(No title yet) chapter 1

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CHAPTER 1

Miss Liana had, unfortunately, woken up to early before her time to do so. Her mood made her servants nervous. They were afraid that they might be fired, so they were extra careful with her today.

I leaped up onto her lap as she waited for her breakfast impatiently. She started to pet me a little too harshly as she grumbled under breath about nothing. I meowed uncomfortably, but she just patted me on the head heavily and continued petting me.

Two servants came into the room. One held Miss Liana’s breakfast and the other one held mine. They squirmed under her gaze as they waited for a demand.

“What took you so long?” complained Miss Liana angrily. The servants looked down.

“Humph. Just set them on the table and leave,” demanded Miss Liana as I glared at them also. They quickly set the food down and left, relieved. She peeled back the covers and climbed out slowly grunting other complaints under her breath. She was young and tall, but she sounded like an old woman. I watched her as she sat down at the table and set down my bowl on the floor. I leaped off the bed and ate hungrily. She needed faster servants.

“What a mess. Come here Glint, you messy girl. Let me clean your mouth,” said Miss Liana as I looked up. She reached down with a wet napkin and started to wipe my mouth. I back away, hissing. She looked at me in surprise then with anger.

“Don’t be like that Glint,” she said harshly, pointing her finger at me. I gave one last hiss and ran out of her room, into the kitchen. It smelled wonderful in here. I meowed loudly at the cooks to give me something more to eat.

“Shoo! Go away cat. You don’t belong in here,” said one of the cooks as he shoved me away with his foot. I hissed. They could not treat me that way. I was Miss Liana’s cat. I then meowed to another cook. He was short and seemed a little different from the other cooks. He was not doing anything. I meowed again, louder when he ignored me. Finally, he looked down and smiled.

“Oh, the wealthy lady’s cat is hungry. Wouldn’t you like something to eat?” he cooed. I meowed in response. He took out a biscuits from his pocket and held them out in front of me. I started towards them, but he moved it farther away. I followed the biscuits. I thought of nothing other than the biscuits as he opened the back door and threw them outside. I leaped after them.

“Goodbye Kitty!” he called as I looked around in time to see him close the door. I ran to it, clawed at the door, and meowed until my throat was sore.

Traitor! I thought as I back away from the door, thinking of what to do. I walked out into an empty street lined with tall lamps. I looked around in the dark seeing everything and nothing. That was when I heard some urgent honks.

I looked up to see a goose, flailing high in the sky. The goose seemed unable to keep a fight. He was coming down rapidly.

“Watch out, beings that are below!” he honked as he spiraled down.

“What beings? I am the only one around!” I meowed. The goose was now closer to the ground. He was a big goose, but not very fat. His beak was a dark black and his feathers were white, spotted with grey spots.

“Ahoy there kitten! You better watch…” he reached the ground before he finished his sentence. I walked towards his unmoving body, wondering if he was dead. I sniffed him and jumped back in surprise when shook out his feathers and stood up.

“I am not that easily killed,” he honked proudly. I meowed back in congratulation. I looked at him and tilted my head slightly when I saw that his eyes were a bright green. He looked away.

“Well, it might as well be proper to introduce my self. I am Leaf,” he said proudly. I laughed at that.

“Leaf?” I asked in surprise. He looked back at me.

“What is your name?” he asked ignoring my laughs.

“Glint,” I answered, frowning. He gave a nod.

“What is wrong?” he asked when he saw me frown.

“Oh nothing,” I answered looking away, but there was something wrong. There was something different and not possible. His eyes were now black.
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Very nice! The cat perspective is something that I have not come across before, but you portray it nicely. As far as grammar goes, I don't see any obvious mistakes. As for story line, it's fast paced, but you don't get lost. It was well written and I can wait to read on!
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my edits are (as always) in bold

Pawprint wrote:CHAPTER 1

Miss Liana had, unfortunately, woken up to[b]o early before her time to do so. This last sentence is really weird. I would suggest changing it to something more like "Miss Liana had, unfortunately, awoken too early. It was much before her time to do so." That way you split them up into two sentences and the word sounds a bit nicer. Her mood made her servants nervous. They were afraid that they might be fired, so they were extra careful with her today.

I leaped up onto her lap as she waited for her breakfast impatiently. She started to pet me a little too harshly as she grumbled under breath about nothing. I meowed uncomfortably, but she just patted me on the head heavily and continued petting me. Interesting...I don't know if the "harshly" goes well withing petting, but that's just me....

Two servants came into the room. One held Miss Liana’s breakfast and the other one get rid of this last "one", it makes for a better flow held mine. They squirmed under her gaze as they waited for a demand.

“What took you so long?” complained Miss Liana angrily. The servants looked down.

“Humph. Just Again, I would just get rid of this "Just". set them on the table and leave,” demanded Miss Liana as I glared at them also. They quickly set the food down and left, relieved. She peeled back the covers and climbed out slowly grunting other complaints under her breath. She was young and tall, but she sounded like an old woman. Haha... from her mood earlier and what she said I had thought she was an old woman. I watched her as she sat down at the table and set down my bowl on the floor. I leaped off the bed and ate hungrily. She needed faster servants.

“What a mess. Come here Glint, you messy girl. Let me clean your mouth,” said Miss Liana as I looked up. She reached down with a wet napkin and started to wipe my mouth. I back away, hissing. She looked at me in surprise then with anger. That's one weird lady, why is she so surprised at her cats hissing? Don't cats usually do that?

“Don’t be like that, Glint,” she said harshly, pointing her finger at me. I gave one last hiss and ran out of her room, into the kitchen. It smelled wonderful in here. I meowed loudly at the cooks to give me something more to eat.

“Shoo! Go away cat. You don’t belong in here,” said one of the cooks as he shoved me away with his foot. I hissed. They could not treat me that way. I was Miss Liana’s cat. I then meowed to another cook. He was short and seemed a little different from the other cooks. He was not doing anything. I meowed again, louder when he ignored me. Finally, he looked down and smiled.

“Oh, the wealthy lady’s cat is hungry. Wouldn’t you like something to eat?” he cooed. I meowed in response. He took out a biscuits from his pocket and held them out in front of me. I started towards them, but he moved it farther away. I followed the biscuits. I thought of nothing other than the biscuits as he opened the back door and threw them outside. I leaped after them. Why do the cooks do this? Wouldn't they get in trouble for it??

“Goodbye Kitty!” he called as I looked around in time to see him close the door. I ran to it, clawed at the door, and meowed until my throat was sore.

Traitor! I thought as I back away from the door, thinking of what to do. I walked out into an empty street lined with tall lamps. I looked around in the dark seeing everything and nothing. That was when I heard some urgent honks.

I looked up to see a goose, flailing high in the sky. The goose seemed unable to keep a fight. He was coming down rapidly.

“Watch out, beings that are below!” he honked as he spiraled down. haha, the goose sounds really funny.

“What beings? I am the only one around!” I meowed. The goose was now closer to the ground. He was a big goose, but not very fat. His beak was a dark black and his feathers were white, spotted with grey spots. ok, here you say "spotted with gray spots"..."spot" goes in there twice, so you need to get rid of one of them. It sounds really awkward this way.

“Ahoy there kitten! You better watch…” he reached the ground before he finished his sentence. I walked towards his unmoving body, wondering if he was dead. I sniffed him and jumped back in surprise when shook out his feathers and stood up.

“I am not that easily killed,” he honked proudly. Haha, I'm already starting to like this bird! I meowed back in congratulation. I looked at him and tilted my head slightly when I saw that his eyes were a bright green. He looked away. What's wrong with his eyes? Shouldn't they be bright green?

“Well, it might as well be proper to introduce my self. I am Leaf,” he said proudly. I laughed at that.

“Leaf?” I asked in surprise. He looked back at me.

“What is your name?” he asked ignoring my laughs.

“Glint,” I answered, frowning. He gave a nod.

“What is People get really annoyed at me for doing this same thing that you did, and maybe your goose is supposed to be really proper, but you can just change that into "what's wrong". wrong?” he asked when he saw me frown.

“Oh nothing,” I answered looking away, but there was something wrong. There was something different and not possible. His eyes were now black. ooooooh, not a bad ending. lol


Well, at first I thought it was really funny how the cat was more like a nicer, quieter version of the old lady. But the cat was a lot more likable. I liked the goose, but at the end you did make him seem kind of dark...with the eyes thing.

One thing I must ask is: does Miss Liana take the cat outside a lot? Because if was kept inside and just pampered he wouldn't know what a goose was. And wouldn't the lady notice if the cat went into the kitchen, and if she didn't try to get him then, wouldn't she get him after he'd been out there for a long time? Or does she not really care....?

The only real problem I noticed in this story was that your wording wasn't all that good sometimes, and your plot could use a bit more work (at least from what I've read). Think about all the characters, and think "if this happens, what so-and-so going to do?", not just say, "oh, the cats gone...bring me lunch". Well, maybe that's what Miss Liana would say, but just try to get info on Miss Liana and what she does if her cat vanishes.

I think that it's good, has potential, blah blah blah, but it does need work. And make sure it doesn't turn out like all of those cliche cat stories.... lol!

Keep writing!!!!!

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The goose seemed unable to keep a fight.


You mean, "a flight."

“Don’t be like that Glint,” she said harshly, pointing her finger at me. I gave one last hiss and ran out of her room, into the kitchen. It smelled wonderful in here. I meowed loudly at the cooks to give me something more to eat.


This paragraph is funky. The first sentence makes it sound like the Lady's room is connected directly to the kitchen, because she goes from the room into the kitchen. You skipped all the passages to the kitchen, of which there may be many.

Another thing that bothers me is that you described cooks, as in more than one.

How much food does this lady eat? If she lives alone, she'd only need food for herself and for the staff. Unless she runs a restaurant, then there is really no need to have two cooks, one would be sufficient.

“Ahoy there kitten! You better watch…” he reached the ground before he finished his sentence. I walked towards his unmoving body, wondering if he was dead. I sniffed him and jumped back in surprise when shook out his feathers and stood up.


Ahoy? What is he a seagull? Also, wouldn't there be an impact?

“I am not that easily killed,” he honked proudly. I meowed back in congratulation. I looked at him and tilted my head slightly when I saw that his eyes were a bright green. He looked away.

“Well, it might as well be proper to introduce my self. I am Leaf,” he said proudly. I laughed at that.

“Leaf?” I asked in surprise. He looked back at me.


I hate how cordial these two are being. Cats and birds are traditionally enemies and I can't help but think that a hungry kitten would be tempted to take on the injured goose. I've never known cats to be friendly to strangers, so why should this goose be an exception? This is not explained. The moment that goose turns his back to the kitten would be a perfect moment for the predatory instincts to kick in. The cat would be on that goose's neck and kill it in no time at all.
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i liked this, especially the way you tell the story from the eyes of a cat. there were a few weird sentances but SirWozzell beat me to them, so all i hav to say is please write more!




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I thought this was a brilliant piece, i think the cat idea was cool and totally original.

Same as the others, they beat me to the grammar mistake.grrrrrr.

I hope u decide to continue on this, as i would like to what happens next.



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Well done!

I thought that was a very original piece with no eyecathcing grammatical errors. There were a few sentence structure problems, but nothing that I thought made it any less of a read. It was a very clever idea to tell a story frmo the eyes of a cat, and the way that the other animals were given dialogue. Very good idea, keep writing!
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