A Small Kid Dream

A Small Kid Dream

It overlooks a beautiful day we glint in our eyes
We can feel the affection, warmth, flavor and we can smell the sea
We see ourselves in the sky, flying with the birds flying free
There are no Restrictions in the eras of flying freely in the large space
We See Earth like a jewel colored by arc Rainbow colors
We see the moon shade as Goalkeeper of the Earth
We walking on the ground freely and safely
We are not afraid of days but we strongly and resolutely defeat odds
In our life we learned love and peace; we learned honesty, and talking free
Our innocent in our eyes and in our minds, we ask but are we asked too much
We are small but our mind is big we want peace, love and dynamism
We want to live like the rest of the people freely and harmony
Every day we lost a small innocent breath, what is our future, destiny?
As is time for us all to live in peace and harmony
Each story has a happy ending
So let us to have a happy ending to our story.
And together we can turn the page and start a new white page and Write in it our fate and our future

By: Abdullah Ali Al Habahbah

A.b :D

A.b.,


You meshed a whole bunch of boring ideas into even more boring prose. Just this evening I have seen the freedom/flight comparison at least three times.

As for peace and harmony, etc., these are merely ideas you repeat without actually displaying them in any useful capacity. These words and ideas are, of course, worthless when they have been used hundreds of thousands of times and your piece doesn't offer at least one compelling image or metaphor to support them.

Had you taken the time to even glance through some of the forum before posting, you would have seen this exact poem in varying doppelgängers has been spotted and condemned many times before.


Best,
Brad

A.b wrote:A Small Kid Dream

It overlooks a beautiful day we glint in our eyes
We can feel the affection, warmth, flavor and we can smell the sea
We see ourselves in the sky, flying with the birds flying free
There are no Restrictions in the eras of flying freely in the large space
We See Earth like a jewel colored by arc Rainbow colors
We see the moon shade as Goalkeeper of the Earth
We walking on the ground freely and safely
We are not afraid of days but we strongly and resolutely defeat odds
In our life we learned love and peace; we learned honesty, and talking free
Our innocent in our eyes and in our minds, we ask but are we asked too much
We are small but our mind is big we want peace, love and dynamism
We want to live like the rest of the people freely and harmony
Every day we lost a small innocent breath, what is our future, destiny?
As is time for us all to live in peace and harmony
Each story has a happy ending
So let us to have a happy ending to our story.
And together we can turn the page and start a new white page and Write in it our fate and our future

By: Abdullah Ali Al Habahbah

A.b:D

Ok, everything I put into bold is something that has been repeated, but not in a good way. Repition can be a really good way to get your poing across, however the way you have used it really hurts the poem.

I can see you attempted to use artistic description, but as a reader I can't see what you are trying to get across. First you describe what you are seeing then all of the sudden you jump in and start talking about peace and harmony. There is no smooth transition, so it comes out really jumbled.

I can't see any sense of rhythm, so honestly when I read it all I see is a jumbled mess of words.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I am an honest critic. I hope this helps for future poetry writing.