DO NOT RED

I DELETED THIS, DO NOT READ!

if anyone knows how to delete, please pm me.

holly*

I could go through all the grammatical errors here, and I will return if you really want me to. You seem to switch from third to first person which makes it a little difficult to read, as I don't know who you are! It's very cute, the rhyming is nice, if a little forced in places, and I quite like the ending. Good work, keep writing!

Okay, what is up with this poem? I didn't even finish this poem simply because you kept switching between first person and third person. Not to sound rude but that disgusted me so much that as I said up before, I didn't even want to finish it (which I didn't)\

Lower case "i's" are really tacky. They take away from the poem and make it seem very unprofessional. There are several other grammatical errors, but I don't want to be mean.

Agreeing completely with MadHatter, this could use a lot of work. I personally wasn't too fond of your rhyming, simply because it seemed a little unbalanaced. As for your rhythm/beat, I found it hard to follow because you have some lines longer than others. I read and re-read this a few times, and still couldn't figure it out. So, touch on that a bit.

Also, you need to work on your grammar and punctuation. I'm not too sure that "felted" is a word. And you should always always capitalize "I"!! Work on pulling out some more descriptive words too. Simple sentences don't exactly "wow" your readers, so my suggestion would be to broaden on your imagery so we can know how the main character is feeling. Actually know/feel what she is feeling, rather than reading what you say she's feeling... if that makes any sense.

Best wishes with your work.

~*Sydney*~

I am in half disagreement with the above. I didn't have a problem with the switching of perspective, as it was contextual, infact I can't grasp how anyone found this a problem, explain yourselves. I for one wouldn't even call it switching between first and third, as it is in constant first person, and the third person is only in reference to other characters. That is absolutely fine as this appears to be a narrative poem. The grammar was appalling. Felted is clearly not a word. I think the rhythmn isn't too important, once you clean up everything else there will be a smoother flow. I did like the style, which once smoothed up should have a decent rhythm. Im not judging the content. Also, I'd advice choosing your words. I am also for the other half, in agreeance of course. The poem is hard to read, hence it is understandable someone may not make it even half way through. It is quite flawed but I see it as being salvageable, if you want to go to medical school on it.

Alone_But_Surrounded wrote:I watched them from a far distance in shock,
They were flirting and holding hand so I started to walk,
" He said he loved me , he said he cared" I have read this line in countless poems and country songs, so already I am bored
But all that mattered was that he was dared
It was nothing , why be sad
But whats the worst is that he didn't even feel bad,
I couldn't take it , I started to walk towards the door you can cut this out, it will make the flow a lot better.
When someone stopped me and said , " he's not worth it no more"this is painful for me to read, and I mean painful. All you accomplised was to make me as a reader think your knight in shining armour looks like an idiot
I turn around just to see
My french partner Devon staring at me
He took my hand and walked me home
My head was spinning but my hand felted like foam
He told me I was beautiful , he said I was smart
And just then I knew he just fell into my heart using "just" this many times in two stanzas is never a good idea. you can cut two of them out and still have the same idea.
And just when I said good-bye he whispered under his mouth , I love you ,
In shock, I turned and said , I love you too

the idea was ok but all in all the poem was fairly cliche, then again it's hard to write a love poem that's not these days. I hope these things help!

Best Wishes

Over Easy

well...i really liked it ...... im not to uptight with teh first person, second person thing.... doesnt really matter to me...as long as i can understand the meaning im alright .....

Hey!! I really enjoyed this poem!! I agree with the grammar stuff. Anyways I think the others were a bit harsh. Madhatter, you could of finished the poem before you gave your two cents. And how dear you say that this poem was disgusting?!?!?! Without evening finishing it! God.

I fixed the first person , third person thing . so you might want to read it All first befor wirting anything.

Well, I happend t enjoy it.

The only thing I see is that hand should be hands. Although, I didn't really look hard for any errors. :D

Hello and welcome to YWS! Remember to up your review count before posting your own stuff.

Here are my notes on your poem... hopefully they'll help you?

I watched them from a far distance in shock, <--- This line is cumbersome because there too many useless syllables. Keep your poem nice and concise and don't forget that metering is key when you're dealing with poetry.

They were flirting and holding hand so I started to walk, <--- It's "hands." And I don't know... you're trying too hard to rhyme and it comes off as awkward.

" He said he loved me , he said he cared" <--- Who says this?

But all that mattered was that he was dared <--- What did he dare to do? You're being very vague and non-specific, and that's a problem here.

It was nothing , why be sad
But whats the worst is that he didn't even feel bad, <--- The ending here seems to be lame, as if the worst part is him not caring? Hello? What about the narrator? Shouldn't we care about her?

I couldn't take it , I started to walk towards the door
When someone stopped me and said , " he's not worth it no more" <--- Geep, a double negative here.

I turn around just to see <--- Get rid of "just."
My french partner Devon staring at me
He took my hand and walked me home <--- This seems really random and very creepy. Like... very creepy. And I don't understand. The narrator is all upset about betrayal, but then she goes out with another guy? That's a little quick.

My head was spinning but my hand felted like foam <--- "Foam" is one of the lamest rhymes I've ever seen. And I've seen some really bad ones. Pick something better.

He told me I was beautiful , he said I was smart
And then I knew he was falling into my heart <--- Or vice versa...
And when I said good-bye he whispered under his mouth , I love you ,
In shock, I turned and said , I love you too <--- This doesn't make for s strong conclusion. =/

Anyway, I like how you involved a story in the poem. The story reminded me a little "Better Off Dead," which is a pretty funny movie. But you really need to work on making your image stronger. That way, this poem will seem even better.

I understood where you were coming from in this poem and that was good idea just not very original!! Was this poem about you or another? No-one will understand. Yes the poem is understandable but lacks personality because the person speaking is not the character to begin with and then suddenly turns into the character.

A little confusing, good poem but im in agreeance third person or first?? pick 1!!

1 Correction I would make is:

I watched them from a far distance in shock

I watched from a far, in amazement of shock

second change would be:

They were flirting and holding hand so I started to walk,

I watched their flirting and their hand movements, so I started to walk..
(Less detail)

Something along these lines, maybe not exactly what I have put down there

However it is your poem, so it is your wording.


Dofs...

well where should i start well i can understand where your coming from but you should try not to switch from first and third person it can get confusing but your rhyming was just right though good job !!!