Young Writers Society

I lie back in my hammock and look up at the stars. It isn't like this in the city.

Here I can close my eyes and listen to the sea's symphony, the light trickle of water through the rocks, the gentle beat of waves brushing against the sand, further out with a shallow base, and an awesome roar singing from the distant depths.

Along its surface the wind tears across the coastline, tingling my damp skin and tracing through my hair - a sudden rush that makes me gasp, savouring its warm, salty taste. The late August chill, the early autumn thrill that only nights like this can bring.

I push my arms out to the side to embrace the air. I am invincible. There's nobody around for at least half a mile, only wind, water, sand, and me. I hum to the music from the sea, adding my own verse to the eternal grace.

These are the times when I can lie alone, relax and forget the world.

Imagine taking a moment out of time, a beautiful moment that has no laws or boundaries, just one. Seal it away somewhere safe. That's where I am now, a moment out of time, like a word out of context. A single, precious word with no meaning but every purpose.

I curl my fists, holding onto it tight.

Up above a deep sound crashes across the sky. The wind fades into a light spray of raindrops and I open my eyes. The clouds are now a dark purple colour, and the sea has turned to a stormy grey. I climb down off the hammock and withdraw backwards with my blanket, under the shelter of grouping trees.

Here I'll stay as a wall of heavier rain speeds across the sea until it pelts all around me, dripping from the leaves onto the blanket that shelters my head. I sigh, smile, feel my heart racing.

I like to call this the chorus.

__________

- This is the first thing I've posted in a long time so please bear with me. I also discovered a spelling and grammer checker, so it shouldn't be as dreadful as my previous work...-

Wow, this was beautiful. It flowed like a poem. Lovely.

My one question is how a sound can crash across the sky. It is a great image, but I don't really see how it could be a reality. But I really like it, so I think you could leave it... I dunno, see what other people think. I think it is cool.

One other comment. I noticed in your little author's note blurb that you misspelled "bear."

"bare" = naked
"bear" = the animal - or - to carry

And that's it. I really liked this. Great job.

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling

I really liked the imagery you used in your story. I particularly liked the part about the sea being a symphony it provided a beautiful picture of ocean sounds. It really felt like you have been to the ocean, and I must say that your description of late August was very accurate. May I ask where this scene took place?

This was great! I agree with Gryphon that it flows like a poem and I noticed no mistakes. It was beautifully written. I liked the mentions of the orchestra and the chorus, and the "moment out of time" is a great way to phrase it. No edits (because this was really short), I just think that this was wonderful. Very well written and descriptive.

I end my praise here...

Woz

Gryphon

The crash thing, i was trying to make the sound of it move, but you're right, it doesn't make much sense.
I managed to use a spellchecker, and still spell something wrong in my plea to abide with spelling... haha, that's quite dreadful.

Kepe

I didn't really consider where this was taking place, just somewhere remote I guess. I've been going through a rough time and trying to get over writers block, so I asked myself why it is that I write, and ended up with this.

Wossell

I'm really glad you liked it... I'm not sure how else to reply.



Thanks for the comments guys They've given me a good boost in confidence.

Interesting. It reminds me of Orinoco Flow, by Enya. :D:D Keep writing I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I loved this! I love the beach! I wrote a poem about it once. The sea is wicked awesome!!!

Only one thing, though:

Kokobeans wrote:Along its surface the wind tears across the coastline, tingling my damp skin and tracing through my hair - a sudden rush that makes me gasp, savouring its warm, salty taste.

You keep talking about being relaxed, and then all the sudden you gasp....it doesn't quite fit. You can use the imagery, but "gasp" sort of has an...ah...ominous conotation behind it. When I hear the word gasp, I think of pain and fear, emotions that don't really work with this. lol.

Excellent imagery. I love your style as well. It's like "poetic prose". It invoked some intense emotions in me [as good writing should].

Very nice imagery.

I couldn't spot any mistakes, but there are a few things I think could be changed.

I lie back in my hammock and look up at the stars. It isn't like this in the city.

This is an excellent beginning, but I think maybe you should split it into two sections, like this:

I lie back in my hammock and look up at the stars.

It isn't like this in the city.

a beautiful moment that has no laws or boundaries, just one

Just one? I really didn't see why you put it there, it doesn't seem to have any purpose.

I like to call this the chorus.

Great ending.

I really liked this, but it was a bit short. You have a good grip on decription and imagery.

I can't really add much to what has already been said but I just had to comment on the great imagery in this piece. Definitely very poetic and a refreshing piece to read after battling through a philosophical work.

Volent -

I couldn't decide on another way to say 'gasp'. I was thinking along the lines of taking a deep breath of air. If anyone can find a better word that would be a great help. Thanks for the suggestion.

Invalid -

Thanks One of my main targets of that was to provoke emotion.

Chocoholic -

I had considered splitting the beginning into two sections, but I thought both lines seem to stand apart, so they might fit better together. I shall change it. Thanks.
By 'just one', i was trying to single out that it was just one moment, without repeating moment too much.

traveller -

Haha, philosophy does tend to leave your brain rather depleted.


Thanks for the comments everyone!