butterflies with white red wings

Prologue: Before World War III…

My head was swimming. I kept telling myself I definitely, definitely was not dreaming. But my head kept swimming. I looked at my sister and my mother getting out of the car and suddenly everything seemed so apocalyptic the buildings around me were greyand orange and brown and it didn’t seem right. [something] didn’t seem right. I don’t remember what happened here.

The Beginning

This is about a recluse who lived in a ONE-ROOM APARTMENT COMPLEX and didn’t have much to do all DAY so he LAY in his BED and DREAMT all
DAY

Except now he’s out getting a fish sandwich. The time is 6:08 PM. The streets are slick with oil from the last oil rain. There’s no people, just a bunch of umbrellas moving in procession. The umbrellas are identical in make and identical in color.

This recluse, he’s you, he’s standing in line. You’re standing in line. The woman in front of you is taking forever to make up her mind. You think bad thoughts about her. You think maybe this woman should have made up her mind before she got to the counter. She looks about fifty and is wearing fifty or more pounds of makeup on her face. Her purse jingles like there’s coins inside. She’s making a row now, and you look around you at the other people in line and you want to see if anybody else is angry, pissed off at this lady that doesn’t make up her mind. But all the faces you look at look just the same – blank and indifferent. You think about your own face in your head (seeing it when you woke up this morning) and you realize all the faces you saw look just like you. You’re surrounded by copies of yourself. It’s enough to make anyone go… mad… but… you’re here to get a fish sandwich… No need to get worked up. Your mind is playing tricks on you.

Pre-night. Blue police sirens and atmospheric fog swells over sea of citizens. Horizontal columns of green light flow out from the restaurant.

This recluse, he’s being taken out in handcuffs. He just beat an old lady to death in a fast food joint. There’s blood leaking out the front door, blood that looks like black ink in green light. He really made a mess of things.

You take your phone out and pretend like you’re texting somebody. You really can’t wait. You know, to get your food, take the bus back to your place, flop down on the couch, finish that joint, eat some fucking food. Yeah, that’s something to look forward to. Finally the lady finishes ordering and you order your fish sandwich and stand and wait for a bit then get your greasy brown bag trailing ketchup packets as you leave the place.

The End

Fall asleep to declarations of war on the television screen. He gets up in the middle of the night to get something to drink. But there’s nothing in the fridge. So he checks the microwave. There’s nothing in the microwave. So he checks his garage. There’s nothing in the garage. So he checks the closet. There’s a glass jar filled with blood in the closet. He doesn’t know how that got there but he isn’t all that disturbed, either. He doesn’t drink the jar. He goes back to sleep. Then you realize the television isn’t on. You never turned the television off. Or you don’t remember that you did. Who turned it off?

Epilogue: Before World War III…

We fell asleep in the field. The sun shined on me. It was morning.

I walked her to her house. I held her hand. She didn’t kiss me.

Later, I walked to the field and disappeared.

Hello, lin! ^^ You probably don't know me. Call me what you wish (as long as it's appropriate ). I notice you have no reviews yet...I call first dibs!

Before I begin: I'm gonna rip it, tear it, and smile the whole time.

I kept telling myself I [s]definitely,[/s] definitely was not dreaming.

I looked at my sister and my mother getting out of the car and suddenly everything seemed so apocalyptic the buildings around me were greyand orange and brown and it didn’t seem right. [something] didn’t seem right. I don’t remember what happened here.

Format and structure are awkward here. We shall...rewrite! *grabs red pen* I watched my sister and mother get out of the car when I noticed everything seemed apocalyptic. The buildings around me were gray, orange, and brown...something wasn't right. I didn't remember anything happening here, though. Something like that.

This is about a recluse who lived in a ONE-ROOM APARTMENT COMPLEX and didn’t have much to do all DAY so he LAY in his BED and DREAMT all
DAY

I think you were trying to tell us something, but I was distracted by the caps, hehe. Rephrase this so that a simple sentence can match your tone. In fact, this is straight telling and not recommended. Either adjust this so you show the recluse laying in his bed of the one-room apartment, or just delete it and slur in the information later on.

This recluse, he’s you, he’s standing in line.

Ahh, I get it now. This is...second person? I don't remember. I don't think you're supposed to straight-out tell the reader that it's about them. I think you can just start out the story with 'you,' if you know what I mean.

She looks about fifty and is wearing fifty years old or more pounds of makeup on her face.

Her purse jingles [s]like there’s[/s] of [or another word] coins [s]inside[/s] at the bottom.

She’s making a row now, and you look around you at the other people in line and you want to see if anybody else is angry, pissed off at this lady that doesn’t make up her mind.

She's making a row now, and you look around at the other people in line, wondering if they were just as angry as you were, pissed off that the lady wouldn't make up her mind.

But all the faces you look at [s]look[/s] were just the same – blank and indifferent.

Blue police sirens and atmospheric fog swells over the sea of citizens.

This recluse, he’s being taken out in handcuffs. He just beat an old lady to death in a fast food joint. There’s blood leaking out the front door, blood that looks like black ink in green light. He really made a mess of things.

Wait, you lost me. I thought I was the recluse. Best clear this up, otherwise you're switching PoVs.

Finally the lady finishes ordering and you order your fish sandwich and stand and wait for a bit then get your greasy brown bag trailing ketchup packets as you leave the place.

Run-on! ^^ Finally, the lady finishes ordering and you order your fish sandwich. You stand and wait for quite some time before you receive your greasy brown bag, trailing ketchup packets as you leave the place.

Fall asleep to declarations of war on the television screen.

Capitalize TV show title.

But there’s nothing in the fridge. So he checks the microwave.

There's nothing in the fridge, so he checks the microwave.

So he checks his garage.

Alright, I hate starting sentences with 'so'. Change the sentences that start with 'so' so I won't freak out about them.

He doesn’t know how that got there, but he isn’t all that disturbed, either.

Delete your comma and place mind.

Overall, I was completely lost. You kept switching PoVs and I couldn't follow. You jumped scenes, and I didn't understand what bad things really happened. Together, you and I shall clear up the mystery and clean up the mistakes (if you'd like ).

But, really, the PoV changes made grammar check difficult. Otherwise, you have an idea. The problem is putting it on paper, as usual.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!