Prisoners

[pre]Caged rainbows,
moving tirelessly around their reflective prisons.
Oddly clean - for prisoners.

Most sink, sucked into the dark abyss,
the lucky ones survive a little longer.
The slight breeze that blows across their faces

replenishes their hope to be free.
To fly - or at the very least, float - unclustered.
Individually.

Each the same shape,
Not one succeeding.
Each a bubble.[/pre]

I like the similes you used in this poem. However, I think you could extend these a little. For example, in the first line you compare prisoners to rainbows, and then you say they are moving - how are they moving? Are they moving like rainbows? How might a rainbow move? I like how you then switch in the second stanza to a much darker image, but I'm not sure about the breeze - if the prisoners are trapped, where is the breeze coming from? You then talk again about moving around, creating continuity, this is good. I also like how the third stanza follows on from the second. Another part of the poem you might want to run with is where you say "Individually. Each the same shape..." When people are held, for example in a jail or prison, they are stripped of their identity - they wear the same clothes, are given an identity number, and that's what they can become - just a number. You might want to make the prisoners seem more like they have lost their identity, and want to get it back. Just some ideas there for you Good job, I look forward to reading more of your work.

I loved this. The only comment I have is that if you are comparing rainbows to prisoners, it would have a better effect if the poem was more-so about prisoners, and then mention something about the rainbows

My computer's acting really funky, so sorry if you end up seeing this twice. lol

I loved this. The only comment I have is that if you are comparing rainbows to prisoners, it would have a better effect if the poem was more-so about prisoners, and then mention something about the rainbows at the end so that it gives off the impact that you had been comparing rainbows and prisoners the whole time.

I can't explain it too well. lol If you're still confused, feel free to PM me. ^_^

Best wishes!

~*Sydney*~

I'm comparing all of the above to bubbles.
Just thought it might clear a couple things up.

Caged rainbows,
moving tirelessly around their reflective prisons.
Oddly clean - for prisoners.

"Oddly" sounds....odd here. Haha. Maybe something like "unnaturally" would sounds better? Also the hyphen doesn't need to be there, it just causes a pause in the reading that messes things up.

Most sink[s],[/s]; sucked into the dark abyss[s],[/s].
the lucky ones survive a little longer.
The slight breeze that blows across their faces

This break between these two stanzas is unnecessary. Try not to sacrifice flow for form. I'd much rather see a six line stanza then two that sound weird seperated.

replenishes their hope to be free.
To fly - or at the very least, float - unclustered.
Individually.

Where you are using a dash you really need to be using a hyphen. Don't put a space between the word and the dash and use a double dash instead.

The last line in this stanza is awkward as well, it needs more words if you're going to keep the form.

Each the same shape,
Not one succeeding.
Each a bubble.[/pre]

The last line here isn't definitive enough to end a poem with. I miss the point without a final "womp" on the end...know what I mean?

Hehe. Happy editing!

I liked it, but I was kind of confused about it the same time.

Other than that, even though I didn't get it, I really liked how it sounded when I read it.

It was also kind of short.

Well, keep writing!
(everyone says that) XD

Clockworks,


I see what you're doing, and ask: Why?

As a descriptive piece, there isn't anything particularly wrong with it (also not anything particularly good about it). As anything more substantial--so what?


Best,
Brad

Incandescence,


I see your question and answer: because I felt like it.

Sure, it's not my best work. It came from an activity and I developed the idea purely out of the urge to write something down. So, that's why.

Hey, just to let you know I'm not a great poet just yet but I'm trying to get there, so my criticism might be wayy off.
But I actually really liked this. The title intrigued me, and so you're already winning half the battle with getting me interested. As for holding this interest, you're imagery is simply amazing,although the structure could do with a bit of tweaking and maybe some points raised could be developed to make it magnificent.
Best wishes and keep writing,
Eimear

Verse 1:

I see as an effective microcosm for the apparent beauty of the human race which is enslaved by an invasive media and materialistic society. Those attempting to escape are bounced between unwelcome addictions to the both of them. "clean" could refer to the meticulous order of life as dictated by said media, as well as advances into medicine that leave one distanced from nature, or the earth.

Verse 2:

A continuation of previous idea describing the suffocating effect of our way of life. Those that feel the "breeze" have sensed freedom of thought and action.

Verse 3:

Investigating the effects of freedom, especially its invigorating qualities. "Fly" could be a reference to freedom. The mention of individuality could be seen as a comment on the theory that humanity has become a super-organism, where the individual has little or no significance,

Verse 4:

Simplified language, less obvious meaning. "same shape" shows how humans are alike in their desires and general manners. How the basic life structure has changed little over time. "Not one succeeding" to break from the oppression of enforced obedience/manipulation. "Each a bubble" people cannot help each other in their common aim as communication, the key to evolution, has decayed too much.


I just treated your poem as I would an exam piece, so that I could see how differently I might experience it. I enjoyed it. It is varied in its ideas and yet concise. To improve, I suggest deliberating over individual words. Your poem is short, so every word must be precisely what you want, and have the exact effect you are looking for.