My true friend(WARNING: you may cry.......)

You were there for me,
when I needed a shoulder.
You guided me,
when I was lost.
You led me to safety,
helping me to stay strong.
You, with your gentle,
guiding hand.
Are the hope within me,
I know I can find not another true friend.

You believed in me,
when i had no faith left.
You heard my voice,
when I said nothing at all.
You taught me,
all the wisdom you own.
You are the rock
to which I cling,
holding me through the storm.
You never left my side,
not once day or night.
And for that, my dear sweet sister,
I know I can find not another true friend.

Nah, cliches don't really make me cry.

DO:
Make your poem original.
Read lots of good poetry.
Use interesting images or metaphors.

DON'T:
Construct your poem from Hallmark cards.

If you want your reader to cry, take your poem seriously; give it a unique face, a good sound, a story that will really tug at your reader's heartstrings.

-Colleen

You were there for me,
when I needed a shoulder.
You guided me,
when I was lost.
You led me to safety,
helping me to stay strong. - No 'to'. Try to write a poem with as least words in a line as possible. It makes it flow better.
You, with your gentle,
guiding hand. - AWWW.
Are the hope within me,
I know I can find not another true friend. -Uh, why not? Just because you have one doesn't mean you can't find another

You believed in me,
when i had no faith left.
You heard my voice,
when I said nothing at all. -Eh. Cliche - ey. Try to use more similies
You taught me,
all the wisdom you own. - Not own Have. You don't 'own' wisdom.
You are the rock
to which I cling,
holding me through the storm. - (Again) Aww. Sweet. There's a good line.
You never left my side,
not once day or night.
And for that, my dear sweet sister,
I know I can find not another true friend.


Overall, you could do better with this poem. But I say, you did a friggin' awesome job with the one I just read You're a great poet and I really hope you keep writing.

thanks ill keep that in mind ohhh almost forgot...smile its friday!!

Don't you hate when people re-write your poems or stories to edit them because they think their way is better? But, Anyway, I enjoyed the poem. TGIF!!!!

It was okay, though not very original

I'll write a disclaimer right now that I myself am not much of a poetry writer and certainly not a critic, but I do like to say what I like or don't like.

I liked the poem. It isn't very original, I will say that, but your language was pretty.

I did notice that you didn't capitalize one 'I'. You might want to fix that.

I had to laugh at LoveableLittleSock's one comment about writing the poem with as few words in a line as possible, while you had a comment on another of your poems by someone else writing that you should put more than a few lines in a poem.

All in all, I think you should know that poetry is a form of self-expression and there are a million different styles out there. Everyone seems to leave huge critiques of your work, but you should be proud of them. There are people out there that want to help you. A thousand word flame is better than one line of empty praise. At least the person told you what they don't like about it. If the person can say why their way is better, than all is well. Colleen's first comment wasn't exactly a helpful one. She made it clear she didn't like the poem, but didn't really tell you how to improve it.

I hope you do well with your poetry.

~GryphonFledgling

Yep, this is definitely a tear-jerker...
... because seeing such a cliched, hallmark-style (as Cade said) poem is enough to make me cry with despair.

This is going to sound really mean, just so you know.
I'm sorry, but I dislike this poem. If it were actually on a Hallmark card, the cover would feature an overly large rose spattered with dew, or something equally nostalgic.

Now, let me tell you why I dislike it.

Firstly, there is hardly any interesting and/or poetic language in it at all. Similes and metaphors are very useful tools in both poetry and prose for conveying emotion and imagery. So try to use more of those, okay?

Secondly, this is such an overused theme that even if you had a remarkable skill with words, it would still be kind of... urk.
I mean, I'm sure you and your sister had fights, right? So maybe you should mention these a little, but please, please don't say: 'We had fights, but we always got over it because you were so understanding...' Because then I would be bawling with despair. =p

Anyways. Take Cade's advice and read some good poetry, k? Incandescence, Cade, Amelia, whence and xanthan gum are all very inspiring and able poets, so why not leaf through their portfolios? And of course, your local library will probably have a whole shelf full of famous poetry.

Good luck, and PM me if there's anything you didn't understand!

- Camille

Yeah, this poem needs less cliche and more originality. What was it really like without your sister? A ghost of a presence, maybe? An echo that you couldn't quite hear? That sort of evocative, striking imagery will keep your readers reading and keep a subject that's already been done to death really fresh.

Practice makes perfect. Keep writing!

This poem unfortunately sounds like it came right out of a Hallmark card. When I read this poem it doesn't sound like you took this poem seriously. If you want us to cry you have to give us a reason to. Use other literary forms(similes, metaphors, descriptive writing). Thats all it takes to make this poem better.
I also noticed that some of your I s were not capitalized. It really bugs me when I read a poem or any that has bad punctuation, simply review your piece before submitting it, or if you notice it after then click on the "EDIT" icon and edit it. This poem has potential and so do you. Just follow all the tips everyone has given you and press the "EDIT" button more often. It will make you a better writer. I promise that if you follow these helpful hints that your writing will sound less like a Hallmark card and more like an amazing poem that make people cry their eyes out. We want to help.
Let me know when you edit it.

Feel free to PM me with any questions about my review.

-BroadwayGirl

I agree with the above comments. It's a good idea, but it's been done too many times before. Add yourself into it. We want to know what you feel, not just the surface feelings that someone can read by just looking at your face. Poetry is meant to carry all of your feelings, and then (if you really wanted it to make us cry) it would wash over us and take some of our related feelings and memories with it. Simple words don't bring up feelings like that when they're easily thrown around daily. Nowadays you have to work to make people feel what you're feeling

P.S. Please change your topic description to something that isn't in all caps. It's practice and also a good example of what we do and do not allow on this site. Thank you! PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

that didnt really make me cry. but it was well written. i think you captured those kinds of feeling well .

Do you think I should start making Hallmark Cards? Seems everyone thinks so. I wrote this for my sister who almost died a few years ago. I was honestly and truely speaking from the heart, and if it sounds like something from a hallmark card, then...I guess it is. Sorry if it's not perfect. Thank you for giving me advice though

Before I read this I read the comments and it was like everyone was just getting vicious. Chill out!!!...seriously
Besides its people that write Hallmark cards anyways so its okay if it seems like one. I think thats a bit of an exaggeration.

The difference between good poetry and cathartic poetry is that in order to write good poetry you need to write in order to make OTHER people feel something. We as the audience, never knew your sister, although I'm sure she was a lovely girl, but her death had no effect on me. Therefore in order to write poetry you need to make what you write special; differemt. As though none of us know what pain is and you are teaching us, showing us. More images, more beauty. It isn't enough to speak from the heart: everyone has a heart and most people can speak, you have to do more. Its not what you do, but how you do it, in most cases.