The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 2) The Drop of a Pen

ahh, more chapters, more reviews
I'm trying to continue reading but I only get to quick read
(due to a time limit, and the fact that it's extremely late at night.)
I would like to here more of this
it made me stop and think about some of what was going on.
thank you for writing even more than last time!
I'd like to see if you could write twice as much in the next chapter!

GryphonFledgling wrote:I think your descriptions of the two men were just fine, since it sets them in contrast. I loved the way you talked about their timing and so on and so forth. It was absolutely fabulous. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I wish I had come up with it.

Anyway, that having been said, I had a lot of trouble with the tower. It was just complicated in that beginning paragraph. It completely threw me off. But then the rest of the chapter was good. Confusing, but I am sure you will explain all in time, no?

~GryphonFledgling

I should probably post the edited version up, because I've totally edited the tower paragraph. Hmm. Maybe I'll just add that paragraph edited sometime.

Thanks for reading! (And for the comment...a good comment )

Teh Wozzinator

I cannot believe your only thirteen. I'm hoping in the next chapters it will be less confusing though. I don't understand what this has to do with chocolate really yet.

Remarks and add-ins are in braces:


{On the date spoken of, t}he most important city in the United States of America was Conscilia, Texas. It was on the west side of the aforementioned city that a tall, one-room soundproof tower st{ood}. The tower was called Gray-side, for reasons known only to the man who built it. It had two raised tunnels on two sides, so that you couldn’t go from one side of the tower to the other side, without taking at least an hour-long drive. {A}t the heart of each tunnel was a door. {On this date}, each door opened, one right after the other, and two men entered.

The first man was young, and he wore a black suit. The second was older and had more casual clothes. They looked opposite in every way, the first with short dark hair and blue eyes, the latter with long gray hair and brown eyes.

However, different though they looked, they walked identically. Their arms hung at their sides, and they stood with their heads in the air, never losing eye contact. {They did not walk too casually because they were on guard against one another, but} they didn’t walk too stiffly, {so as to give away their guard}.

When they reached each other, they each held out their left {hand} and shook. They gripped for only a few seconds, because neither liked the feel of the other. They gave it the {shake perfect} amount of time, so that they didn’t have to grasp for long, but neither thought the other didn’t trust him. Everything was done {immaculately}.

After they let go, there was a moment of silence. It was—to use a much overused saying—so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop. Which is almost what happened.

Finally the older man spoke{,} “Do you have the money?”

The younger{, the one who bought the chocolate,} just nodded and pulled another stack of bills—this one much greater than the last—from his pocket. He held it but didn’t hand it over.

The older man nodded and pulled out a small box from his pocket. He cracked it open so that the younger could see the thing in it.

Finally, the younger gave one more nod, and they traded the money for the box. As soon as he had the box, the younger turned slightly to walk away. But the older stayed still and pulled a pen out of a pocket on his jeans. He dropped it.

The younger watched it fall{. J}ust before it hit the ground, both he and the older man jumped.

As the pen hit the ground, pulsing blue waves flew through the air, a centimeter above the ground. The older man had jumped so he would land on top of the pen, where he wouldn’t get hit. But the younger jumped higher{,} all the way up to the {tower's} top, hundreds of feet above him{. H}e started to fall. . . .

He watched the waves hit the walls of the tower. As they hit, {an explosion erupted}. A ring of fire surrounded the inside of the tower. {T}he tower was {unscorched}. {A}s the younger man fell, the flames subsided. He could see the older man, glaring at him angrily, but the younger made sure he landed as far away from the {elder} man as he could.

He landed on the ground, muttered “goodbye” to the other man, and stepped out his door. He locked it behind him and drove his vehicle away, back through the other side of the tunnel.

As he drove, the younger man felt his pocket. Earlier that day, it had been filled with money. Now it just had a small box. The contents were worth it{,} but he wished that he had never had to get hold of them. He wished this hadn’t happened. And he wished that the older man hadn’t tried to kill him, so he wouldn’t have had to buy the chocolate. But he had to admit{,} it did taste good.


This is the weirdest story I've ever heard of! I love it!

I was really taken off by this whole older and younger man issue, why do we need those words to relate to two characters? How about giving them other defining qualities rather then younger man this and older man that. I also didn't like how you described what they were wearing, if it doesn't really matter why is it included at all. If it was needed, it felt like an info dump.

Good work though, still interesting. I hope you edit your other chapters after we put all our work into trying to help.

Don't worry, I'm editing. But with all these editors and nine chapters it's hard. I've edited chapters one through...five? But I'll still add more edits as I get them.

Thanks for the edits!

Sometime soon I'm going to post the edited versions on all the chapters I have edited. Actually, I'll go do that right now. As soon as I get the chance I'll edit your stuff!



Teh Wozzinator

Hey! I'm baaaack! What's up?

Awesome. I loved it, although I really found it hard to believe that he jumped up a hundred feet... until I read that he the chocolate gave him superpowers, I thought that it was just all of a sudden.

So, I think that you could have at least told us that chocolate did that. Or you will in later chapters. I don't know...

As they hit, they exploded.

I'm not sure what you mean. As the WAVES hit, the WAVES exploded, or as the WAVES hit, the BUILDING exploded?

I'm not quite sure..

other than that, great job! I'm going to read chapter three and keep going!

Keep writing!

BBB

Yeah! Still lovin' all the chocolate! Woo! Go choco and go teh wozzinator!!! 0(o.o)0 (The monkey's still hottttt;)!!)