Hurt

I thought he loved me

He swore he would never ever leave me

Why did he have to do this to me now?

When I needed him so much?


Since I was a little girl, I swore I would never fall in love with anyone, I saw it hurt way to many people. It hurt when my parents split up. It screws with your emotions and makes you do stupid stuff.

Last year, I couldn't help it. I fell deeply in love.

Do you know how most adults tell you, "You are too young to be in love?" or "It's lust." ? Well this was not lust, it was love. once in a lifetime.

I miss him so much. I am still sorting out what is left of my mind since he left me last week. He says he still loves me, but he needs time to think.

Time to think?

What kind of person who tells you for a year that they love you, put you through so much pain?

I have not spoken to him since last week, I don't know what his deal is.

It hurts so much.

It is like a empty, lonely, and trapped feeling. I cant bear it. I go through every day thinking that something good will happen.

I know it won't.

I know it's stupid to give up hope so early, but now that I have seen the horrid side of love, I can't see the good side.

It there someone who could tell me why?

Someone who could tell me it's going to be fine?

Someone to let me cry on their shoulder?

Hi. Welcome! First off, I'd take a look at the format of this, as it's a little sloppy, and didn't really encourage me to read this. I'd try;

"I thought he loved me
He swore he would never ever leave me
Why did he have to do this to me now?
When I needed him so much?
Since I was a little girl,
I swore I would never fall in love with anyone,
I saw it hurt way to many people.
It hurt when my parents split up.
It screws with your emotions
and makes you do stupid stuff.

Last year, I couldn't help it.
I fell deeply in love.

Do you know how most adults tell you,
"You are too young to be in love?" or
"It's lust." ?
Well this was not lust, it was love.
once in a lifetime.

I miss him so much.
I am still sorting out
what is left of my mind
since he left me last week.
He says he still loves me,
but he needs time to think.

Time to think?

What kind of person who tells you
for a year that they love you,
put you through so much pain?

I have not spoken to him
since last week,
I don't know what his deal is.

It hurts so much.

It is like a empty, lonely,
and trapped feeling.
I cant bear it.
I go through every day thinking
that something good will happen.

I know it won't.

I know it's stupid to give up
hope so early,
but now that I have seen the
horrid side of love,
I can't see the good side.

It there someone who
could tell me why?

Someone who could tell me
it's going to be fine?

Someone to let me
cry on their shoulder?"

Or something similar. Try reading it aloud so that you can get a better sense of how it should sound, and what should go on what line.

The emotion in this was very strong and well conveyed, but I'd try using more imagery, and cut the cliches like "cry on their shoulder", "the good side", "once in a lifetime."

This has a rather journal-ish feel to it.I'd try using more imagery.Try to show your pain and your story rather than stating things directely, as it will have a greater impact. Maybe use this sort of style for stories, and something more visual for poetry.

Anyway, I hope this helps, and that you enjoy it here.

Okay, so Jasmine has made some fabulous points and I completely agree. Also, I would pay attention to her suggested structure, it works nicely.

You've not got much in the way of description or imagery. To create an effective poem you need poetic techniques - metaphor, similie, etc. Add some imagery to this, did he whisper sweet words in her ear? Why did she love him so much, why did he leave, did her heart crack into little pieces as she watched his body shy away from hers? These little things allow the reader into the persona's perspective, let's them feel the event, and the emotions.

That said, as it is it's pretty much a little rant about how sad she is he left her. Which is fine if it weren't so over-done. I love your use of the parents, it's a great analogy, but the entire thing is fairly standard. Perhaps trying a little imagery and some creative structure? Let the narrative play on it's own, you don't have to guide your reader through the experience, show them instead.

Luck. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.