story better by editing the reviewed parts before continuing on, I think.

Anyway, it's up to you. I just edit what I have as soon as I get a critique before I continue onward. I can't wait for the next part!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey, I am done Yay!
I hope my crit is helpful XD

Mommy,” the child whimpered, knowing his mother was dead. The black demon had cut into his mother with his knife-like claws and she’d fallen to the ground, crimson life spilling unto the paved street. The demon was still here now, hunting through the streets and ripping into houses in his search for more victims.

This bit is screaming for some description. Like what time of the day/night it is, what the child looks like, what the mother looks like other than the blood and that she is dead. Paint us the image of the dead bodies, the ripped down houses etc.
Also are there any bear prints or noises near by? Make it real

The boy sobbed,

I think you could put a little more into this and make it a full sentence. You know what I mean? You don't just cry and walk away. You slump towards the ground and bury your face in your hands and sob. Not just sob. Ya know?

It was a clear night and the moon was full, casting a dim white light over the city, revealing the horror for the child to see.

I like the description here. Only if you could keep it up for the whole time! *snarls* XD

It seemed there wasn’t a single building that wasn’t scored by the demons claws; there wasn’t a door that had withstood his charge.

I am loving the wording here. I can almost feel it! Keep doing this

The boy heard a scream, followed by a series of crashes. The demon was on the move! Terror took the place of chocking sadness and he was running wildly, trying to find his way through the transformed streets and to the guardhouse. Surely he could hide there. But his small legs could only carry him so fast and his small lungs only take in so much air. He soon lost strength and was blinded by tears of fright, falling over a dark shape he didn’t want to admit was there.

You mentioned he had small lungs and small legs. You should maybe use a synonym for the second one or the first one?
You also mentioned a dark shape, tell us more about it. Describe it and tell us what it is doing.

I love you," his mother has said

You should make it: I love you," his mother had said.
Because right before she died she told him this, right?

His mother had worked so hard to keep him fed ever since his father had left; he knew she wouldn’t have wanted the demon to get him.

"Keep him fed" just sounds odd. Maybe you should say "well" or something. Because it just seems as if she had to and stuff. You know XD

looking around to find some familiar making to help him find his way.

May I suggest "Land Mark" instead of "making"?

Too young to understand what she was, his child mind saw only that the reaper had come cloaked in darkness, holding a glowing blue light in her hands to lead the spirits of the dead away to the afterlife. Everyone knew about the reaper, she followed after devastation and disaster; easing the passing of those so suddenly ripped from life. The being was both frightening and beautiful; gliding down the street as she called to the spirits in a soft language he did no know. They came. The child watched wide eyed as wisps of blue light seemed to flow from the dead, twisting and curling around the soul collector before becoming a part of the light in he hands.

Can you describe her and what she is doing?

It did not interrupt. No one interrupted the reaper at work, or she would take your life and your soul. His father had told him that.

Could you put a little paragraph just describing him listening to his father saying that? I think it would be cool, like this:
He could just remember, his father had seated him on the kitchen table and pulled up a chair for himself. He knelt forwards resting his arms on his knees. He let his fingers twist his greying beard, "Son, part of growing up if knowing about the dangers in this world... etc etc.

You know what I mean?

Forwards
Terrified, the boy screamed as he saw the monster coming^much faster now, it’s teeth glistening hungrily.

Maybe you should add forwards between 'coming' and 'much'.

it’s teeth glistening hungrily.

I like this, but it just sounds odd. Teeth aren't hungry XD Maybe you could say: It's teeth glistening fiercely.

The bears name is Bear? No offence, but its kinda lame XD Maybe you could come up with a more original name like something to do with its fur or what it looks like...

P1 Question: Did you find yourself hooked/interested in this story right away, or did you just read to be nice? If it's the last one, what do you think is missing to make it more interesting? [b]

HOOKED!

[b]you
The interesting thing about being a henchman, is when^realize you’re not but that you might be the only one who noticed.

I think you should add a 'you' between 'when' and 'realize'

Bundy is the one who will be taking over the realm, and Demon’s the one who is becoming infamous.

Who is Bundy?
Is Demon the bears new name?

(I am so sorry I have to go, I will continue my review as soon as possible)

Cheers,
Gwenevire

Well, everyone did a bunch of editing and caught what I noticed, so I won’t annoy you with repetition. Plus you already fixed most of it.

P1 Question: Did you find yourself hooked/interested in this story right away, or do you just read to be nice? If it's the last one, what do you think is missing to make it more interesting?

I’d have to go with a modified version of number 2. I was pretty much disappointed that we didn’t have Yazra right from the beginning, but I was going to stick it through because I loved the prologue so far. Then it went a bit further and I got into it. Then there was Yazra. *yay*

Mainly, I think that I wasn’t particularly interested because I didn’t know the little kid and really didn’t care about him accordingly. I spent the entire prologue falling in love with Yazra and then you give me this little kid who I know nothing about and want to make me feel sorry for him because his mom died. (Geez, I sound heartless…)

Perhaps a better idea would be to write the entire thing from Yazra’s POV. Hint at first at what is going on and maybe have some inner dialogue. I think I know what you were trying to do with the whole slow reveal thing, but I just wasn’t sold. Just my two cents.

P2 Question: I've given a better image of what Yazra's life was like before, do you think I should move a lot of this to the prologue and work it in there?

No, I like it where it is. *thumbs up*

P3 Question: So, personally I rushed through this and I think it sucks. >_> I have also strayed off my original plot plan so chapter one is looking very long indeed. How would you guys suggest improving this part?

Yeah, I was a little confused as to what was happening here. What led into this?

However, I liked it. It was a little rushed, but it was still a great read. I’m not really sure how to tell you to improve this without seeing where it leads. If it leads up to something else later on, I could give you some suggestions, but as is, I have no idea if anything hinges on it.

Maybe you could slow it down a little and describe Yazra’s current day-to-day life a little. If you think that would slow the chapter down too much, maybe you could move some of the information to a later part and instead just work on establishing the norm before it goes all out of whack.

P4 Question: How many of you would actually want to see Yazra at work?

*raises hand high* Me!

CHAPTER ONE FEEDBACK QUESTIONS
1) What's your opinion on the plot of this chapter? Does it need more action, is it too choppy? Honest opinions please, and hopefully some advice one how to improve it!

It is a little choppy. You have a huge amount of stuff happening and it all goes by really fast. Maybe you could slow down a little. Give us some of Yazra’s thoughts. Describe how she feels about stuff. The chapter feels rather devoid of that sort of thing after the wonderful prologue that was bursting at the seams.

2) As you're reading, you probably have some questions. What questions do you have that are still unanswered at this point? (Questions can be carried over from the prologue)

Just the stuff above about Yazra’s life. You mention her life situation a bit in the diary entry, but I’d like to see it going on. You tell us about it rather than showing and that is a bit of a no-no.

But I loved this. Yazra is such an endearing character, despite the fact that she might be the bad guy. You have insane talent and great creativity! *huggles*

Question: Would you guys suggest (prefer) for me to go back and fix up/improve chapters as soon as I finish them and get feedback? This means you'd read the chapter, comment, and then not so soon after be asked to read it again. Or does it seem more appealing to see the story move forward, then come back to the beginning? This means the story would move forward, and I'd come back and make improvements as I found the time/will/run into blocks/when I'm done the 'ploty' version. (Yes, ploty is an adjective becuse I say so.)

I think that you should do whatever is easiest for you. It appears that you are already doing whatever you are going to do (I know I am arriving a little late on the scene) and I don’t mind whichever one you do. However, if you are going to do the ‘editing before you move on’ method, I would hugely appreciate it if you could find the time to send me a quick PM when you want me to come and crit the edited version. Otherwise, I might miss it!

Anyway, great stuff. I didn’t think it was quite as good as the prologue, but it was still a fun read.

Good luck writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Mwaha. I have another reader.

Yes, I know. The little intro with the kid was actually very munch in old style, which was to introduce elements in a slow manner. I think I did it mostly because I wanted people to see what she looked like from the outside, without the noise of her own thoughts to warp the perspective.

After all, she's a villain now. I wanted to show just what she and her buddy Bear were doing from the view of a victim. I could move that to a later scene. OOH. Or I could make it a dream. Yay! In my head, Yaz is tormented by dreams that are metaphors for her life choices. I'll think about it.

>.< Sadly, yes, chapter one sucks compared to the prologue which rocked, in my opinion. I really might come back and fix this up sooner rather than later, since I'm blocked at the moment. I want to de-choppyfy this.

And I shall add you to my PM list, Gryphon. Thanks for reading!

^_^ Keek!