Blood War

I felt like trying something new. I have posted a different story, but the main character is telling it. There’s a narrator in this one. I hope that you like this story and that I didn’t rush through it. The title will make more sense during the middle of the story by the way. Please review when your done reading!

Chapter 1, Part 1

Charlotte presses her head against the wall in her room. Darkness surrounded her, but the only thing she focused on was the conversation coming from the next room.

“She can’t stay here with us Alice,” said a voice angrily.

The person who is presumably Alice began to speak. “But she cannot simply stay with Naomi, she is too young.”

There was a pause. “We will discuss this tomorrow,”

“I won’t let you take her away from here, she will-”

“We will discuss this tomorrow.” said the other voice sternly.

Those last words were followed by silence, Charlotte lay back down in her bed. All sorts of thoughts raced through her head. Were they talking about her, or someone else? Why were they talking about Naomi? Charlotte stood up and walked over to her window.

She strained her eyes to see out into the gloom of the night. The forest was completely coved in darkness. The moon shining past a few clouds barely lit the courtyard. A dark figure moved to the middle of the court. A pair of bright blue eyes stared back at Charlotte.

The sound of the knob turning took her attention away from the eyes and made her run to her bed. She quickly slid under the covers and closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. A cold breeze filled the room making Charlotte shiver under her covers. The door closed with a soft click.

“I don’t like her, she is too scrawny.” whispered one voice.

“Yes, I agree, but Genevieve has ordered us to retrieve her.”

Charlotte felt the covers being yanked off of her. Two hands slid under her body and lifted her up. She turned her head to see who was taking her. A boy only a couple of years older than her looked down at the bewildered Charlotte. His eyes were bright blue, just like the ones she had saw out the window.

“Scream and I’ll kill you, got that?”

Charlotte nodded, taking a last look at her room before everything turned into a blur. Before she knew it she was in another room. The walls were decorated with large paintings. There was a leather couch that wrapped around half of the wall and a large wooden table in the middle of it all. A man sat on the leather couch, his face hidden behind a newspaper.

The man set the newspaper down. “Took you long enough,”

“At least I was doing something instead of sitting on my butt reading comics!” snapped back one of the boys.

The man chuckled and was standing in front of Charlotte and the two other boys in the blink of an eye. “Careful what you say little boy, I’m still stronger than you. Genevieve is waiting for all of you in the other room.”

The boy put Charlotte down, grabbed her hand and led her to a door. The door swung open showing a young woman scribbling something on a piece of paper.

“Please shut the door,” said the woman, eyes still focused on the papers in front of her.

One of the boys shut the door then stood beside the lady, eyes locked on Charlotte. The woman, presumably Genevieve, looked up from her papers with a benign smile. Her teeth a glimmering white. Genevieve pushed back her long, burnished black hair and stuck out her hand. Charlotte reached out, hand shaking nervously.

“It’s beginning,” said the Genevieve happily. “But your going to have to keep an eye on her, it looks her body is refusing the new blood and we don‘t want what happened to the last one to happen to this one.”

Genevieve took Charlotte’s hand and traced a circle around her palm. The place she touched on Charlotte’s hand began to glow blue. Her nails started to grow sharp and pointed. Genevieve pulled on Charlotte’s chin showing pure white teeth. In the back of her mouth a tooth was turning red. Charlotte pulled away from Genevieve, falling down on one of the chairs behind her.

“She’s getting hungry,” said Genevieve still smiling. “This one will be interesting…”

“She can’t stay here with us Alice,” said a voice angrily.

The person who is presumably Alice began to speak. “But she cannot simply stay with Naomi, she is too young.”

There was a pause. “We will discuss this tomorrow,”

“I won’t let you take her away from here, she will-”

“We will discuss this tomorrow.” said the other voice sternly.

You can do better with this dialogue. Don't use the he said/she said too much, unless you're making it a paragraph.

Those last words were followed by silence, Charlotte lay back down in her bed. All sorts of thoughts raced through her head. Were they talking about her, or someone else? Why were they talking about Naomi? Charlotte stood up and walked over to her window

Here she lays down and gets up right after. Add some thought bubbles here. Maybe Charlotte gets a bad feeling, etc.

She strained her eyes to see out into the gloom of the night. The forest was completely coved in darkness. The moon shining past a few clouds barely lit the courtyard. A dark figure moved to the middle of the court. A pair of bright blue eyes stared back at Charlotte.

Why is she doing this? Who were the people at the beginning?

The sound of the knob turning took her attention away from the eyes and made her run to her bed. She quickly slid under the covers and closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. A cold breeze filled the room making Charlotte shiver under her covers. The door closed with a soft click.

You need more of a transition between this and the previous paragraph.

Charlotte felt the covers being yanked off of her. Two hands slid under her body and lifted her up. She turned her head to see who was taking her. A boy only a couple of years older than her looked down at the bewildered Charlotte. His eyes were bright blue, just like the ones she had saw out the window

This is a tad confusing, considering that we can't tell if there are two people with blue eyes, or just one.

Charlotte nodded, taking a last look at her room before everything turned into a blur. Before she knew it she was in another room. The walls were decorated with large paintings. There was a leather couch that wrapped around half of the wall and a large wooden table in the middle of it all. A man sat on the leather couch, his face hidden behind a newspaper.

What was the point of using the door if they can teleport? Also, you need a bit more struggle here. I mean, Charlotte is basically doing nothing throughout this.

Genevieve took Charlotte’s hand and traced a circle around her palm. The place she touched on Charlotte’s hand began to glow blue. Her nails started to grow sharp and pointed. Genevieve pulled on Charlotte’s chin showing pure white teeth. In the back of her mouth a tooth was turning red. Charlotte pulled away from Genevieve, falling down on one of the chairs behind her.

This is a bit confusing. I can't tell if you're talking about Genevieve or Charlotte in the last sentences.

Overall, I think you can do better with this. Really embellish Charlotte. We know nothing about her except for her connection to Naomi, and that Genevieve wants her for some reason. Yes, it is rather rushed, only because there are so many characters introduced so quickly. I suggest you build up to this event, give us a normal setting so we can get to know Charlotte.
Also, I didn't see why this was called 'blood war.' There is no struggle. Charlotte doesn't do anything when the creatures come. We don't have enough insight on her character to know what's going on. At the end I gather that they are vampyrs, but that still isn't enough. Is there some sort of sign or prophecy we should know about? Why did the vampyrs want her?

PM me if you need anything, and please keep writing!:D:D

This is my first critique on here, so I can't promise that I'll be much help since i don't really know what I'm doing, but I'll try my best. This is a fascinating beginning to a story, and I think that it is good, but not great. I would really like to see more of Charlotte's character. Right now she seems like a limp ragdoll being rushed through a sequence of events, she does not come alive as a character should. You should decide what kind of a person she is. Is she brave, is she scared, what does she value? What emotions is she experiencing while all this is happening?
Although it is important to keep up the pace of the story, I think this goes on a little TOO fast. I was a bit confused as to what was going on the first time i read it. I think you should slow down and try to describe what's happening more, describe the characters and the scenes. This will create some suspense and make it more interesting.

[quote]A dark figure moved to the middle of the court. A pair of bright blue eyes stared back at Charlotte.[quote]

This would be a great place to slow down and add some suspense. You could describe what Charlotte is feeling as she sees the blue eyes, you can describe the eyes in a way that is horrifying. Also I did not like how abruptly the boy takes her away. Overall this story has potential, just keep working on it.

*skips past grammar and spelling errors* not what I'm concerned about ^.~

Anyways, it's a good story. I was pleasantly surprised by how well you write for your young age. ^.^

I liked it, but I found it to be a bit short. That's not exactly a bad thing, but I'm obsessed about people getting into big detail about the surroundings in their stories. You've done a decent job, but I'm a little dissapointed that Charlotte was taken so easily. She was told not to scream, but you think the survival instinct would kick in and she would try to struggle away, if not even just a little bit.

I also think that you should do something more inbetween when charlotte is in her room, and then not. I'm not quite sure what you should do, exactly, but you should something more.

Then, I got a little confused of when blood was transported into her. When did that happen? Or was I just not paying close enough attention? Sorry if that's the case XD

Other than that, it's a good story, and I think you should describe this Genevieve a bit more. Specially if she's touching the girl's face. YOu should describe more of what Charlotte is feeling. It just adds a bit so the reader can really get into your story. Visuals are lovely, amazing things ^.^

--meow

Let me see, you story was well written and described well. But I didn't get the idea of what your character looks like. That, you haven't decribed.

Okay, nit-picks,

Charlotte presses her head against the wall in her room. Darkness surrounded her, but the only thing she focused on was the conversation coming from the next room.

A good beggining. And a good description.

“We will discuss this tomorrow.” said the other voice sternly.

Get the word 'will' italicised. And change the 'said' to 'repeated'.

Those last words were followed by silence, Charlotte lay back down in her bed.

These should be two sentences.

A dark figure [s]moved[/s] to the middle of the court.

'was moving'

The sound of the knob turning took her attention away from the eyes and made her run to her bed. She quickly slid under the covers and closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. A cold breeze filled the room making Charlotte shiver under her covers. The door closed with a soft click.

Firstly, they can teleport. They needn't have used the door to get in. Secondly, who was in the court and who was in the room? Thirdly, what happened to the people who in the very next room?

Charlotte nodded, taking a last look at her room before everything turned into a blur.

I can't see any struggle to get away from these kidnappers. I mean she's willingly letting them take her. And even if the boy told her that he will kill her, they won't.

“It’s beginning,” said the Genevieve happily. “But your going to have to keep an eye on her, it looks her body is refusing the new blood and we don‘t want what happened to the last one to happen to this one.”

To whom is she telling this to?

Her nails started to grow sharp and pointed. Genevieve pulled on Charlotte’s chin showing pure white teeth. In the back of her mouth a tooth was turning red.

It can't be made out that to whom this is happening to.

Okay, overall,

It wasn't badly written, but it got me confused alright. You introduced characters too fast without letting us breath and think what they are doing, look like and so on. It was rushed too fast. And your ideas changed from the begging to the end. But it in way looks okay.

So, I might I well say you should the fix this story.

Good luck.

Firstly how does Charlotte feel throughout this piece? Isn't she scared when the...people carry her away from where she is staying? 'The person who is presumably Alice...' 'The woman, presumably Genevieve, looked up from her papers with a benign smile.' You use Presumably twice in a short space, I think you should find a word to replace it. How does the other characters look like, for example the boy who carries Charlotte, and the man with the news paper. But you really write well. Good luck with the rest.

This seems to be a story about vampires but I don't quite get a couple of points.
If the vampires can teleport why do they need to get into her room and why don't they just teleport out again? You also say she's been infected. When? And why her? Isn't the main character scared by these people? If she is, then why wouldn't she struggle?
It needs a bit of clarification, but other than that this piece is good.

I like the beginning it demanded my attention, right now I am in a vampire phase (because of Twilight) so i look for vampire novels wherever I can. You have a great beginning in my opinion and it is described in detail. I agree that it I was disapointed when the MC didn't put up a good fight, but thats okay. I didn't see any grammatical errors that leapt out and screamed at me so good job there.

I hope you continue with it because well it was interesting. Please, please,please, let me know when you post more of your stories up, I would really like to read them so feel free to PM me. Good luck with your writing!