My Innocence

Please be gentle, I wrote this when I was 12.

You stole away my childhood
My dreams, my heart, my soul
I became so distant
My mind became so cold

You caused my nightmares
I shall never be the same
You ripped away my sanity
You brought me so much pain

Your withered silhouette
Lines my bedroom walls
I see you every night and day
Without seeing you at all

Your voice echoes in my head
Haunting with a mere memory
Of every word you said
In my sleep you terrorize me

I feel your skin against mine still
Cursing me with every move I make
Every word you whispered to me
My innocence was yours to take

I vote not rhyme scheme. The poem is written to the rhyme, and that's not something to look to achieve. I think there's also a little too much "you" in this. If the whole poem is directed at some third party "you", why should "I" care? I know it's not "me"?

See if you can make the stanzas flow together a little more. Right now, they seem rather closed off to each other, a set of lines more than a unified poem.

OverEasy,


Why would you even bother posting this if you're aware it's not the best you have to offer? As it is, it's a waste of our time and yours to read and respond; if you want to share this kind of thing, start a Xanga.


Best,
Brad

take it easy on her....i can relate to wha tshes talking about.......it can happen you know....

The problem with this one is it's just a bit non-cohesive, the subject is cliche, and the rhythm was off. If you want to structure your poem like you had just attempted here, use one of the classic rhythm schemes, such as iambic or dactylic pentameter.

Other than that, it was kind of dull. Maybe if you expand it to add more original words, metaphores, images, etc.: otherwsie, nobody will consider your poetry as proffessional as it could have been.

And Incandescence, wolfsofthenight, please offer a critical/accolade critique next time, don't use the poetry forums to fight and jeer.

Please be gentle, I wrote this when I was 12.

You stole away my childhood
My dreams, my heart, my soul
I became so distant
My mind became so cold - Does this poem rhyme? Your doing a good job of it if you are.

You caused my nightmares
I shall never be the same
You ripped away my sanity - "ripped." Nice word.
You brought me so much pain - Yep, you're rhyming.

Your withered silhouette
Lines my bedroom walls
I see you every night and day
Without seeing you at all - OOH. Suspenseful. I want to see where this goes.

Your voice echoes in my head
Haunting with a mere memory - Ahhh. Not so good. You should reword this line.
Of every word you said
In my sleep you terrorize me - Reword this stanza

I feel your skin against mine still
Cursing me with every move I make
Every word you whispered to me
My innocence was yours to take - I like the last line, but the one before it confuses me.

If you wrote this when you were 12, you must be one hell of a writer now Great job, I loved this poem. Even though it was about rape KEEP WRITING!

this poem was great keep writin down stuff about your life and it will soon grow