Our Last Kiss

Your lips touch mine
One last time
And I was ready to cry
Ready to die
So much pleasure it caused pain
Will I ever feel like this again?
I cling to you and hold you close
Taking from you one last dose
I take in your scent and how your arms feel
Crying as my brain starts to reel
I ask why it has to be this way
Because I know deep down you want to stay
You stroke my hair and dry my tears
You promised we'd be together for years
You whisper back this is all for the best
I feel like you ripped my heart out with this test
You run your fingers through my hair
An I swear I can hear my heart tear
You caress my arm in a loving way
Why this? Why now? Why today?
Tears flood my eyes and I look up at you
Wondering if there's something I can possibly do
To make you realize how it's supposed to be
Together forever, you and me
But your eyes are cold and contain no tears
I was finally confronted with all of my fears
I realized you meant more to me than I did to you
When you said 'I love you' I used to think it was true
But now I'm not to sure because of how calm you seem
I used to think you came out of my dreams
I quietly sob as I pull away from your arms
Mad that they were causing me so much harm
You try to pull me in for one last kiss
I glare at you, you wanted this
You look at me with a look of regret
But this is something I won't let you forget
I turn from you and walk away
You whisper to me 'I'm sorry, please stay'
I turn away and wipe my cheek
Suddenly feeling small and weak
With a deep breath I do the hardest thing I've ever had to do
Without a backward glance I walk away from you
Erasing all the drama and pain in my life
But feeling as though my heart was stabbed by a knife
I put my fingers to my lips
As I realized that was our last kiss

Ok so the good thing is we can all tell exactly how you are feeling, which by the way can be hard to do. The bad thing is it is a little cliche, I kind of feel like I am reading lyrics to a country song...

It's really long, to the point where all I could think was, "is she really not done yet?" By the 10th line the reader knows what you are feeling and thinking... after that it's just kind of dull.

Rhyming can be a really good thing, but only if it doesn't feel forced. Most of this doesn't but there are a few lines that could be a little better. "Pain" and "Again" don't really rhyme unless you change the pronunciation of "Again" (by the way it just really bothers me when people do that.)

The idea's are good, and I can feel what you are feeling, however it's just a little drawn out. Still it was ok overall.

I really liked this. This actually kept me reading and I can really see how you felt during this. It does seem a bit long, but I'd break it into stanzas so it's not just one big block of text. I like the rhyming, but as OverEasy said, it is a bit forced in some spots, and people really can pick that up. It reads very well in most cases, but as you probably know, it's a bit right where the meter is just off, and the reader sort of stumbles over the words. It doesn't smooth over quite right. I think with some little fixes and overall smoothing here, you've got a really great poem in the making!

Other than that, welcome to the YWS! I hope you stick around and write and learn a lot. ^_^
~Yoyo

Next time, keep it in your journal.

The thing is, we as readers don't really care. Why should we want to read about the speaker's failed relationship and her hopeless romantic babble? And the rhyme took whatever dignity the piece still had after that.

So. How do you make your poem better?
-Read good poetry
The best way to learn is by example! You'll be a better writer if you read good writers and good poets.
-Stop navel-gazing
It's okay to talk about personal things in poetry, but you've also got to get the reader interested. What, maybe, does the story say that we might find interesting? Make us care--we'd all find the story really interesting if you made it relevant or thoughtful in some way.
-Practice
It's like sports and music; you're only going to get better if you do it all the time.

Also, try cutting it down in length or at least putting in some breaks. Don't torment your reader with this huge block of text.

Here's a poem you might like. It's by Lord Byron and it's similar in subject to yours. It also uses rhyme effectively. I got it in the Writer's Almanac today:

When We Two Parted

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:—
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Good luck!
-Colleen

Two things, I want to say, and I'm not sure which one takes prescedence.

One, Cade's right. This sounds more like a journal entry. A private moment that currently, means/ is portrayed as meaning little except to those involved.

Two, have you considered putting this into prose? I think it would be more suited to that, as there is more driving description, never looking back, than connections between the words from beginning to end.

If you should choose to keep it in verse, know that rhyming does nothing for this poem.

Good luck!

I will admit that the rhyming kind of did me in. Also, the way the poem is blocked together makes me think it'll never ended, which I've read in other replies.

However, I do like the emotions and imagery.

Just make sure you sound mature about your topic, not like a whining little kid.

this should be kept in journal, but i do like it, maybe others woulndt be intrested, but i was, i kneew how you felt and what you thought. It was a bit long, stanzas sounds like a good idea.

i like what you put in it, you just need to fix it up :]

This was rather nice but to be honest, I skipped the second half because it was so long, and seemed to drag out. I think you could say all you need to in half the space. Some of it was also pretty cliché, for example, heart ripped out, eyes flooded with tears, etc, it's all been heard before. I'm sure it was very cathartic to write though. Try to find an original way, and a shorter way, to describe this, and keep writing, because I see a lot of potential here.

One thing i noticed myself really liking about this is the rhyming. Not real complex, but not forced either. As I skimmed other comments I realized that lots of people said that this should be kept as a journal entry. I disagree because its something many can relate to and it would probably make them feel so alone.
What I didn't really like too much was that it was a little repetitive.
You this...
You that...
I this...
I that...
If you know what I mean? But it can be fixed. For example:
"I cling to you and hold you close" could be:
"Clinging to you and holding you close" You could do this in quite a few places while still keeping the rhyme scheme.
And as said above, a little cliche, but this is usually the case with most love poems.
But I DID like it. And that is unusual because find it hard to like love poems, for the above reason. But keep working on it. This could be really great!

I take in your scent and how your arms feel

This bit sounds kinda out... It rhymes with the next line but it just seems to go on a little to much. Like the take in bit was in the line before it and the "and" kinda puts it out of place.

Crying as my brain starts to reel

Reel? What's that? The brain bit just puts me off. What about head or something.

I feel like you ripped my heart out with this test

You've mentioned your hear being hurt.

An I swear I can hear my heart tear

Now you have mentioned it again...

But your eyes are cold and contain no tears

This is kinda not going with you rhyming. Maybe you should make it: But you eyes are cold, containing to tears.

But now I'm not to sure because of how calm you seem

This line doesn't go to well with your next line.
Maybe you could make this but a bit less complicated: I'm not to sure

I quietly sob as I pull away from your arms

You mention arms a little to many times...
Like here:
I take in your scent and how your arms feel
and here:
You caress my arm in a loving way

I turn away and wipe my cheek

You have already mentioned turning away here:
I turn from you and walk away

Without a backward glance I walk away from you

But you have already walked away here:
I turn from you and walk away

Erasing all the drama and pain in my life
But feeling as though my heart was stabbed by a knife

This bit is important but a little sketchy... Maybe you should trim back one some of the smaller words in the second line.

Love the ending. Nice work! You have a talent

Keep going,
Genevieve

I actually do like this quite a bit.
To counter what a lot of people said about this being a 'journal entry,' although this is true, i think it is also a good poem for YWS because a lot of young people go through these exact emotions. When people read poems about strangers feeling the same way it can comfort them. Other than that, some people are just into reading poetry like this.
Yes, it is a bit cliche but love is cliche when it all comes down to it.

I really felt like I was in your position when I was reading your poem. Good job.

:]

Hey. I thought this was really good. You realated to a lot of teens with this poem which is great!! You did an awesome job of describing what the girl was feeling, which helped us feel something for her. I hate reading something and you feel nothing for the chacter, I liked the fact that you did make some emotion!!!!
Keep up the good work,
Kelsi =)

Hey

I do think the poetry here is set out wrong, you started out with a good idea (i.e. title) and the emotion in this is great!!!

This could be re-structured, without the rhyming and maybe still come out as a nice piece of art!!!

Keep it up,
Doffa...

I'm afraid I'm with Cade--you should listen to her! This is a prime example of navelgazing, and while as poetry it wasn't that poor a sample, it... just doesn't hold much interest for the reader. You want to write something eternal, not something that people won't remember for more than three minutes.

thank you all for your comments i will try better next time