Musings of Leaving Home

It’s okay to walk through the car park
in impending dark.

Lampposts and fog make sky look pink
Like toilet paper - soft, I think.

Ignore everyone, walk brisk to the car
One place to be alone, mind ajar.

Too much going on, one place to lie
And feel the touch of pink toilet paper sky.

I liked this, but I'm a little confused about the line that said:

...make sky look pink

At first, I thought you forgot the "the" between "make" and "sky", but then you did a similar thing in this line:

And feel the touch of pink toilet paper sky.

So, I think you did it on purpose. I just don't understand why. lol This was really good, though! I loved it.

~*Sydney*~

This poem suffers because of its rhyme scheme...it's a great thing to practice, but you don't want your poem to revolve around its structure. As Sydney pointed out, it seems that the awkward left-out "the" was intentional. If that happened to make the rhythm work, you know something's wrong.

You should try working out what you want to say first, and then try creating couplets or whatever you like.

And remember, read it aloud! You'll know when you have problems with forcing stuff when you have to twist up the words to make it sound right.

Good luck!
-Colleen

I disagree a bit with Cade with her comment about the poem revolving around the rhyme scheme. Think about haiku and sonnets. They are hugely dependent on their schemes.

I didn't think that the poem suffered at all. Granted, I am not much of a poetry critic (I dabble at most) but I thought that the whole point of poetry was so you could use a few words however you wanted to tell a story. I thought that it was a free style of expression, with even less rules than other forms of writing. I guess that I was wrong.

But the missing 'the' didn't bother me at all. I think it added to the poem.

I dunno... There's my two cents. I really liked this poem. I never thought of the sky as toilet paper, but it makes sense in the poem.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Lovely, Matt, as usual. I think that some of your rhythm is a bit off though. I think I'd add a couple of syllabyls to the second line. Maybe try something like;
"Stifled by (surrounded by) impending dark."

Actually, while I'm on it, maybe "darkness" would work better, but then you'd have one syllabyl too many...hmmm...I'll leave it with you as I'm drawing a blank. Maybe try reading it aloud so that you can get a sense of how it should sound.

I love the next couplet.

I think I'd alter the following one slightly to:

"Ignore all, walk briskly to the car/ Ignore everyone, walk to the car,
To be alone, my mind ajar." Or something like that.
While I'm on it, I love "mind ajar."

I think I'd change "going on" to "happening." I love the ending and the reoccuring image. It's really great.

I like this. You don't rape the rhyme, though it is simple.



It’s okay to walk through the car park
in impending dark.

Lampposts and fog make sky look pink
Like toilet paper - soft, I think.


How averse are you to using indents? I'm not much for the couplets, as it makes the rhyme too apparent. I'll give you an example of what I think would be nice. But the hyphen should be an em dash.

Ignore everyone, walk brisk to the car
One place to be alone, mind ajar.

I dislike that last line.

Too much going on, one place to lie
And feel the touch of pink toilet paper sky.



My proposal.

[pre]
It’s okay to walk through the car park
in impending dark.
Lampposts and fog make sky look pink
like toilet paper--soft, I think.
Ignore everyone, walk brisk to the car
One place to be alone, mind ajar.
Too much going on, one place to lie
and feel the touch of pink toilet paper sky.[/pre]

This was, um...Interesting, Matt. I really like your poems, you rhyme really well and they're funny. You rhythm was good, I thought. So no edits!

At once, the toilet paper sky is humourous and killing to the feeling of the poem. Seems to contradict the "musing" in the title. I like the rhyme in the first and last stanza, but the ones in between seem to rhyme for the sake of rhyming. Like the toilet paper, it takes away from seriously reading this poem. Which is too bad, because that's how I want to read it!

I actually liked this--a lot. First off, the title really fits the poem, and it's a very good title to just attract my attention. So extra points on that...

Also, the toilet paper part--beautiful. It's very light and yet quirky, and by saying that the sky is as soft as toilet paper, you make us feel the clouds with our fingertips. It's excellent, really--an image, a sense, and a mood-setter at the same time.

Your rhythm was a tad inconsistent, but it fit the poem--it made it almost childish, but moving and intelligible at the same time.

Kudos.

PM me if you need any help.

This poem was an enjoyable read, but as other reviewers have said, it does need to keep within the rhyme scheme. The omission of the article in the last line did throw me a bit. However, I liked your "pink sky" image - quite unusual.

I don't think there's much else you could do except to retool some of the wording. Otherwise, an intriguing poem!