Evening Waters

deleted

I loved this! Only two things, both dealing with semi-colons:

Ayra wrote:The sun sinks ever lower; a smoldering red eye, stark and vivid in comparison to the spiky black islands against amber waves and the rapidly darkening hills.

Ayra wrote:In the cover of the trees, nocturnal flowers open slowly; patches of soft ivory petals against the earthy darkness.

Both need commas instead of semi-colons. If you do that, the first one doesn't need the comma after 'eye.'

Other than that, it was great! I love how you conveyed the mood. It soothed me just reading it! :thumb:

Thank-you! I'll fix that right away!

*Sigh* And here I was thinking I stood a chance!

It was really lovely and serene.

Brilliantly hued plants

I had a proble with this section. I think you should re-word it, because it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest.

But seriously, this is really good.

Thanks chocoholic!

I love YWS - two crits already and this has been up for what, half an hour?

This was beautiful. But did you consider adding in some more mundane descriptions. Describe the way how the sand grains that the wind blows down sparkle like tiny diamonds and such. It is beautiful the way it is, but you are pointing out a lot of the obvious and sometimes the most beautiful things are the really small and insignificant. You already touch on that with the flowers, but again, they are an obvious choice for beauty.

It's your story, you can do what you think is best. It is beautiful the way it is already, so no need to do much to it if you don't want to, but that is my suggestion.

Fabulous job either way. *applause*

~GryphonFledgling

Wow. I'm in awe. I've always really respected people who could describe things like this. I get a headache if I spend too long describing things because I know that, as a reader, it's really hard to pay attention. But seriously, this was great, and I definitely would've paid attention to this. And it was funny, because I looked at your age and my mouth dropped open. If only I could've written like that when I was twelve... Well, good luck with the contest!

This is really good, Camille!

I love the mood you set and all. I really think this is my favorite description I've seen from you! And your paragraphs are much better now.

I will now proceed to rip it to shreds.
While I was reading it I felt like there was something missing, but I just couldn't put my finger on it--then I read GryphonFledgling's review and something snapped... you go into detail, showing the beauty in things that we already KNOW are beautiful, like seashells, and sunsets and flowers. Try writing beauty into things that we wouldn't necessarily think of as beautiful--like sand, as GryphonFledgling said.

Also, I'm not sure I'm such a fan of the repetition of "All is peaceful, serene." Maybe if you put the first one as the very first line, it would work better?

Other than those things, there were a few sentences that bothered me:

Ayra wrote:The sun sinks ever lower, a smoldering red eye, stark and vivid in comparison to the spiky black islands against amber waters and the rapidly darkening hills.

This is a bit of a run-on... and I also think the "in comparison" messes up the flow a bit. Hmm... how about something like: "The sun sinks ever lower behind the rapidly darkening hills, a smoldering red eye, stark and vivid against the spiky black islands and amber waters." Play with it.

Ayra wrote:Wind sighs through the trees and the flute-like notes of a wind chime sound from a nearby garden.

I think that last part should be "...and the flute-like notes of wind chimes sound in a nearby garden."

Ayra wrote:Brilliantly hued plants hang from the woodlands out onto the beach, sprinkled with starlight, although their colour is dulled in the nighttime.

Meh. The flow is off here. Maybe make it... "Sprinkled with starlight, brilliantly hued plants hang from the woodlands out onto the beach, their colour dulled by the night."

Other than that, beautiful piece you've got here... and good luck with the contest! I might enter...

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

...cool i think, thanks for inviting me to this. i like the way it revolves around the setting sun. though i think that you should include something about tiny sqeaks from bats or moths casting fleating shadows.

Thank-you so much, everyone!
After the nit-picky things have been corrected, I'm going to take your advice and describe more mundane things as beautiful. Come to think of it, that's an excellent idea! *does a happy dance*

Hey-- shameless advertising is the best! Here's my critique...

Although this is beautiful, it's a bit adjective-heavy. Make your nouns and verbs work for you; if you're going to use adjectives, make them unique. The fewer modifiers you use, the more effective they'll be.

Ayra wrote:Tiny, gentle waves lap at the shore, revealing a myriad of beautiful seashells in their wake.

"Tiny, gentle waves lap" could be shortened by eliminating the adjectives. "Tiny waves" are called "ripples." Unless otherwise indicated, "lap" implies gentle. By beefing up your nouns and verbs, the sentence is tightened and strengthened.
Also, don't tell me the seashells are beautiful. No offense, but I just won't take your word for it. Why are they beautiful?

All is peaceful, serene.

Again, I can figure this out on my own. It's okay to keep it because you're using the repetition, but consider deleting it.

In the cover of the trees, nocturnal flowers open slowly, patches of soft ivory petals against the earthy darkness. A dove flits between the trunks, singing a melodic, haunting tune.

Have you ever seen a flower open quickly?
The double adjectives "melodic" and "haunting" are distracting. If you absolutely must keep both, try switching them around for better rhythm.

Seaweed clings to the rocks in slimy, dark green tendrils.

"Slimy" ruins the image. Try deleting it or finding a less "gross" word.

Sand dunes glow pale blue-white in the light from a full moon. Sprinkled with starlight, brilliantly hued plants hang from the woodlands out onto the beach, their colour dulled by the night.

How about, "...in the light of a full moon"?
"Brilliantly-hued" should be hyphenated.

Everything is washed in a soft sepia-silver by the moon, and the charcoaled waters are dusted with the reflection of a million stars.

You might try switching around the sentence for a stronger structure: The moon washes everything in soft sepia-silver..."
Nice alliteration, by the way.

Again, you've created some great images; I could imagine all of this. You might consider adding a sense of smell, as this often improves description. Good luck!

~Shafter

tis is the bigest piece of **** ive ever seen b4 in my life!