Death scene: Zebra

As stated, this is for Author13's contest. I'm not sure how the last few paragraphs are, so.................. yes. Have fun! :D:D:D



I looked up from my book, puzzled by the silence. For some reason Zebra was just laying there instead of playing in the water. That was strange, because she loved the water. Most labs do.

Zebra hadn’t been feeling very well, and I thought that letting her swim in the river would make her feel better. Take the weight off her poor legs. She had arthritis in her left forepaw, and she was pretty fat. That was my fault, obviously. I should feed her less.

“Zoo zoo, come on girl. Let‘s go.”

I walked up to her, looking for the minuscule wag of her tail. There was none. Poor puppy must be really tired. It was understandable- we had been playing ball earlier, and she had been running quite a bit. Bad dog. She knows it’s bad for her to run around. Of course, I shouldn’t have been throwing balls for her either. I plopped next to her, letting myself doze in the lazy sunshine.

*

I sat up, blinking the world back in to decent colors. I hate it when everything looks blue. Somewhat revived by my thoughts and the breeze in the trees, I jumped up, grabbing the tennis ball.

“Zebu! Come on girl! Let’s go!”

I tossed the ball in front of her, but the lazy thing didn’t even budge. I rolled my eyes and fetched the ball. Typical. Make me do the work.

“Zebra! You fat lard, get up!”

I tossed the ball again, watching it land just behind her. I looked down at her, completely puzzled.

Everything around us was gilded with intoxicating sunshine. Even the iris and fireweed had a lustrous edge to their stems. My dog looked dull and lifeless in comparison.

“Zebra?”

I leaned close to her, stroking her black fur. No wheezing breath, no wagging tail. I smirked, stroking her head.

“Zebra- what a stupid name. How could I name you something so stupid?”

I gathered my poor dog into my arms, laughing and crying- knowing she was gone. I could see everything- all I should have done for her, that I could have done so easily- But no, I thought savagely, I would rather play on the computer, or play some stupid video games- these thoughts clouded my mind, making me weep uncontrollably.

“My poor dog- my poor, poor dog…”

How could there be life screaming around me, and death- so quietly- take the dearest thing?

i must ask...what contest? my edits will be in bold

SeraphTree wrote:As stated, this is for Author13's contest. I'm not sure how the last few paragraphs are, so.................. yes. Have fun! :D:D:D



I looked up from my book, puzzled by the silence. For some reason she was just laying there instead of playing in the water. That was strange, because Zebra loved the water. Most labs do. okay, this was confusing, because first i thought you were talking about an actual zebra, and i'm like "labs"?? what???

Zebra hadn’t been feeling very well, and I thought that letting her swim in the river would make her feel better. Take the weight off her poor legs. She had arthritis in her left forepaw, and she was pretty fat. That was my fault, obviously. I should feed her less. this was okay, and i'm not really sure what, but something here just seemed kind of odd...i think it's the phrasing

“Zoo zoo, come on girl. Let‘s go.” she has a lot of nicknames for her dog, doesn't she (i'm assuming the narrator is a girl???)

I walked up to her, looking for the miniscule second "i" needs to be a "u" in "minuscule". wag of her tail. There was none. Poor puppy must be really tired. It was understandable- we had been playing ball earlier, and she had been running quite a bit. Bad dog. She knows it’s bad for her to run around. Of course, I shouldn’t have been throwing balls for her either. i must say...i thought that this was kind of dumb, how she doesn't want the dog to run around, yet she's encouraging it by throwing a ball (but kind of funny as well) I plopped next to her, letting myself doze in the lazy sunshine.

*

I sat up, blinking the world back in to decent colors. I hate it when everything looks blue. Somewhat revived by my thoughts and the breeze in the trees, I jumped up, grabbing the tennis ball. why does she hate it when everything's blue? explain more to us...

“Zebu! Come on girl! Let’s go!” i thought the dog wasn't supposed to run around. no offense, but your narrator isn't all that great of a caretaker

I tossed the ball in front of her, but the lazy thing didn’t even budge. I rolled my eyes and fetched the ball. Typical. Make me do the work. haha, this was really funny

“Zebra! You fat lard, i think that lard is an overused insult... get up!”

I tossed the ball again, watching it land just behind her. I looked down at her, completely puzzled.

Everything around us was gilded with intoxicating sunshine. Even the iris and fireweed had a lustrous edge to their stems. My dog looked dull and lifeless in comparison.

“Zebra?”

I leaned close to her, stroking her black fur. No wheezing breath, no wagging tail. I smirked, stroking her head. interesting, that she'd be smirking

“Zebra- what a stupid name. How could I name you something so stupid?” really, i don't think that this is very realistic...wouldn't she be sadder than this?

I gathered my poor dog into my arms, laughing and crying- knowing she was gone. I could see everything- all I should have done for her, that I could have done so easily- But no, I thought savagely, I would rather play on the computer, or play some stupid video games- these thoughts clouded my mind, making me weep uncontrollably. this was good, how you explained this...very well done emotions, and finally you give us something behind the story

“My poor dog- my poor, poor dog…”

How could there be life screaming around me, and death- so quietly- take the dearest thing? great ending

i really liked it, actually. at first, it seemed a little dull, and neither the dog nor the girl were likable. also your descriptions weren't that great, that's the one thing that you should work on... but as it went on, i started to like the dog, and in those last three paragraphs, you cleared a lot up and you finally felt sorry for the girl, and liked her. i think it was well written, but it could definitely improve.

also, i would like to know what "contest" this is for.

keep writing, and i'll keep reviewing,

Teh Wozzinator

Author 13 has a 'Death scene' contest. Thanks for the crit Wozzie. The work seemed rather weak, but I couldn't tell why. :D:D:D Thank you :D:D:D:D

Aww, this was sweet. I think the owner's reaction could have been a little more--dramatic. I don't know, but it felt to me that the owner took the death of her dog a little lightly... she knew almost immediately that Zebra was dead. Maybe she should realize it, but tell herself that Zebra's still alive, like she can't believe it's not true. I don't know if that made sense or not. XD If not, PM me and I'll try to explain.

I looked up from my book, puzzled by the silence. For some reason she was just laying there instead of playing in the water. That was strange, because Zebra loved the water. Most labs do.

I think you should introduce the name earlier... like this: "I looked up from my book, puzzled by the silence. For some reason Zebra was just laying there instead of playing in the water. That was strange, because she loved the water. Most labs do."

She had arthritis in her left forepaw, and she was pretty fat.

I think that should be "fore-paw" or "fore paw" I don't think it's a real word.

I walked up to her, looking for the miniscule wag of her tail.

Firstly, "miniscule" should be "minuscule" ...but I don't think that's a correct use of the word. Maybe "minute" would work better.

Somewhat revived by my thoughts and the breeze in the trees, I jumped up, grabbing the tennis ball.

The rhyme of "breeze" and "trees" bothered me...
----------------

Other than those little things, I'd just say work on the owner's reaction a little.

If I was unclear about anything, let me know and I'll try to clarify!

~Azila~

Thanks Azila. Sorry, 'miniscule' was a typo. I thought I did use it correctly, but whatev.
Haha! I didn't see that rhyme!

I was trying to go for a strange reaction. I mean, people act normal at a funeral, people scream at a gunshot, etc. I do see what you mean about the reaction of the owner, though. I'll see what I can do :D:D:D:D TY!